Nothing and everything happened on tonight's episode.
There was a lot of bright shiny things that went down but there isn't a lot of content to write about. How much can you write about Bambi having a vow renewal? Or LeeAnne going wedding dress shopping? Don't get me wrong I'm happy for both girls, but nothing fucking happened. All season there's been little glimpses of drama but I still feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, judging by the Copenhagen trip we have a lot to work with but aside from Mama Dee vying for a star, this hasn't been a gold star season. Maybe silver.
LeeAnne (finally) went wedding dress shopping with Stephanie which I felt uncomfortable watching. I love LeeAnne, I love her friendship with Steph but this was such an authentic real moment in her life that I don't think they are close enough to share. How long have they been friends? 3 months? It didn't feel realistic for Stephanie to be there for such an important moment but then I thought about LeeAnne. The resident carny never had a close relationship with her mother and as a result, she seeks for love in any relationship she can find. LeeAnne doesn't have acquaintances, you're either in or you're out and even if she's only been actual friends for Stephanie for less time than it takes for cookies to cool, in LeeAnne's brain they're obviously close enough to share the moment. LeeAnne is a real bitch and she wouldn've invite Steph if they weren't authentically close.
I don't think she actually settled on a wedding dress and thank god because most of them looked like they came from a haunted fairytale bridal catalogue. She looked like a Tim Burton style Snow White in her first dress. We all know my love for LeeAnne has no bounds but she has to do something with the hair. For the entire season, social media have been going crazy about her Morticia hair but I like it. Who doesn't want a weave that looks like Cher? The hair isn't my problem, the hair on her wedding day is my problem. When she walks down the aisle (not if, I'm not D'Andra) LeeAnne needs to get some shorter hair and maybe add some highlights through it because it's too long and too dark when coupled with a white wedding dress. I'm sure LeeAnne will be back next season with a whole closet of updates lewks.
Stephanie also had her vow renewal, which only had Brandi and Cary in attendance. It was cute but I don't have a fuck to give. She lives a charmed life. She has a rich husband, an amazing house, more money than god and two beautiful kids, who doesn't want Stephanie's life? Of course, I'm jealous. Stephanie doesn't have any problems in her life aside from her husband wanting anal. That's a big problem for Stephanie's cute little asshole. However, I'm not mad at Stephanie. She's a cute rich Christian girl with a cute rich Christian family and there's just nothing there, but I love her nothingness. Somehow she manages to be entertaining and I love hearing her in the background as a voice of reason while picturing myself living her life. I like Stephanie and there always has to be one perfect person with no problems on each Housewives show to even out all the crazy bullshit, that's why we have: Cynthia Bailey, Melissa Gorga, Teddi Mellencamp and Tinsley Mortimer.
The vow renewal was beautiful, her brother-in-law Joey sitting in the audience made me drip and Stephanie looked stunning. She wore the same dress from her original wedding and she looks so much hotter. She was a pretty girl back in 2008 but with the help of reality TV-inspired makeup, Stephanie looks even better than she did 10 years ago and not a lot of people besides reality stars can say that. Stephanie is like a little bunny that I just want to feed carrots to and tell her about my long day at work while she curls up in my lap and goes to sleep. She's blissfully empty and I'm weirdly obsessed with it, she's a good Housewife and definitely needs to come back for another season, out of everyone in the cast Cary is definitely the most expendable.
Stephanie gives us the simplicity of living a charmed life, being a genuinely wholesome human being and getting drunk to an all-star degree, but Cary has given us nothing this season. All Cary has done is try stir shit up by being the bone carrier of Dallas, complain about hating her parents and sell her gay husband to the world after he looked like an asshole to their daughter last season. She's just boring and she doesn't have the same lightness about her that Stephanie comes with, Cary is dull and that racoon confessional makeup isn't helping her already declining case. The excuse behind the Copenhagen trip is possibly the worst we've ever come across and we had to watch the Beverly Hills ladies go to Berlin for Erika Jayne to have a business meeting that she never ended up actually having. Can't the girls just say they are planning their annual trip? We all know they are going because they're on a TV show and I'd love it if we weren't forced to sit through the fake excuses and porn-level acting skills.
Cary decided to take all the girls to Denmark because her dad has a Danish background and she believes if she goes to Denmark then she will be able to have a closer relationship with her dad. What the actual fuck. What were the producers huffing in the back to come up with this doozy? It would be one thing if they were taking the trip together but she's going with a bunch of raging bitches who are definitely going to fight the entire time, so I'm confused how that's supposed to bring her closer with her dad. Why because they'll both travelled to the land of herring and danishes? Also, that gift basket of canned fish, baked goods and a beer was not only offensive but it was more disgusting than Brooks' pre-Vicki teeth.
Not too much else happened. I've talked about the Brandi-D'Andra-LeeAnne dynamic ad nauseam for the majority of the season and I just can't discuss it anymore, it's affecting my mental health. Mama Dee told D'Andra to start being a bitch to LeeAnne and Kameron and we finally saw how the two Simmons were related. D'Andra started talking to everyone as if she was Mama Dee and I don't know if it was because she had finally reached her breaking point or she just wanted to show off in front of her mama at her pyjama party. LeeAnne and D'Andra have been nice and polite to each other's faces at events but then break down to others about their spiralling friendship when neither one is around, I'd rather them just get into a good old cage match instead of having to pretend to tolerate each other.
Mama Dee's advice to be mean was one of the best things I've ever seen to date, I could watch her call her daughter a patsy and ask how the cow ate the cabbage all day long. How the fuck did the cow eat the cabbage? Is that some nursery rhyme in Dallas I missed out on? Is LeeAnne the cabbage? I'm confused.
I love me some Mama Dee but her stirring the alcoholic pot with LeeAnne put my obsession in check. Dee was concerned when LeeAnne spoke to her about it and then ran back to Brandi and D'Andra ranting and raving saying LeeAnne told her they were alcoholics. Why couldn't she have stepped up to LeeAnne and said that during the cooking party because Mama Dee vs LeeAnne Locken would've been a showdown for the ages. Dee is the only person on this show who has the strength and grit to go up against an angry LeeAnne Locken and I would've loved to see what happened if she confronted LeeAnne with the aggression she retold the story with. And LeeAnne never said the word alcoholic, the only person she said it to was Cary who, of course, went back and told Brandi about it. This is another reason why Cary sucks more than Kim Kardashian in her sex tape.
Cary was running around like a headless chicken repeating everything that was said behind everyone's backs but stopped once Brandi got upset that she did it to her, however, instead of staying loyal to the group she went and repeated what LeeAnne said about her being an alcoholic back to the redhead. If Cary is going to not tell others what is said behind their backs then she's got to apply it to the whole group, not tell Brandi and no one else. Cary has no loyalty to LeeAnne and she's obviously only keeping her as an ally so she doesn't have to go through another season of her marriage being attacked on national television because this is the second time she's fucked over LeeAnne this season and it's getting more tired than Lisa Vandepump's face.
Side note: Mama Dee shading Kameron's mother-in-law being the grand dame of Dallas was one of the best things I've seen in a long time. I literally squeaked at her shady eye roll and we don't deserve anything she is giving us.
By the end of the episode, all the ladies jetted off to Copenhagen with LeeAnne & Kameron vs D'Andra & Brandi, with Stephanie in the middle and Cary leaning more towards Brandi's red-carpeted asshole. Most of the ladies sprung for first class upgrades while D'Andra and LeeAnne were stuck riding in coach sitting next to randoms on an eighteen-hour flight. What the fuck Bravo? Was the budget that broke that you made your own talent pay for their first class upgrade because those tickets would've already been booked and paid for if this was Beverly Hills. Bravo needs to be better because seeing LeeAnne decline her upgrade was sadder than seeing someone you went to high school with walking the streets as a hooker.
The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the lone star ladies.