What the fuck Bravo? I kept waiting for something to happen in this episode and then it ended leaving me thinking: that was it? Nothing of substance happened and I thought they'd at least try and turn the Miami trip into a two-part episode, but obviously it was so boring they could only squeeze one out of it. I'm just disappointed, if Kenya had been there the girls would've speculated about her pregnancy and she definitely would've thrown shade back and forth with Marlo and maybe even Eva but instead, we got everyone being nice. I feel weird because I like everyone this season but they aren't doing shit, I'm all for sisterhood but I also like to be entertained when I'm watching reality TV.
This season is having a slower start than we've ever seen before but I guess that's what happens when you fire the most dramatic Housewife you have and keep the stragglers who get along with everyone. This is definitely the weakest cast we've ever had. 51 Cynt may be beautiful but the only thing she adds is her varied confessional looks. Eva is a sneaky assassin who throws shade in her interviews but plays nice to everyone's face. I love Kandi but she's not messy enough to initiate any drama and Porsha is being way too extra for the cameras, she needs to take it down about eight notches and stop shaking the ass Dr Goldstein gave her. NeNe is the queen of this Housewives realm and it would feel empty without her but due to Gregg's cancer struggle and everyone being up her ass she has no reason to start drama which leaves Marlo Hampton as the only cast member willing to bring anything this season - and she hasn't even got a peach!
Marlo always comes to play, "friends of" reality shows have to bring more in order to get paid and appear on the show because if they don't they'll get edited out and have to live on the street with their shoes. Just ask Kim D, Danielle Staub and Angelina from Jersey Shore. Marlo will fight with anyone she needs to in order to secure her check and knows how to create great TV by acting like a diva and trying her hardest to ruffle everyone's feathers. She may be a 42-year-old woman with a sketchy career as a sugar baby and an LLC which doesn't exist but there's something fresh about her. Porsha and 51 Cynt are stale because we've seen them sit around for years recycling their same fake storylines and men for the cameras, however, Marlo is a bright light in a weird way because she has more energy than the energiser bunny and is always ready to go. And when a peachless Marlo is the driving force of Bravo's highest rated show, you know we are in trouble.
This season has way too much Porsha. Way too much. Bravo is trying to make her the star of the show but we are only two episodes in and I'm already over it. She's not genuine and is performing for thecameras. She never had this animated personality years ago and seeing her do NeNe-esque sound effects and gif-able faces is not only uncomfortable but fake as fuck. We found out that last week's cliffhanger was a bunch of bullshit and Dennis only gave her a watch, which was pretty clear given how big the box was.
After the gift the soon-to-be engaged couple fucked and went to the club but we found out later Dennis disappeared around 1am and claims he went downstairs to see his friend. What the fuck? This "businessman" is so sketchy and he's setting himself up for failure by lying on a reality show, doesn't he see the cameras. His mumbling voice and terrible excuses are obvious red flags Porsha is ignoring because she wants a kid and a ring, but I can already visualise Bravo throwing these clips in when Porsha's getting divorced in two seasons after finding Dennis in bed with her cousin and talking about the red flags she ignored.
The next morning Dennis gave her a necklace. Did he rob a jewellery store? I find it really hard to believe he's a businessman and the drug dealer allegations on the street are definitely easier to believe. They had a fight over Porsha wanting to use his toothbrush and I may be the only person in the world who thinks this, but I don't think it's gross. People seem to have no problems playing tonsil hockey and sticking their tongues inside assholes but then when their partner wants to use their toothbrush it's a problem? You can eat my ass but I can't use your toothbrush? But I guess nobody wants to brush their teeth with their own ass.
While Porsha's man lied to her about his drunken late night activities from the night before, the rest of the peaches (and Marlo) landed in Miami and immediately started fighting over their rooms. I will never understand these room wars. These bitches are only in hotels for two or three nights and they spend most of the day out filming, so why the fuck does it matter where you sleep? All you need is a bed and a toilet and you'll be fine. Of course, Marlo was given the smallest suite with an elevator in her room which led directly to Porsha's penthouse suite. What hotel has an elevator directly in different rooms? Maybe this was the hotel Countess Luann stayed out when she wound up having sex in someone else's room and got arrested, because that makes sense. Due to being a messy bitch, Marlo swapped her room with Porsha which was obviously set up by production, but it's all we have going on right now.
NeNe learnt from wishing rape on a heckler last year and was back on the road doing her comedy show. NeNe Leakes is no Joan Rivers and all her show really consisted of was her walking around the stage with her big deep "The Door Is Closed" voice, I didn't hear her say a joke. The gold thing on top of her head was funnier than her entire show which had A LOT of empty seats. It's not shade but aside from the ladies in the front row, there were about eight other people in the arena. The girls all surprised her before she went on which was nice to see and hearing Gregg talk about not eating for three days was hard to watch, every scene Gregg is in literally almost brings me to tears and hits me in my dead heart. It's just devastating.
The peaches had drinks following the comedy show but, of course, nothing happened so after Porsha found out Messy Marlotta had swapped their rooms everyone went to sleep and somehow a dream team between Porsha and Marlo was created. I don't know if it was their love of labels, booze or rich Africans that bonded them together but somehow at a Miami club at 3 in the morning their friendship was born, maybe it's the new Frick and Frack. However, seeing Porsha and her big ass parade around in Marlo's colourful Versace outfit was a little single black female. While they ate eggs in bed in their very long wigs, the rest of the girls FaceTimed their families in the traditional vacation FaceTime sessions. Do the producers know we don't care about them talking to their families about nothing? Every trip we see the same montage and every trip I give zero fucks.
Kandi revealed to Todd she had reciepts on Porsha's new man Dennis but said she wouldn't get involved in their relationship. In case after ten years on television she doesn't know, talking about something on camera is getting involved. Just by saying she knows something means she knows everything and this definitely ruins Dennis' story of just knowing Kandi from OLG. Judging by next week's sneak peek Kandi is going to be messy this season and we need it because the only one holding this show up is Marlo and her seven mugshots.
The ladies struggled to walk a block in the heat from the hotel to NeNe's new store Swaggalious. Marlo and Porsha were doing the most sweating it out in their wigs, makeup and a wool hat while Eva shaded them in her confessionals. Either the producers filmed the confessionals after Eva and Marlo started beefing and she's throwing premature shade as a sign of what's to come or Eva is just a fake bitch. Can she bring the infamous Eva The Diva out because I'm bored. The shop looks great, everyone was happy for NeNe and the main meat and potatoes of this episode was Gregg feeling faint and going outside. It wasn't really the meat and potatoes but more of a side salad in the afternoon, that's how far this show has fallen. Seeing the ladies try and cheer Gregg up outside was more depressing than NeNe's empty comedy show and the fact Eva was given a peach.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on our favourite Georgia peaches.