For most of the season, I've been dancing around the blatantly obvious fact that this season is more boring than watching a cat drink water and that's not a euphemism because this season has been so bad that I'd even prefer to watch forty-three minutes of a vagina sucking up water with a straw out of a cute little kittie bowl. Every episode feels like it may be heating up but then it ends before anything actually happens and we have to wait another week for the exact same thing to happen. Vicki, Tamra, Shannon and Kelly are four of the best Housewives we've ever seen across any franchise but maybe they are finally done?
I don't want to see any of them go (well, maybe Vicki) but I'm not sure how this show can move forward in its current state. Next week looks intense but it may be too little, too late because after this snoozefest of a season I don't know if I have the energy to care. It's like an old relative who's been a cunt to you for years that finally tries to apologise on their deathbed: it's too late to give a fuck.
As soon as the episode began with Gina trying to jokingly stuff her small child into her suitcase, I knew it was going to be a tough episode. You all know how I feel about Bravo and children but seeing them trying to hide in suitcases before a trip is probably the worst offence because it's more scripted than a sitcom but there's no laughing track in the background to tell us that it's supposed to be funny. Months ago when I heard the news the OC ladies were headed to Jamaica I knew it was going to be full of annoying stereotypes and the insane overuse of the word "Mon" which started before they even crossed international waters. Shannon tried to make "Jamaica Mon" the new "Top of the Morning" and it was a pretty rough transition. I wish I had alcohol on me while I was watching the episode because I would've been shitfaced if I took a shot every time one of these ladies said "Mon" which potentially could've made this episode a little easier to get through.
The moment the ladies got out of the airport they put on their Jamaican hats with dreadlocks in 99% humidity which sounds like literal hell, especially for a group of older menopausal women, can you imagine Ramona Singer on this trip? To make the heat matters worse the hotel's air conditioning was broken and Vicki revealed she needs to be fucked four times a day. How does she have time to work? Does the stale celery stick come around to Coto Insurance during her lunch break and stick it in her? Does she masturbate at her desk? Does she know what masturbating is? I have so many questions.
The only thing really going for the show right now is Shannon hating the new girls. But who cares? I feel bad for the newbies who are trying to make Shannon care about their existence but she is yet to care about them, nothing has really changed, so why should we give a fuck about this non-event of a storyline. Shannon probably knew these girls would be around for as long as the vegan milk in her fridge and that's why it takes her a couple seasons to actually acknowledge they exist. I care less about Shannon hating the newbies and more about her sucking this season. Why can't this woman just take a compliment? Every time someone attempts to give Shannon a semi-nice comment she takes a massive steamy shit all over and brings out a negative.
Tamra: The new girls loved dancing with you Shannon.
Shannon: Yeah! Well, they better I threw my friggin back out.
Tamra: Oh my god! Your skin looks so nice.
Shannon: It's only because this ponytail is pulling my face back.
Gina: This food looks so good.
Shannon: Yeah well I had no time to make anything!
Tamra: It's time to move on and start dating again
Shannon: Well David Beador started dating, while we were together!
Anyone ever: You're such a great person Shannon.
Shannon: Yeah, well David Beador obviously doesn't think so, but I'm over it. I'm over it.
Anyone ever: Hi
Shannon: WHERE'S ARCHIE?!
For fuck's sake, Shannon just learn to take a fucking compliment because no one hates anyone more than a Negative Nancy or a Sour Shannon in this case. And I hope all of you read those complaints in her voice. Someone needs to give Shannon a jar and make her put $1 in it every time she brings up David or complains about anything because maybe that's the only way to stop this. The sad thing about Shannon is that she lacks so much self-awareness tshe doesn't even realise how negative she comes across. It's more annoying than seeing Vicki get baptised at the dinner table and it's making me want to jump off the #TeamShannon train and slide under it. Her complaining is getting more tired than Vicki's pussy after sex four times a day!
The ladies went for dinner and Tamra looked like she was reverting back to her season six self. I don't know if it was the way she did her hair, her eyebrows, makeup or if it was just the humidity but it was giving me serious flashbacks to her days as the messy queen who called Gretchen a whore and threw wine in Jeana Keough's face. We need THAT Tamra back because her going up against Emily "I'll Fucking Kill You" Simpson would be great. Anyone going against anyone on this show at the moment would be great.
While out for dinner Shannon complained about having to move again. She's renting, she obviously wasn't going to live their forever. Yeah, getting boxes out and hiring movers sucks but it's better than living on the poverty line or being Vicki Gunvalson's assistant. RIP Linda. Shannon needs to realise what's important in life and it's not the fucking Zika virus. And someone please buy this woman a vibrator because she doesn't even masturbate and everyone knows you can't be your best self unless you are cumming on a regular basis. It's science or whatever.
As soon as the house discussion was over for Shannon, she checked out and couldn't find a single fuck to care about Gina's divorce issues. Yes, Shannon scrolling through her phone while Gina rambled on about divorcing her "best friend" was a genuine symbol of what I do every single week but I'm not being paid to film a TV show with her and Shannon could've at least pretended to care when they have to sit through her complaining about David Beador and her divorce for hours on end every time they get together for drinks. To get the heat off Shannon, the heat went onto Vicki who started sweating like a pig and wanted to go to the hospital before Tamra threw water on her and gave her a whore bath in public. Who doesn't love to bathe like a whore? And what is up with Vicki's fetish for going to hospitals while she's on vacation? Maybe because it fills her desire to always be the victim. But who goes to the emergency room for a hot flush? You get a fan, take your menopause medication and call it a fucking day.
Nothing else really happened for the rest of the episode. Kelly got a rash, Shannon complained about everything a human being can bitch and moan about, and Tamra talked shit about Mrs Beador to the two newbies. It would be tough work being best friends with Shannon Beador day in and day out, so I don't blame Tamra for trash talking her friend. It wasn't even trash talking as much as it was truth-telling. She basically revealed that she feels sorry for her and enables her negative behaviour but there's no other way to be with Shannon. If you don't mend yourself to deal with her and enable her then she'll walk out screaming "I'm fucking done" or throw a plate at you. Just ask Kelly! Weirdly enough, Kelly has just enough of a zero fucks attitude to make Shannon actually listen to her.
To end the episode the ladies went rafting down a dirty river which looked like a sad little stream on the side of the road which the producers found because they already broke their budget on the accommodation. Could they not find ANYTHING better for the ladies to do than sit on a raft and let guys row them around. It was like a sad, dirty version of the gondolas in a Venice. Tamra and Kelly got drunk from their rower saying "Ya Mon" while Shannon and Vicki complained about anything they could think of. Instead of taking a sip every time he said: "Ya Mon" they should've taken one whenever Shannon complained because that would get them shitfaced way quicker. After the rowing was over everyone jumped into the river on this weird Tarzan swing while Vicki spilled her heart out to the river bartender who was the best side character we've seen for a while on this show. She needs her own Dr Drew style spinoff ASAP.
We ended with the new girls joining Shannon at the table and her running back into the air-conditioned van. That was all we got this episode. Shannon can't even sit at the same table as Gina and Emily and make kind small talk. She doesn't like them, she doesn't even care enough to talk to them and now she just looks like a bitch. This storyline is older than Ramona Singer. Shannon is just an annoyance at this point and I say this as the BIGGEST Shannon Beador fan but she and her QVC fish are sinking faster than a fat kid in a lake. Couldn't she get drunk and at least try to fake a relationship with them? I don't know and I'm also struggling to give a fuck. If Shannon passive aggressively hating newbies is what the show is giving us, I don't want it. She could at least throw a plate at them to try and make it more watchable.
The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!