Holy shit. I didn't have high hopes going into this reunion due to the boring season we had to endure, however, every single person on those couches (even Adam) managed to drop bombshell after bombshell and gave us the drama we needed all season long. These Persians are always known for giving us explosive reunions but this time they DELIVERED. Big time. This reunion saved the season and I could barely get my mouth off the floor long enough before there was another shocking revelation, I was GLUED to the TV and I'm so proud of them for coming in hot and taking no prisoners. None. Not one. Zero, zero, zero, zero. DONE!
Before we dig into the juiciness, I completely dropped the ball and forgot to post the reunion fashion roundup while the episode was airing, so click below if you want to check out our shady commentary on this very glamorous reunion.
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We started with MJ talking about her impending baby behind the scenes but Tommy gave her the advice to not tell Vida on a day like reunion day, I'm guessing he means in front of cameras, however, Mercedeh already planned to tell the entire cast and she would NEVER hear the end of it if she announced her pregnancy to her cast members and a film crew before her judgemental Persian mother. Like always Andy went around the group with his awkward hellos where we learned the producers gave him a Farsi sentence to say to Mike, Reza wanted to roleplay as a gay 70s Middle Eastern dictator with Adam, GG lied about getting plastic surgery which the producers very subtly shaded her for by showing social media receipts and Nema had war notes for the reunion.
The Shahs are known to start their reunions with fire and this year was no exception. They are like boxers getting pumped and as soon as the cameras turn on they are ready for battle, I love their reunions because no one is safe, there's no loyalty and everybody gets called out which is refreshing after sitting through Housewives reunions with strategic boring alliances where nobody is ever held accountable. The first discussion was Big Bear. Mike tried to explain why he decided to invite Mona to Big Bear but I could've told you that, she didn't go on the trip to see how she could fit in with "Mike's friends" she went there to test how she fit in with the "Shahs Of Sunset" on camera and Nema didn't go to "protect" his Angelina Jolie-esque sister, he went to join a reality show, so that fight was redundant before it even started.
The Mike and Nema feud was entertaining and adorable. The Big Bad Botoxed Wolf of the show likes to swing his dick around and remind everyone he is the alpha in the group and Nema was pissed about how he had treated his sister. Mike claimed he didn't want to date Mona because she had a chipped nail on their date, how can someone be that much of a pig? Now that Jax Taylor has tried to better himself, Mike is the biggest asshole on Bravo and that nail comment more than justified it. Nema and Destiney claimed Mike still sexts Mona to this day which I 10000% believe. Destiney was a shining light in this reunion, she called out Mike's disgusting, misogynistic, sexist pattern and acted as the Gloria Steinem of the group. She kept it ALL the way real. Nema and Destiney may not have fought with anyone during the season but they more than made up for it when they both came for Mike. He's a pig and I'm glad someone is finally holding him accountable for his bullshit.
Either Mike and Destiney fucked, she's embarrassed and trying to make it seem like it never happened, or he wanted to get with her, she rejected him so he's being a dick because there was a weird tension between them the entire time. He tried to call her out for being fake on camera after he said she wanted to see his shoombool OFF CAMERA during the break, but the cameras are always rolling so we got the reciepts of Destiney saying he should show EVERYONE his shoombool, not just her. Once again, Mike was lying and I'm more surprised about how many words for penis there are in Farsi, I thought they just had dool but now there's a shoombool? Those Persians are creative.
He described his "type" of girl which is basically a Kardashian lookalike. Mike wants a young 25-year-old THOT with fake hair, fake lips, fake boobs, fake butt and a dull personality who will clean his house, cook him Persian food and suck his dick on demand. Mike sucks and I understand we need him to fill the asshole role on this show, however, it doesn't make him anymore easier to watch. The group also established Mike pushed Morgan to the side when he was pursuing Mona but after she didn't fall to her knees for him, he went back to his fivehead of a girlfriend, which was obvious from the beginning of the season. Watching the men fight in colourful suits never gets old and amplified the entertainment value of this episode by 90%.
They brought the husbands, Adam and Tommy out, and it always seems redundant and a waste of time to bring Adam to a reunion because of his dull personality, however, for once, Adam delivered more than Tommy. It all made sense when Reza announced he had asked Adam for a divorce after he didn't feel appreciated in their marriage. My mouth is still on the floor. I'm not shocked though because they've never had an equal relationship, Reza makes more money and continuously feels the need to remind Adam it's HIS money. I understand he's proud of his coin like he should be, but it's demeaning the way he rubs it in his face and I'm saying this as a person who doesn't like Adam. If Reza wanted a divorce a week ago then investing hundreds of thousands of dollars into IVF isn't the smartest thing to do and no one brings up the D word if their marriage is good. They are obviously in a dark spot and I don't see it improving. I have hope but Reza has seemed D-O-N-E ever since Adam dropped that emerald.
The juiciest part was them bringing up Mike trying to threaten to expose Reza and Adam on WWHL by insinuating they bring a third party into their bedroom which Reza denied but after hearing about their marital woes it may not be far off. Mike said they are into some kinky shit but who isn't? There's no need to slut shame because everybody likes what they like whether it's being whipped, having your asshole tickled or anything else under the sun, who gives a shit? Except if people are literally shitting on one another because that is nasty. Apparently, Adam's butthole's nickname is "Pink Jellybean" which is the most interesting fact we've ever heard about him. Couldn't we have found this out seven years ago it would've made me like him so much more, it's always the quiet ones who are the freakiest.
This entire season Reza, Mike and MJ haven't really had much to do with Golnesa. They've been nice at social events but their relationships with her has been nothing but surface, so I'm glad they were finally forced to confront each other at the reunion because these OGs are the heart of the show and the reason it was lacklustre this season was from missing the relationship between GG and the rest of the OGs, whether it be good or bad. GG is basically baked 24/7 but production forced her to reframe from getting high before the reunion to prevent another weed induced paramedic visit, the reason Golnesa has been nice all season is because she's constantly high but we got sober GG for this reunion which means she was ready to fight.
I feel like there's a missing piece of the puzzle. Reza, MJ and Mike do NOT like Golnesa and kept saying she's in a bad place. She's obviously suppressing her pain from her disease and divorce by getting high every day and escaping from her problems but how does she being in a bad place affect them inviting Shalom's ex to Valentine's Day party? I'm confused. Reza and MJ love stirring Golnesa up and obviously expected her to blow up about them inviting Shalom's ex, and I'm glad they owned up to being messy and didn't try to cloak it in some bullshit excuse.
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The main issue between Golnesa and her fellow OGs was that they called Shalom, filled his head with shit about GG which caused him to sue her. That's messy as fuck. Did Golnesa kill one of their siblings? Dismember a relative with one of her knives? I'm confused because that came out of nowhere and I can't even think of a motive on their end. Why do they want to fuck with her so hard? And what could he possibly be suing her for, isn't he the one on the hunt for a green card? Shalom went after the wrong reality TV show girl to marry, instead of a Shahs Of Sunset star he should've set his sights on a 90 Day Fiance cast member.
MJ, Reza and Mike should have loyalty towards Golnesa over Shalom but then it wouldn't be a reality show, would it. I love Reza but why did he need to go back to GG doing "vile" things to him. She clawed Adam's face three years ago, haven't we moved on? He can't keep bringing up everything she's ever done to him whenever they're in a fight but it just proves none of them have actually liked Golnesa for years. As a result of the Shalom talk, GG stormed off, changed into her street clothes and got ready to leave the set. I hate walkouts because they’re just a waste of time and we know the person storming out is coming back, however, GG was determined to get the fuck out of dodge, even if it looks like she returns next week which we need her to do because this situation escalated faster than Mona rejected Mike and is more confusing than Adam's existence on this show.
Shahs Of Sunset airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the flossiest Persians in LA!