MJ's wedding was exactly what I needed. It was a fun, light, hilarious episode of television that gave me faith in the human race and made me feel genuinely happy for everyone involved, something I normally struggle doing watching reality TV. No, this season was not the best we've seen from the Shahs, however, this episode saved it and made the endless episodes about nothing finally worth it. The producers started us off with a cute dreamscape of MJ dreaming about her wedding preparation and I both enjoyed and hated her acting skills. She's on reality TV for a reason.
I normally hate wedding storylines because at the end of the day we know everybody walks down the aisle and gets married from the photos we've seen in Us Weekly, so watching the bride stress out and threaten to cancel the wedding is never entertaining because we know it doesn't happen but seeing MJ get prepared for her wedding day was just enjoyable TV. From her blurred nip slip to her binge drinking to Vida accosting her makeup artist, there was nothing boring about the wedding prep. Here's a note to the world: if we have to see Mike's salami man nipples, why can't we see MJ's? Don't we believe in equality? #FreeTheNipple.
RELATED: Who The Shahs Of Sunset Would Be On Jersey Shore
Vida hated MJ's makeup because it was too dark and said she looked like wood, but she was heckling the makeup artist from when she was putting the base on. Poor Marine, first of all her name is Marine and on top of that she had an angry old Persian mother yelling at her. Vida can never just shut the fuck up and go with the flow but I think seven years into this show she knows how to get the attention on her when she wants it, even if it's her only child's wedding day. Mercedeh's makeup looked beautiful, a little heavy but it's what she wanted.
I don't know why MJ left everything to the last minute and didn't try on her dress. Was it that hard to schedule another fitting? It looked very regal once she finally put it on and she literally looked like Persian royalty but like usual her titties were 53 seconds from popping out at all times. Shams name was also embroidered on the front of her veil in Farsi which was such a beautiful gesture to have and blended in perfectly with the floral pattern. I loved it and I know his spirit was in one of the backseats watching MJ get married. Going through a death is one of the hardest things you can do and getting married is closely behind it, so the fact MJ was able to do both in just a few months with a camera crew in her face is a testament to how she carries this show on her back. But Mercedeh, don't cry on your wedding day and fuck up Marine's makeup.
I don't know how Persian weddings work but did she need to invite the extended relatives of each cast member? Shervin's brother was there with a baby and Mike even brought his parents along. Speaking of family, everyone who wasn't Reza in the cast met up before and there was serious sexual tension between Nema and his sister. Can they just fuck if they haven't already? I can't decide if he wants to fuck his sister or put a dick in his mouth but for a straight male, I'm guessing neither is a compliment. Maybe it's the rosé that's giving me those vibes? Who does he think he is, Lisa Vanderpump?
After waiting for over an hour the wedding finally started. I'm all for being late to your own wedding but what are you supposed to do in the audience while you're waiting? I hope those Persians had Candy Crush installed on their phones and a flask in their pockets because that is a long time to wait for a wedding. Tommy and his groomsmen also wore Jordans down the aisle which gave it a New York vibe, Tommy signed away all his money in the prenup so he may as well get one thing he actually wants. Finally, after leaving everyone sitting in their seats for more time than the actual wedding, MJ walked down the aisle to cheers from the crowd. Walking is the polite term, she more stumbled because she didn't practice in the dress and once she got down the stairs she just started hugging and talking to the wedding guests like she was Kim Kardashian at a meet and greet at a mall in 2009.
Who is she, Madonna? It was fucking hilarious seeing her walk through the crowd to stop and talk and I'm glad the wedding was funny as opposed to pretentious and boring like the other weddings we've seen on Bravo. If I ever get married I'm definitely modelling it off the Javid model. The entire cast was filming her walking down the aisle but do they not see the sweaty camera guys filming their every move? Don't they know they are already getting a high-quality home video out of this? And GG, Nema and the others aren't going to actually watch those videos ever but I guess it added to the fan atmosphere of her walk down the aisle. MJ couldn't even get onto the alter without Reza stepping on her train which is just another example of this hot mess wedding - and I loved it.
The venue and display were beautiful but the wedding itself was the perfect amount of humour, messiness and didn't have a whole bunch of sappy love bullshit. We know they're in love and it's more real seeing them argue like an old married couple than try to front as if they've never been more in love. The wedding proceedings just got messier as they went on, they sat under a sugar cloth where MJ may or may not have fallen on her dog, Tommy gave her a beautifully rehearsed heartfelt speech and MJ replied by making something up on the spot and repeating "love you more" about 34 times which made Tommy laugh and her say "fuck you" in front of God, in her white wedding dress in front of the guests. I wish more brides would say fuck on their wedding day, not just behind the scenes but in front of everyone on the alter. However, he gave her Vida's old wedding ring, they sucked honey off of each other's fingers and had their first wedded kiss.
MJ has delivered all season and I'm glad her wedding was just an extension of the hot mess she's always been. Normally I just scroll through my phone whenever I see a wedding special on TV because they always tend to the say the same sappy things and blend into one but Mercedeh's wedding was fucking hilarious and was like a scene out of a 90s sitcom, which is the ultimate compliment. It was a beautiful hot mess and was definitely my favourite wedding to ever take place. I may not even like my own this much. The reception was even more stunning and although nothing really happened, the scenery looked like what I imagine heaven to be, the white and gold theme was executed perfectly and Bravo's budget was money well spent.
My takeaways from the reception are that Mona and Shervin should definitely fuck because he would be a better choice than her brother, MJ's jumpsuit was beautiful and the perfect idea for a wedding because who doesn't want to be able to dance without moving their dress around? Mike tried to get some camera time with his mother but nothing substantial happened and I am so sick of hearing him talk about his commitment issues. We get it, you cheated and got divorced, how many times can we hear the same information? Reza asked GG if she wanted to put Nema's dick in her mouth and she just laughed which is code for "fuck no, but I can't say it on camera" I just want them to fuck for the dramatic and awkward fallout which would definitely occur. I'm sure he could service her.
In a last attempt to squeeze out another scene before the end of the season, Reza and Adam had yet ANOTHER fucking talk about their baby making process. Until I see a pregnant surrogate, I don't want to hear about them having a child. I'm sick of the same conversation and Adam is like a stale piece of spaghetti someone stepped on. He was no backbone but even I felt bad for him when Reza kept saying he didn't want to use HIS money for the baby.
RELATED: Shahs Of Sunset: Season 7 Ranked!
As far as I'm concerned when you're married, all funds are mutual and how is Adam supposed to match Reza's financial status? He has a reality TV career and gets paid money to live whereas Adam is just a nine to five accountant or something, they're never going be on the same level. If someone spoke to me the way Reza speaks to Adam I would feel 2 inches tall but I guess he likes it because it's harder for Adam to stand up for himself than it is for Shervin's dick to get hard when he's on a coke binge. They ended up working it out, I think, I really don't give a fuck.
The wedding was a beautiful day. They cut the cake and I was a little disappointed Reza didn't start throwing it around the boughy venue because this is Shahs Of Sunset, after all, I don't think they've ever actually consumed a cake without it landing on everybody's clothing. The wedding didn't really have an end, just everyone dancing together, can't we get the updates like they give us on Housewives season finales? However, the entire wedding looked like such a fun day which all the guests seemed to enjoy. I really needed this wedding tonight and the reunion looks like a mess, which means it will be great. I can't believe we are finally at the end of this very short season. Until next week, salamati!
Shahs Of Sunset airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the flossiest Persians in LA!