RHOC Recap: Tres Abuelas

November 13, 2018

This episode was rough. It was very Gina and Steve heavy, which are not the two characters this franchise needs to focus on. I do like Gina and her straight-talking New York ways, I think she's an obvious breath of fresh air and gives the show a different energy we haven't seen before but I don't give a fuck about her divorce. We aren't emotionally invested in this marriage. We didn't see them bicker on screen, have awkward passive-aggressive conversations in front of their children or explore the possibility of him joining the upcoming spinoff: The Real Assholes of Orange County starring Jim Bellino, Brooks Ayers, Simon Barney, Slade Smiley and David Beador. We didn't get any of that, so why are we expected to care. 

 

I've talked about Gina's non-event of a divorce for an entire season and I mentally cannot do it anymore, go back and read any other recap I've written about the situation because it's more draining than the black hole that is Victoria Gunvalson. Something I do want to talk about is Gina's casita. Wow. We've seen some confronting footage over the years like Tamra asking for a divorce on television, Vicki pissing on beds and Slade Smiley shirtless, however, none even come close to the horror that was Gina's new home.

 

I understand she's only there a few days a week but it looked like a tween girl's bedroom filled with IKEA furniture she bought on sale. The number of cushions for that one small space was alarming and it was reminiscent of a Vanderpump Rules style apartment, which made me miss the show even more. The OC needs to wrap up so I can get my hot messes back ASAP. Scheana's crack den of an apartment looks like Villa Rosa compared to that casita. I understand no one with money actually wants to do these shows anymore but the producers could've at least rented Gina a place to film for the remaining two weeks of filming because it was very dark to see. 

 

This weird Gina vs Tamra beef is still transpiring and no part of my being cares about any of it. Shannon definitely embellished to Tamra and made Gina's conversation sound more sinister than it was, the worst part of it all is that it was off camera, so we will never know the truth. Off-camera discussions are great for the producers because it makes viewers pick sides based on each Housewives persuasive skills but doesn't give us anything other than theories. I really do think Gina was coming from a good place but somehow she ended up being the asshole in everything, Shannon called her to get information and then used it against her. I don't think New York Gina would stir the pot and if she did I think she'd own it, Shannon has become so sour, dark and unlikeable this season it's hard to enjoy her and I wouldn't even be sad if her orange was revoked. She's given more to this show than David gave to their marriage but everything must come to an end. 

 

I feel bad for Gina because she's out of element with Tamra and Shannon. They are both experts at the Housewives game, especially Tamra and for future reference, Gina needs to keep her mouth shut. The reason I don't care for this feud is that A) there hasn't been any huge drama or fight to come from it and B) it's not exciting. If Gina did it to stir the pot and be a messy bitch I'd appreciate it more but I think everything got mixed up in a huge game of telephone and no one has interacted to discuss it. 

 

Emily invited all the girls over to her compound for a tea reading ceremony because, of course, we couldn't get through a Housewives season without a visit from a psychic or medium. If their future has been predicted once why do they need to do it every single season until the end of time? The only psychics of substance have been the one who debunked Brooks' cancer scam and Alison DuBois, for obvious reasons, other than that it's just a waste of an episode we have to sit through much like the overused vaginal rejuvenation storyline that I have now seen twice in the last month on two different shows. Enough is enough, if I see one more laser inserted into another vagina I'm going to jump into ongoing traffic. Only Gina and Tamra bothered to show up to the tea reading session so Emily's sister-in-law and the Budget Mama Elsa had to come in to fill the seats. 

 

Nothing of substance happened, the psychic woman had a Middle Eastern accent that was thicker than Emily's figure and told both Tamra and Gina they were both getting divorced. Mystic Michaela is in a corner somewhere. I don't even remember what she told Emily, that's how much I was listening, but she told Gina she needs to help someone in the group with an SH in her name, which made everyone immediately jump to Shannon. Did they just ignore the fact Emily's sister-in-law SHireen was sitting at the table? Saying Shannon Beador needs help is like saying a fish needs water, you don't need to be psychic to see that and how the fuck does Shannon always end up being the topic of conversation? I don't understand or consent. The session ended after about 43 seconds much to Tamra's relief because you could tell she would've rather been anywhere else than in that room with those people. Even Jolie's school play looked more appealing. 

 

In no way shape or form do I want Kelly and Michael to get back together but they are cute exes and seeing them bond for the sake of their child and genuinely enjoy it was a heartwarming experience. They definitely are both happier than they were a year ago and I don't know if it's a result of their divorce or the milkman but I'm grateful. Side note: Jolie looked weirdly good as a boy so if she's the first Housekid to transition, I'm not complaining. How topical would that be?

 

This episode was all about learning for me. We learned Gina still has phone sex (and actual sex) with her phantom husband, Vicki's in charge of Donn's life insurance plan even though he doesn't know, Steve Lodge can't drink coffee after 4, Vicki has a love of ripped tank tops and Tamra would rather shove an enema in her rectum than spend time with Gina. For her birthday, Gina decided to have dinner in sequins with Kelly, Emily and a few cling-ons. Tamra was invited but wound up having a geriatric themed night with Vicki, Shannon, enemas and casseroles and "forgot" to inform Gina she wouldn't be attending her birthday party. I understand she didn't want to go but she could've been nice about it because we've all been Gina when she found out her friend was ditching her party to hang out with her other friends. 

 

I hope Gina, Emily and Kelly went clubbing after the sequin dinner because that would've been a depressing way to spend your birthday. It was a nice dinner but if I don't wake up next to a stranger with a raging hangover and a strong sense of regret the day after my birthday, it wasn't a success. Emily used her party planner skills to decorate the table in sequins and framed photos of their three month long TV inspired friendship in a restaurant where the dress code was tank tops and flip-flops. I'm all for dressing in sequins and going all out for your birthday but when everyone else in the establishment looks like they came straight from Glamis, it's uncomfortable.

 

While the spring chickens were drinking, the geriatric faction of the group were at Vicki's house eating casseroles. Hearing Shannon help Tamra put an enema in her asshole was an eyeopening (or ear opening) experience and shows how true their friendship is. Once you've seen your friends asshole there's no going back, you're there for the long haul

 

After Tamra got the fluids drained from her bowels, she told Shannon how Emily had said she reminds her of her mentally ill mother. I admire Tamra for stirring the pot, getting everything out on the table and driving the plot because lord knows this show needs it more than Heather Dubrow needs an orange but it completely contradicts Tamra's stance of being mad at Gina for telling Shannon what she said behind her back. It made her look like a total hypocrite and invalidated her entire point but at least it put a bee in Shannon's bonnet and gave us something to look forward to in the finale episode. The aggravating thing is that Vicki was sitting at the table with her new facelift pretending to be innocent when she was the one who initiated the entire mental health conversation in Jamaica, she said Shannon needs medication so Shannon needs to give the new girls a break and redirect her anger towards Vicki but we all know if that happens again the universe will implode.

 

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!

 

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