The Situation and Ronnie Ortiz-Magro have blocked me on Instagram after being my Shade of the Week in previous months so I thought, why not try and get blocked by all the Jersey Shore men by going down the list and writing shady (but true) opinion pieces on their poor decision-making skills. Due to my inability to say anything negative about Pauly D Positivity, this week's victim is the forgotten pale member of the GTL clan, Vinny Guadagnino.
Vinny sucks. He's the smartest cast member on the show, probably because his hair isn't laced with an offensive amount of gel and his skin is a natural colour but how far does it get you in life when you're the smartest character on a show that's main focus is getting drunk, physical fighting and partying like it's 2009. Vinny's always been the funny guy in the background who says his sexual innuendos under his breath which none of the cast is smart enough to understand and cracks puns in his confessionals but what else is he really giving us besides having the full-time job of being Pauly's buttplug?
It's not that I don't like Vinny but he isn't an outrageous slightly delusional cartoon character like Snooki, Pauly, Deena or The Situation before rehab and wasn't dumb enough to get himself involved in fucked up yet entertaining relationships like Ronnie has for his entire reality TV career. Yes, the show needs at least one grounded normal person with common sense to be a voice of reason in a world full of fake tan and vodka but being the only cast member registered to vote doesn't make him interesting. No one is tuning in to see what Vinny's doing, but he's a nice B-character on the side and I appreciate that.
The most interesting part about Vinny this season has been his relationship or lack of relationship with Angelina. They hate fucked years ago in Miami when Angelina still had her old face but almost a decade later they still have a weird sexual tension no one can deny. There's no doubt on this earth that the Keto Guido hates Angelina with every fibre of his being but I think there's a tiny part somewhere inside his pale physique that gets turned on every time he has a weird game of chicken to see who will fuck the other person and the dirty little hamster does too.
Angelina and Chris were definitely angling to get Vinny into their bed on the Atlantic City trip and although all parties claim to be disgusted by the idea I think they'd all enjoy themselves and their dirty Staten Island sandwich. Can you imagine Vinny and Chris Eiffel towering Angelina? I'm down for it happening but only if there are MTV cameras present in the room - and they can't blur anything. Maybe they should just film their own bisexual threesome porno entitled "Staten Island Slut Slam: Taking The Trash Out." They could definitely all use the money. We all need to see Vinny slam his footlong Italian sausage into her Staten Island drain pipe and I know it's big because that thing looked huge in this underwear on last week's show.
Although I want them to fuck, Vinny has been a total and utter dick to her. I get Angelina was a cunt on the OG Jersey Shore but since she's returned in a Danielle Staub-esque "friend of" position she's been so much more likeable. She opened up about her tough family situation and how her dad literally told her he only had her as an excuse to get out of prison, which explains why she's so fucked up. I feel like we've finally explored Angelina on a deeper level and she is always down to do anything in order to get more camera time which guarantees drama and good TV. Vinny has never given her a chance and is still stuck in the mindset of hating her existence for reasons none of us really know. I 1000% believe Angelina's story of them being neighbours who went to high school together but Vinny is pulling a Mariah Carey by saying "I don't know her." Why can't he just be honest? He's on Jersey Shore at 30, it can't get anymore embarrassing.
Yes, Angelina may swear like a truck driver and take shits in moving vehicles but she's a person too and Vinny needs to at least give her a chance. However she didn't help matters when she hit him hard below the belt for saying he can't fuck girls without Pauly being present, which was evidenced through footage. He got butthurt and spend the next 24 hours planning his suicide and complaining about her touching his dick. She grazed the top over his pants which was probably the only action he had gotten in months besides his right hand, so he needs to take several seats and stop pretending to be a #MeToo survivor. And that was weird when he made the girl in Atlantic City leave because Pauly's girl left. Why can't he fuck a girl without Pauly also being in the room? I'd understand if they were tag teaming bitches but they both independently get under the covers with their girls for ten minutes, so it isn't a group activity. Does he need to hold Pauly's hand while girls ride them in their twin beds?
The thing that annoys me the most about Vinny is that beggers can't be choosers. He is attractive, has a great body and is better than he's ever looked but the way he looks down on grenades and Angelina is just rude, especially when he was the one who got rejected the most in the show's original run. Vinny has this superior attitude about him and just seems like an asshole who thinks his shit doesn't stink, but he's on the keto diet so I'm sure it stinks up a room.
Vinny's a well rounded genuinely good person person who managed not to become a hot mess or a complete monster through reality TV which deserves to be applauded, even if he does treat Angelina like a piece of street meat, but being a good person and being a good reality star usually don't fall into the same category.