RHONJ Recap: Backstaubber

November 15, 2018

Danielle Staub, the prostitution whore and fiancee of 21 people is a broken human being. She's never exactly been whole in the decade that we've known her but in the first seasons she was more natural and authentically crazy, now she's back with PTSD from her old reality TV war wounds combined with a thirst to stay in the limelight. Her hair is way too dark, her skin is too veiny and she always looks three seconds away from her next breakdown. Maybe she needs the Siggy Flicker butt pellets to even her out but I don't think anything could fix her. She's a certifiable psycho. 

 

Obviously, I don't like Danielle. She's not relatable, funny, witty or even interesting, she's just a snake that slithers her way into situations making weird cringe-worthy sexual references she thinks are funny which is optimal for a reality TV show. The producers obviously have a deep-seated hatred towards her which is why they won't give her a tomato or whatever they hold in Jersey, but a "friend" position really is the only capacity we need to see her in. It gives the drama which we know Danielle will bring but we don't have to waste time seeing her family and learning anything about her unstable home life, we only see her interactions with the other women and that's all we need. Does anyone want to see home dinners with Marty and the kids? 

 

I am obsessed with Danielle's breakdown in this episode because it showed us the true essence of who the prostitution whore is as a human being. Margaret shared the news with Danielle that she was going hatchet throwing with Dolores and judging by her reaction you would've thought someone was asking her to crucify her first born. She didn't want Marge to go because of her own issues with Dolores, was pissed that she had excepted the invite and started pacing around her kitchen in fury. I'm all for loyalty but Danielle needs to chill the fuck out, she did the exact same thing with Jacqueline in season one and she needs to learn how to allow her friends to also be friends with people who may not like her. If Margaret wasn't allowed to hang out with anyone who didn't like Danielle the only people she could be friends with are the mice like Cinderella. 

 

After she acted like a territorial middle schooler Danielle said they only thing Marge and Dolores have in common is that Marge cheated on her husband and Dolores was cheated on. How would cheating bond these two people together, if anything wouldn't it make Dolores dislike Margaret because she knows what it's like to be cheated on? That was a bad connection and obviously the only low blow Danielle's brain could come up with under pressure, however, Marge sat there unbothered and didn't give into Danielle's dramatic ways so the prostitution whore stormed out crying and left Margaret sitting in her own kitchen. In her house. Couldn't she have shown her guest to the door? Normally I can tell when Danielle is creating drama for a moment on camera, like her glass throwing moment in Milan, but you could see in her unstable eyes she was genuinely hurt and having a Fatal Attraction moment from hearing this news which is fucking ridiculous because it really was not that big of an issue. 

 

Who the fuck thought of hatchet throwing? I'm not against it but what the fuck? They must be running out of ideas in the Housewives realm, but I'm glad we didn't have to sit through another Great Gatsby party or escape room. Nothing happened aside from the girls completely missing the target but Marge decided to invite them on an Oklahoma trip because she's designing fabulous hospital clothes for sick kids, let's just hope they don't have the Vineyard Vines whale logo on them. We finally got our introduction to the new girls and I don't have strong feelings either way, I believe a strong "meh" would suffice. 

 

The new Jew, Jackie, has two sets of twins which broke my soul because you know how I feel about small children on Bravo. Seeing them play with the Gorga kids physically hurt me and I don't know if I can do a season of this. Do the producers give them red bull before taping? Jackie seems fine, she's a writer and has a relatable energy about her but seeing her pretend like she had no idea about Teresa and Melissa's relationship when she had obviously been a fan of the show was hard to swallow. I'd have more respect for her if she didn't fake it for the cameras like a pornstar faking an orgasm to get the scene over and done with. 

 

The other new girl Jennifer sucks. I prefer to call her Jacqueline Laurita 2.0 because they seem to be going to the same doctor, she too has five children who look like little Turkish meatballs so Bravo obviously didn't get the "no kids" memo. We also learned she shops at Jovani and lives in a hideously large marble covered Giudice-esque estate. Why does every house on this show have more marble than a national monument? Even though she was born in Queens, she's Turkish so she was set to be in an arranged marriage but then met her (also Turkish) plastic surgeon husband who seems like an asshole. I understand we have to have a dick husband on every franchise to hate but he was Jim Bellino level controlling and didn't want her to go on the Oklahoma trip. There are different levels of asshole husbands which range from thirsty (Peter Thomas) to pervy (PK) to rude little bitches (the OC's Little Bitch) but controlling husbands are by far the worst.

 

She's going on a girls trip, what did he expect when she became a Real Housewife? It's one thing to ask your wife not to go away but it's another thing to tell her she isn't allowed to go with a camera in his face. Does he not realise viewers everywhere are going to call him a dick and speculate about their marriage? He claimed he didn't want her to go because he would have to get home early to look after the kids. I'm sorry, if you can afford to brag about having sixteen bathrooms in your home, you can afford to hire a nanny. The husband, whose name completely escapes me, looked like a deflated basketball and it's unsettling to think he's a plastic surgeon. You won't go to a dentist with bad teeth. The new girls seem okay but I need a few more episodes before I start to give a fuck about them. 

 

Aside from Marge Sr getting a facelift, the second facelift I've seen on Bravo in two weeks, we saw the beginning of the latest Giudice/Gorga divide. I am so over seeing Teresa fight with her brother and his wife, we've seen this story play out 300 times and I just don't care. Teresa's entire presence on the show is stale, she's obviously just waiting around because she needs the Bravo check in order to feed her kids and that bodybuilding scene was rough. If she wants to wear way too much fake tan and have a neck like Frank Sr's, than go for it but I don't want to see her work out, complain about not being able to consume food and have two butch female trainers yell at her for not looking like a dry piece of steak. I'm also very concerned for her hair, it's AGGRESSIVELY blonde and looks one it's one touch away from falling on the floor. It's scary and Teresa definitely looked better as a brunette. 

 

Papa Gorga was mad Joe didn't see him for two weeks. Joe and Teresa's dad has nothing to live for, he's a lonely old man without his wife and just wanders the halls of Teresa's cold Italian compound during the days thinking about his children not talking to him. Why doesn't he call Joe himself? Is Joe not returning his calls or is the dad just expecting him to call? Papa Gorga has always been harder on Joe and Tre, however, I understand where he's coming from. If their mother dying taught them anything it should be that life is short and Joe saying he can't see his bad because of work isn't good enough. One day when his dad's dead he's going to regret that choice and family is so much more important than work, are you telling me Joe can't free up one day? Does he really work on a Sunday? He's a contractor who sets his own hours so I'm not buying this.

 

I'm shocked to be taking Teresa's side because I was always a strong Gorga supporter during their initial feud, however, at the Easter lunch all she did was ask him to spend more time with their dad, it wasn't even in a messy Teresa way and she definitely could've been a bigger bitch about it. However, Joe and Melissa started flipping out and getting PTSD of their old fighting ways, all Joe needed to say was that he'll make time to see his dad and the conversation would've been over but he kept it going by getting mad at Teresa. Don't be mad at Tre, just fix the issue.

 

All the kids went to play outside after the kid that Tre didn't visit in hosptial had the idea for an easter egg hunt but, of course, Gia and the hickey on her arm stayed inside to get involved in adult drama. Was anyone going to address the fucking hickey that she didn't even try to cover up? 

 

Gia started defending her mother and Papa Gorga when Melissa told her to stay out of it. Gia and Melissa have always had the lowkey deepest, darkest feud on the show ever since Gia was little and listening to grown-up conversations she shouldn't have been listening to. Melissa has always thought Gia got too involved in adult drama, which she has and Gia never liked Melissa because she's Teresa's daughter. I'm more invested in Melissa and Gia's feud than I am in Teresa and Joe's and I could definitely watch an 18 episode season surrounding it. 

 

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.

 

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