Jersey Shore Recap: Douche Canoe

December 7, 2018

When the main theme of a show that originally revolved around drinking, tanning and having meaningless sex with strangers now features eating ice cream on a boys night, drinking wine with cheese and playing on inflatable kids toys, then it may be time to retire the franchise. I could watch these Guidos doing anything but they are definitely on their last leg and their brawling ways may just have saved them. 

 

Due to Deena having a baby meatball, everyone decided to rent some inflatable toys and have a kids day full of water sports and alcohol. They ran down the slip and slide and Angelina even reentered her natural habitat of running around a hamster wheel like the Dirty Little Hamster she is. I've never seen her more joyful than when she was running amuck in her little wheel, can she keep it? The gang also got a Burger King-sponsored lunch which advertised the fast foodd joint perfectly with everyone eating with the logos facing the camera, so I'm sure the five-minute advertisement funded most of this season. 

 

Apart from Vinny cheating on his keto diet, he challenged Angelina to a game of pushing some ball back and forth to see who could win by being the last one to remain standing. Naturally, the roommates wanted the loser to be banished back to Staten Island, however, Vinny changed the odds by making the loser kiss the other person's feet and declare them the real king or queen of Staten Island. Vinny is a closet freak. Not only would he run the risk of having to put his mouth upon Angelina's stump but as a prize for winning, he wanted her to kiss his foot? What the fuck. Vinny definitely has a foot fetish and it's always the quiet ones who are the freakiest. If he got Angelina alone for a night she'd be battered and bruised - in the best way possible. 

 

After some back and forth (literally) of throwing the ball at each other, the Dirty Little Hamster fell, had to kiss Vinny on his foot and call him the king of Staten Island. Vinny definitely came just a little when Angelina touched his foot and I think after finally consuming carbs he was able to get rid of his pissy attitude and appreciate the Staten Island Dump in all her glory. Thank God Vinny finally ingested some sort of carbohydrate because he was acting crankier than a 95-year-old lady who hasn't had her arthritis medicine. 

 

Following their day of child's play, the girls went out for a classy wine night while the guys went to Jenkinson's for a raging boys night, however, they just ended up eating ice cream and watching a fan dance for them. What has happened to this show? A wine night and ice cream? Although, Snooki did pour the wine she paid for into an empty water bottle which is the most relatable thing I've ever witnessed on reality TV. Thankfully, their saving grace came in the form of a drunk asshole who wanted some camera time and the Guidos were more than willing to let him take the reigns and make something happen on this show. We never discovered his name but let's call him Douche Canoe. 

 

While wearing white linen pants, DC said "Every girl is fat" after the ladies walked past him which naturally made JWOWW's motherly instincts come out to protect Deena who is pregnant and therefore on the heavier side. Instead of apologising for the incident and moving along like a gentleman, DC started calling Jenni a bitch and trying to physically fight her. Obviously, this guy was drinking but I would bet my left nut that he's even an asshole sober. 

 

This guy was definitely looking for some camera time. He was drunk and wanted to provoke the ladies to cause some kind of fight. DC's face wasn't blurred so he would've had to sign a release to be featured on this show and judging by his smart-ass smile I think he definitely had a viewing party with all his asshole friends tonight to admire the fuckery he brought to tonight's episode. And surprise, surprise, DC wound up attending the same establishment as the entire cast the following night. Either there are only two places to eat food in Manaplan or the producers tipped him off on where to show up because they needed some kind of drama to develop and the thirsty Douche Canoe was more than happy to oblige. 

 

After Vinny spotted his cousin's cousin at the restaurant they were eating at, the plot thickened when JWOWW recognised him from the night before and realised he knew DC. Not only did Vinny's cousin's cousin know him but Angelina had a long-standing vendetta with the guys' girlfriend. These Staten Island connections run deep and I'm not surprised at all. After shaking Mike's hand, denying calling Deena fat, fighting with the girls and starting beef with Pauly, the security guards pulled the feuding men apart which is a letdown. Can't they give us a fight? I understand there's legal shit on MTV's end but we wanted a mother fucking brawl, not this security mess we got. 

 

This guy was like a bad smell and finally set his sights on Ronnie picking on his chain, height, tan, hair and anything else he could find. Douche Canoe wanted some kind of reality TV relevance and after fighting with half the cast and acting like a drunken asshole he finally got it. The Tasmanian Devil got the girls to hold his chain and decided to give DC a good old fashioned street fight, which is what we've been missing on this show. It doesn't feel the same if they don't come home in blood and disappointment. However, instead of seeing Ron and DC fight, the stripper who Angelina has a long-standing beef with came out and started provoking her which, of course, led to a Staten Island screaming match and after some pulling of each other's weaves, the Dirty Little Hamster's opponent offered this elegant monologue:

 

"What a fucking hater, yo. Nah I ain't done now, you might as well lock me the fuck up. I’m on probation. I'll kill that bitch. I ain't fronting this."

 

Wow, Angelina sounds like the Queen of England compared to this stripping piece of shit. Due to Angelina's ability to do anything for reality TV purposes, which I appreciate, she not only pulled the girl's hair but threw her shoe, a table and even a chair at the stripper she was fighting. Throwing your shoe is such a tristate area fighting move and I'm proud of it. You don't see it a lot but when you do it's amazing. Finally, JWOWW came out to quench the bitch's thirst by throwing water on her, which is the best way to shut a dirty bitch up. 

 

Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!

 

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