Below Deck Recap: Gilligan's Island

November 14, 2018

As everyone started their day in a hungover state in their shitty bunkbeds through the eery night vision camera in the corner of their room, we see Caroline waking up in the guest quarters complaining about never being treated so badly. Treated badly how? Caroline got a full nights sleep on a mattress you can actually roll over on while Rhylee may or may not have gotten fingered in a bunk bed by a drunk South African guy, so out of everyone on the boat, I don't think everybody's little sister that nobody wanted is the one who gets to complain. 

 

I sympathised with Caroline because she was more lost than a Mormon in a sex shop but we're almost halfway through the season and all we've seen her and that swollen foot do is limp around the yacht. Can she at least put a sock on it? I hate looking at feet at the best of times, let alone when there's one being dragged around the floor of a boat. Put a sock on, take a Xanax and keep it fucking moving. I completely understand Kate and Josiah's frustration, they have to do all of Caroline's work because she's crippled which would suck and I'm sure there's a bright-eyed third stew they have on standby who could get to Tahiti faster than Ashton can take his clothes off, however, watching the hot mess of Caroline stumble around this boat is amazing TV. 

 

The hunchback of My Seanna walked in on Kate and Josiah talking about how others lie about being injured to get out of work. Not saying Caroline was lying but that others do, however, Caroline's a producers dream who immediately took this as a personal attack and got paranoid about the shit talking behind her back. You can almost hear the producers whispering manipulative things in her ear to make her go crazy. They are feeding shit into her ears and she's taking it like a fish to water or Charlie Sheen to cocaine. This is Caroline's Scary Island. She's Kelly Bensimon level crazy and there's only a matter of time before she starts eating gummy bears, making Gwyneth Paltrow references and saying Kate tried to kill her. I can feel the greatness coming and Caroline's only one more limp and passive aggressive conversation away from a Bensimon breakdown. 

 

This charter guests are the pickest ones we've seen. The only things they eat seem to be lettuce and air because the entire party is lactose-free, gluten free, dairy free and fun free. There are also two children in their party which makes everything so much worse. I thought this was the one Bravo show where I was finally free of watching small children run around but I guess they weaselled their way in. Why would you spend $30K on an exotic boat trip and bring your children? If you have enough money for a yacht, you have enough money for a sitter. They arrived in high spirits with the crew in white and Kate took them on the boat tour, which I feel like I've seen 312 times. I'm pretty confident I could take a charter group on a boat tour at this point. 

 

Meanwhile, the deck crew were bringing the toys out onto the water and Ashton got mad at Rhylee for asking a simple question. Chandler told them both two different plans and then after Rhylee had started to listen to Ashton's plan, Chandler changed his mind again. Is this his first job? Ever? He has no organisational skills at all and has no idea how to control a deck crew. Why did the simple plan of removing the toys from the boat change three times? It legitimately feels like Chandler's goal of the charter is to suck at his job because, if anything, he's gotten worse since his chat with Captain Lee. The product of hardcore Friends fans thinks his shit doesn't stink but I'm pretty sure his deuces could stink up the entire crew area. Also, I know I said this last week but his headscarf is personally offensive and I'm yet to understand it's purpose. 

 

The boy's treatment of Rhylee has been so cruel and misogynistic this entire season, she's obviously confused from the misleading leadership of Chandler and only asks questions to clarify what the task is but they rage whenever she does so. It's rude and they don't talk to each other the way they speak to Rhylee. The thing which makes the situation even worse is that Ashton drunkenly stumbled into her bed and (possibly) fingered her, and then pretended like he made a wrong turn on his way to look for ice cream and then yelled at her the next morning. I want these two to hook up because there's no chance of anyone else in this crew fucking, but he's an asshole to her. I see a hate fuck in their future. 

 

Adrian had his first bad meal on this charter. The little kids, of course, didn't like the food because they are four. Can't they just give them chicken nuggets and fries because there's no way a four-year-old pallette can enjoy medium rare steak and leek soup. Apart from air and steak, he had a little range of ingredients to prepare his meals and had no time either, so the picky charter guests complained about the dry steak but Kate didn't want the message to travel back to him because she didn't want it to fuck up his stellar track record, which is fair because he did the best with the little time and resources he had. With this news, Caroline, of course, carried the bone back to Adrian which he didn't appreciate.

 

Caroline spent the entire episode being a brat and thinking everyone was conspiring about her injury. We get it, she isn't Brooks Ayers and her foot is swollen. Great. But why does she have to spend the entire trip bringing the mood down, she not only is putting herself in a bad mood but she also started affecting the yogi. She was like a cheap illegal Chinese firework and everyone else onboard My Seanna was a match. Adrian finally had a talk to her about being negative and realising everyone on the boat is dealing with their own shit which, of course, set her firework all the way off. The resident redhead even managed to fight with the onboard Budda! Caroline is the Shannon Beador of this show, she thinks any and everything revolves around her and walks around with a dark cartoon cloud over her head at all times. 

 

The next morning, the deck crew started removing the toys from the boat even though the charter guests planned to swim with stingrays. How the fuck did the bosun not know about the guest's plans? The communication is fucked up from the head down and I'm not sure who should've told Chandler the information but this crew is a hot mess. These picky guests suck but the shitty crew onboard aren't helping matters. Kate, Josiah and Adrian are the only ones actually doing their jobs and everyone else is just flailing around like those inflatable balloons out the front of car dealerships. Even though the party of ten, with two small children, were going stingray diving, Chandler decided to stay at the yacht because he didn't want to spend time with Rhylee. 

 

There's a massive excursion away from the boat and you're telling me the head bosun didn't go because of his petty beef? For that alone, he should've been fired for thinking it's okay to sit at the boat and take a break - and this is the third time it's happened. The deck crew even tried to get their bosun on the walkie-talkie which, of course, didn't work. Whenever they leave the boat and try to contact him it never works. Does he turn it off? Does production cut the connection to get some drama? I'm confused but if Captain Lee can hear their calls for help, I'm pretty sure Chandler can. 

 

When the deck crew finally dropped the guests at the island to go swimming with stingrays they went back to the yacht without giving the guests any of their supplies. No towels, no water bottles and most importantly, no beers. There was three people on that tiny vessel and not one of them could literally pick up a bag? All they had to do was lift something up and pass it along, didn't they realise it was taking up room in the boat? It literally escapes me how they could make such a stupid mistake and once the primary called back to the ship to complain about their fucked up service, Captain Lee was ready to substitute his fish for the deck crew's asses for dinner.

 

He threatened to make some serious changes they wouldn't like which was, of course, when Bravo decided to end the episode. Let's all say a little prayer to God AKA Andy Cohen, and pray that Chandler and his boxed set of Friends have to walk the fucking plank next week. 

 

Below Deck airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!

 

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