For the first nine episodes nothing really happened because everyone's was playing nice and only talking shit about each other behind the scenes but just as I predicted the drama finally got started when the show's two biggest superpowers LeeAnne and Brandi locked horns with each other for the 45th time and I am obsessed with the dysfunctional mutual fuckery of hate that is their relationship and how D'Andra has messily been thrown into their war with each other.
The set up for this episode was incredible. LeeAnne, Kameron and Stephanie all had a semi-sober nice lunch during the day which was juxtaposed with Brandi and D'Andra getting drunk in the middle of the day while talking shit about LeeAnne. While yes, normally the second lunch would be my ideal hangout with friends because there's nothing I love more than day drinking and talking shit, however, not when it is about Queen LeeAnne. I love a hot mess, just not this mess. D'Andra is still pissed about LeeAnne's wedding. Who gives a fuck? Unless D'Andra is planning on coming out as a late in life lesbian to become LeeAnne's bride then I'm confused while she has anything to say about the nupitals. The carny set a date for November, she's going dress shopping in two weeks, so I don't know if I have the IQ of Barbie or if D'Andra's cause for concern is just a bullshit excuse to mad at LeeAnne. There's something deeper in this relationship none of us knows about.
As soon as D'Andra started packing her bags to jump on the I Hate LeeAnne train you could literally see Brandi dripping underneath because she finally had someone else to help in her war against LeeAnne and just anyone: LeeAnne's best friend of 10 years. Brandi came in with a plan to fuck LeeAnne over and it's working, except her and D'Andra look like assholes on international television in the process.
LeeAnne's hasn't threatened to kill anyone or thrown any glasses this season, so they are obviously finding any excuse they can to try and get at her. It pains me to shit on D'Andra because she was my everything last year but she has been mean to LeeAnne for the sake of being mean and when you fuck with the Queen of Dallas, that's where I draw the line. Brandi's beef with LeeAnne is that she told D'Andra to be careful about being her friend. That's not shade, it's logic. If you got bit by a pitbull you can be around it again but you're not going to pat the bitch. Brandi will fuck LeeAnne over at any turn and this insignificant warning from LeeAnne is her perfect excuse.
While D'Andra and Brandi got drunk in the middle of the day D'Andra claimed she knows LeeAnne knew about the rumours Rich cheated but won't admit it. If this is your best friend of a decade why are you pushing her to talk about rumours that her fiance is cheating on her on camera? That's a cunty move and I'd expect it from Brandi but not D'Andra. I can't even tell you how disappointed I am in the sophomore cast member, I've kept making excuses for her treatment of her "best friend" this season but now I'm more done than a burnt turkey on Thanksgiving. Brandi and D'Andra suck. They are both mean girls ganging up for no reason and I am not here for it at all.
Once their day drinking was complete they went onto night drinking while LeeAnne attended a charity event and waited for D'Andra to show up. After LeeAnne had been mingling with the gay men of Dallas, D'Andra turned up to the event which had 8 and a half minutes left drunk, with her red-headed sidekick. Brandi and her transparent eyebrows could barely stand but for some reason, D'Andra thought this was the perfect time for the two OGs to have a discussion about how they both talked shit about each other to other people in the group. Brandi was five minutes behind everything LeeAnne was saying which just resulted in her hearing a quarter of what LeeAnne and retaliated that she can't respect her because she can't own her shit. Is that the best she can do? Maybe she needs to rewatch the first two seasons because LeeAnne always admits when she fucks up so I am more confused than a hooker on crack at this point as to what Brandi has against her.
Brandi ended up leaving and D'Andra just stood there watching her two friends fight with each other. Can't she step in and defend her friend of 10 years? Obviously not. After the event, we got a sad scene with Kam and her dwarf husband about Sparkle Dog heading to Japan, Cary realising she stirs the pot by being honest and Stephanie got vaginal rejuvenation. STOP! Can we make it a blanket rule that reality stars can no longer get their vaginas tightened on TV because we have seen it on every season of every show and it is getting more tired than a single mother of three. It's almost worse than seeing small children run around on the show.
Finally, we got the 80s party and apart from finding out that Stephanie lost her virginity on the floor of her bedroom closet with just the tip of his penis the showdown between LeeAnne, D'Andra and Brandi was basically the only thing that happened. The fuckery of a threesome that is their friendship is the driving force of this show and easily the only interesting facet of this season, aside from Mama Dee of course. Most of the ladies were barely alive in the 80s but their costumes were great. Brandi and Stephanie looked like the perfect prom couple, D'Andra looked like she does in 2018 and Kameron looked like Madonna dipped in pink but the outfits weren't really my focus when LeeAnne and Brandi once again had another conversation.
The redhead took her aside to talk about her wedding because everyone is "concerned." D'Andra is the only cast member who shares her faux concern about LeeAnne's relationship with Rich and Brandi could not find a fuck to give about LeeAnne let alone her impending nuptials. She's a bitch and I'd have more respect for her if she came out and accused LeeAnne of whatever she was trying to accuse her of instead of pretending she cares to try and passive-aggressively shade her on TV. She doesn't care why she hasn't set a date and it's none of her fucking business why she hasn't anyway.
LeeAnne then replied to her cunty behaviour by offering her a hypothetical situation of how she would feel if she said asked her personal accusatory questions about her family like: she only had a baby to save her marriage. She didn't say it as a fact she used is as an example of something mean to say because that's what Brandi was doing to her but of course, Brandi took it the wrong way and ran with it like Usain Bolt. It was a taste of her own medicine but obviously, Brandi is allergic to the truth.
Brandi also got mad at Cary for telling LeeAnne that she said she is in Kameron's ear which then Cary agreed she shouldn't have told LeeAnne? What the fuck Cary? So you can tell D'Andra what LeeAnne says behind her back but you can't give LeeAnne the same respect? If you are going to be messy be messy with everyone, not just selective cast members. Brandi wasn't mad when Cary told her that D'Andra said she abuses Adderall so why is she allowed to be mad when her messy conversation gets repeated back? It feels like there is a set of rules for LeeAnne who can't say anything without it being repeated and a different set of rules for everyone else. Cary carrying bones back to everyone was the only storyline she had going for her and without that and talk about her gay husband she really has nothing left to give. Brandi even said she'll be careful of what she tells Cary in the future which is EXACTLY what LeeAnne said about her to D'Andra so she's a bigger hypocrite than she is an annoyance.
Finally after her conversation with the resident redhead was over the old LeeAnne came back. She threw her bowl out the window, brought her carny ways back out and proved she's ready to fucking rumble on this show. These last nine episodes of LeeAnne being kind and sweet were cute but let's be real these bitches are trying to get a reaction out of her and finally, she had enough. LeeAnne threatened to go into a rage of fury which I need in my life. I felt that rage because they are setting LeeAnne up and she's falling right into it. Sure it may not be good for her mental state but it's good for reality TV and Miss Locken needs to put these bitches in their well deserves places. Can LeeAnne breath? I'm happy she's standing up to them but she's falling right into their plan. Brandi wants to pick and poke LeeAnne so that she reacts, does something messy which will then give her a bigger list of the things "she's done to her" to use against her. LeeAnne is her own worst enemy at this point because she's feeding into those bitchy girls and I just want to give her a hug, brush her weave and tell her everything will be okay.
Cary, Brandi and D'Andra will turn on LeeAnne whenever they can, all she has to do it throw a glass or get her hands out and the girls will go straight back to their old ways of labelling her as the villain which is more annoying than Kameron's voice because if they didn't provoke her for a reaction she wouldn't have to bang on a bowl to make her not threaten to kill them. In the end, justice was served by LeeAnne winning prom queen of the night which was symbolic of her continuing to reign as queen of the show while two messy bitches try to bring her down.
The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the lone star ladies.