I've been putting off this recap because I don't want to admit that the Dallas Housewives are actually leaving our screens. Although this season took a while to heat up when it was good it was better than a squirting orgasm and anything the Beverly Hills ladies have put out in years. This show is so compelling because all the ladies are honest with their lives, relatively new to the reality TV machine and still desperate enough to create some drama because they want to keep their jobs. When you mix those three things together you get a stellar season like the one we just sat through.
Apart from the frat party for Stephanie's husband's late in life college adventure we got an update on a few of the ladies lives. LeeAnne finally booked her wedding date at an LGBT church which is a beautiful symbol of her love and support for the community, you can say a lot of things about LeeAnne but saying she doesn't love her gays isn't one of them. The resident carny is a self-confessed outcast so she fits in perfectly with the other people society doesn't accept and those people are where the real party is at. The date for her wedding is April 27th which obviously falls into the filming schedule for the next season, so we are going to have a front row seat to all the mishegas surrounding her big day. I just hope she has her bachelorette party at The Roundup.
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After complaining for two seasons and countless years off camera, D'Andra finally got the company her mother promised her years ago. I'm just happy that we will no longer have to hear her talk about this fucking business and as overjoyed as D'Andra was to finally have full control of her mother's company and have her mother tell her she is proud, I bet she's also freaking out because she's going to have to find a new storyline. Maybe she'll mix it up and turn on Brandi because I can't think of any more possibilities for her next season aside from continuing to make LeeAnne Locken her storyline.
This episode was mostly made up of jello shots and LeeAnne Locken monologues. That girl just did not stop. Every scene she was in came with its only dramatic speech which was better than anything Shakespeare has ever written, can we nominate her for an Emmy for acting and writing because her off the cuff rants are riveting. They're fucking scary but nonetheless riveting. I took the liberty to write down all her monologues because I can't do them any justice by talking about them. Just read the passages in LeeAnne's voice and her use of punctuation:
"Every ounce of me wants to walk in the door and say the peaceful bitch that you all have been dealing with is back home banging the shit out of that Tibetan singing bowl and Bitch LeeAnne showed up to kick all y’alls asses"
"Cry bitch. Act like you’re shit is hurt when it ain’t. Be a mother fucking victim that you created for yourself. Bullshit."
"Jesus Christ please tell me what the fuck to do because I can’t hear you. You fucking left me and I’m so fucking alone."
Along with her varied dramatic readings, we also had to sit through a frat party Stephanie held for Travis who is going to Harvard for a month. What better way to send someone off the college than to get him drunk and throw him around in foam, I just hope Stephanie let him fuck her on their closet floor to give him the full college experience. He said he wanted butt sex so maybe that was his going away present?
All the ladies showed up in various college attire, Brandi wore her cheerleading uniform because she feels the need to remind us endlessly of the fact that she used to have pom poms and the ability to do cartwheels, D'Andra and Cary looked like they were going to the mall, Stephanie's hair looked like Little Bo Beep and Kameron and LeeAnne showed up in matching Clueless costumes. How did Kam think of Cher in Clueless when she heard it was a college theme? Wouldn't you just dress up as a THOT with a questionable hairstyle and some magic mushrooms in your purse? That's how you really dress up as a college kid. Kameron went the extra mile and really did look like Cher Horowitz with her white socks, yellow shirt and blonde hair but LeeAnne looked like Cher's cousin from Oklahoma who got her hand me down clothes but it only added to her charm.
Apart from the weak costumes, the real meat and potatoes of this episode was the confrontation between Brandi and LeeAnne. Since day one these two women have been the two superpowers of this show fighting for the crown of Dallas, Brandi started as the bubbly Jesus Juice drinking young mother while LeeAnne was put into the villain role with her dark hair and tendency to threaten to kill her costars. For the first two seasons, although LeeAnne's outbursts were driving the plot of this show, Brandi managed to get all the girls against her enemy, however, since she started banging on a bowl everybody has seen LeeAnne's true colours which frustrated Brandi because she hasn't had a consistent storyline or a scapegoat to make everybody hate.
These two women do not like one another. At all. There's no trust and the bullshit back and forth they are fighting over does not matter, the crux of their issues is that they have a deep hatred for each other on both ends and will never, ever be able to be friends. That's not even a possibility and their petty "issues" are redundant because there's no way they can ever come together. LeeAnne didn't like being called a wicked witch and Brandi didn't like being called an alcoholic. It's tit for tat but LeeAnne's tat is always going to be bigger than Brandi's tit and we've seen her tits from the Baltic sea scene, so we know that really is the case. The tit for tat between these two superpowers is the core of the show and as much as dislike Brandi you can't have Real Housewives of Dallas without either of them because their deep disdain for each other drives the show.
By the time the two alpha dogs came face to face, it wasn't long before the cheerleader got in the carny's face and got the reaction she's been looking for all season. LeeAnne poked her on the chest which prompted Brandi to kick her out of the party while LeeAnne gave her a look like she was something from the exorcist. Seeing LeeAnne Locken slowly back away while whispering "try me" and looking Brandi dead in the eye will haunt me forever but I also need that GIF in my life ASAP. Brandi ran off crying and complaining about the fight and I really think she deserves to win an Oscar for her tears. Brandi has wanted this all season. She's been poking and prodding LeeAnne since the cameras started rolling, she wanted to have her weave pulled out so she would have another thing to add to her checklist of things LeeAnne has done to her to prove she hasn't changed, so congratulations Brandi Redmond, you finally got LeeAnne to react.
Obviously, LeeAnne shouldn't have touched her but she could and should have done a lot worse. I'm surprised she didn't at least pull her hair or give her a little slap because those hands mean business. D'Andra did the exact same thing to LeeAnne during their Copenhagen fight and nobody batted an eye, LeeAnne is held to a much higher standard and I am so over the constant double standards of this show. Enough is enough, these ladies can just agree with everything Brandi does but villainise LeeAnne for reacting. It's fucking annoying and I hope they throw in a level-headed voice of reason with no allegiance to either side next season who can cut out all the bullshit and keep everybody accountable.
After the big blow up, LeeAnne and her pigtails cried on the floor while Cary poured a drink on her and D'Andra followed Brandi because she was "sick of the darkness" LeeAnne carries around. I've been so disappointed in D'Andra's increasingly asshole-esque behaviour all season but now I can officially confirm she is a cunt. She's known LeeAnne for ten years, chose her as the maid of honour and saw the taunting she had to endure last season. D'Andra knows LeeAnne and she still chose her new friend of five minutes over one of ten years. It's ridiculous and she sucks more than an industrial strength vacuum cleaner. I loved D'Andra last season because I thought she was a ride or die who was the one friend to always stand by LeeAnne but it only took one stupid fight about money and a reality show to see their friendship end. It's sad and she is only doubling down on her shitty ways from the reunion sneak peek.
The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Wednesday at 10/9c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the lone star ladies.