This is literally the biggest show on Bravo right now. The ratings are higher than most of the Housewives, everybody is crazy about it on social media and there's no wonder why because it's fucking incredible. This season hasn't stopped from the misogynistic asswipe's reign of terror to Caroline's Scary Island-esque breakdown, the deck crew all having a turn of being inside Rhylee's mouth and now someone literally falling off the boat and potentially dying. Obviously, we know Ashton lived to tell the tale because he's on WWHL tonight but seeing something almost dying on reality TV is always entertaining.
Due to Caroline and Chandler leaving the crew high and dry we were finally introduced to their replacements who are less than desirable casting choices in my opinion. The new third stew is a Canadian yogi named Laura (I think) with a vocal fry, jet black hair and a tendency to never shut her fucking mouth. I don't mind her presence on this show because every season we need at least one ditzy, talkative girl who can't shut the fuck up to annoy Kate but Laura also seems like a two-faced bitch who would kick you in the balls and steal your wallet in a second. Kate has an affinity to hate any female she works with, I'm sure there's some she has liked but she doesn't enjoy hearing the sound of stupid girls talking too much which is normally the people she's stuck in a confined space with for six weeks with cameras everywhere. It's like Big Brother on a boat.
I don't know if Kate doesn't like other women or if she just doesn't like people. I love her snarky shade, zero fucks energy and her amazing ability to give a resting bitch face at all times. This show definitely wouldn't have succeeded without Kate Chastain and she is my spirit animal in any and all ways, if I was stuck on a boat serving rich assholes with zero sleep then I'd probably hate the dumb bitches around me who can't fold laundry too. Although this is a stellar season of television, Caroline's CRAZY social media presence is a lot and is just as entertaining. Every day she seems to go on at least a dozen rants towards Bravo, Kate, Captain Lee, the production company and even Andy Cohen's selfies. Caroline is an unstable, crazy bitch who's clearly having a mental break which is exactly why we need her on the reunion.
The guests asked Adrian to prepare American food for dinner and instead of frying some burgers and giving them the greasy goodness they desired, he gave them small French food with a slight American twist which they all seemed to enjoy but if I want a burger with onion rings on the side, it better give me diabetes. He doesn't need to make it fancy just because he didn't want to spend his night frying food. The inability to make American food isn't the only thing I don't like about Adrian. He sucks. Apart from icing out both Rhylee and Caroline for speaking harshly towards him one time, he is a sneaky little bitch disguised as a zen peaceful yogi. Adrian spent the entire episode passive aggressively feuding with Ashton over who got to fuck the new third stew and having bitchy confessionals. If you want to be an asshole, be the biggest asshole you can be, but be honest about it and don't try and disguise your dick ways with a yoga mat.
As a reward for working so hard, the crew got the day off to get drunk at a beach club which sounds like a dream for people who have been working on a boat for six weeks. Adrian doesn't drink or have meaningless sex which basically describes how fun he is as a human being. How did this wet blanket get cast on a reality show? Being an alcoholic in training should be a prerequisite to be on reality TV and having meaningless sex is the main part of this particular show. He doesn't drink, fuck or fight, saves all his bitchy ways for his confessionals and cooks perfect food, what part of this belongs on a reality show? Maybe Top Chef is more his speed. Ashton tried to get into Laura's pants all day at the beach club while she talked shit about him to Adrian and annoyed Kate with her ability to breathe. Laura could exhale and it would send rage down Kate's spine.
After a day of Ashton doing his best to try and finger with the new girl, everybody wound up drunk back at My Seanna where Ross started making out with Rhylee in her cabin. How the fuck did this happen? They started the episode fighting each other and ended it in each other's mouths. I love a hate fuck and I'm disappointed he didn't just fuck her in missionary in her small little bunk bed instead of just playing tonsil hockey behind the door. Since Caroline left Rhylee finally has a room to herself, why couldn't they have had a quick session to relive each other of their sexual tension? I don't know why there is a recurring theme of the deck crew drunkenly coming into Rhylee's room but I hope to see it happen more often.
Finally, after everybody recovered from a day of drinking, the new deckhand arrived nice and early. His name's Tyler, he loves to surf and wants to skydive into a forest fire. I don't know if he borrowed that line from his Tinder profile but he probably should've left it there. There's not much to report on him but I hope he also sticks his tongue down Rhylee's throat because that's the only thing he could possibly bring to this show.
Following the crew's amazing behaviour on the last charter, Laura dropped champagne glasses all over the floor minutes before the new charter guests arrived and once they were aboard, Ashton got stuck in one of the several ropes on the boat and was pulled under with Rhylee very calmy whispering into her walkie-talkie "Man Overboard" followed by hazy camera angles that he had already seen in the previews all week. Obviously, Ashton didn't die which is surprising because I don't understand how you get sucked under a boat and live to continue to contract Tahitian STDs, but I can't wait to see what happens.
Below Deck airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!