We started with Victoria Gunvalson and her latest face going on a motorbike which basically summed the quality of this entire episode. I don’t know if I’ve ever been more offended and disgusted by a scene on any Bravo show than I was when I had to sit through Vicki screaming on Steve’s bike while she tried to look like a bikie’s wife. If she screams that loud when she's just whizzing through the streets can you imagine what kind of horrors her family voice would make when she’s bouncing on a dick? The bike ride probably got rid of Vicki’s sexual frustrations from the last two years she’s been with Steve because I cannot even imagine him uttering the word sex let alone ploughing Vicki to the point of no return. If they do have sex at all it’s definitely will all the lights off and completely under the covers.
The only thing that made this scene any harder to watch was seeing Vicki go on about how she wishes she never divorced Donn. I’m sure Steve loved to see that confessional played in the background while he took her on a bike ride. What was so great about Donn anyone? He loved Hawaiian shirts and barbecuing but apart from that, I can’t really see the draw to him, however, when you compare Donn to Girth Brooks and the stale celery stick of a man that is Steve Lodge, Donn must seem like Jesus Christ or Jerry Seinfeld. Vicki once again said all the ladies don’t work which is why Gina should stay married. First of all, does she think we are that dumb because they are obviously getting paid to film this show? And second of all, why should women have to stay married just due to their finances? I am SO sick of Vicki’s Jeana Keogh syndrome.
There was A LOT of Donn talk this episode, mainly due to Gina’s divorce. The New York import is still going through the Disneyland of divorces. She and her husband are best friends, they still fuck, are attracted together and are going to have the best stress-free divorce anyone has ever had for the sake of their children. Gina and her Minnesota accent need to cut the bullshit because anyone with three brain cells can see through the fourth wall of shit she’s trying to sell us. Gina and her phantom husband Matt were obviously ready to divorce before she joined the show and came in with a plan, that’s why we’ve never even heard his voice and why she’s so nice about their situation. She doesn’t want to diss him for the sake of their children and probably for a bigger alimony check. Gina just wants this divorce storyline out of the way so she can stay on the show for many years to come.
But for anyone thinking about ending their shitty marriage because of the newfound independence they may gain from reality TV you might want to think twice. Who knows how long Gina will last on this show and who knows how long the show will last in general given these last two weak seasons. Their divorce papers were probably drawn up before Bravo even stepped into her life so maybe this will be the Disneyland of divorces, I don’t know and I don’t care but if she is going to star on a reality show about her life can she at least give us the juice about the demise of her marriage so we don’t have to get the tea from Reddit? I understand she doesn’t want to give away the juicy details for the sake of her children but she choose between being a good mother and being a reality star because it’s hard to be both. And as a recommendation, she really needs a language coach because the bitch sounds like she hails from Minnesota, not New York. Maybe her accent got confused in-between switching coasts.
Apart from the constant Gina divorce talk and Vicki acting like a dyke on a bike, there wasn’t much else going on. Kelly visited her daughter’s performing arts class which was probably the high point of this episode. Seeing her giggle in the corner while the kids did weird vocal exercises was easily the best thing we’ve seen from this show in a while, which shows how far this show has fallen. Kelly would’ve been the bitch in high school who bullied the choir kids which isn’t shade because I always liked the cheerleaders on Glee more than the actual glee club. The Little Bitch definitely would’ve been into musical theatre singing show tunes about being a Mormon. Side note: Emily’s confessional look was pretty fucking rough this episode. She was giving me flashbacks to Chandler’s dad on Friends.
Shannon finally sold her fish on QVC which was a great first step to being financially independent especially given the fact she didn’t know you had to pay for water a couple weeks back. QVC is one of the best business ventures a Housewife can have. It’s not risky so you don’t need to invest your own money into a clothing store or restaurant that actually requires people to get up and go there. People from America can buy Shannon’s fish or Lisa Rinna’s dusters from their own couches and if the business doesn’t work out then they don’t lose money out of their own pockets. Smart move Shannon Beador. And to top it off the QVC frozen fish was a massive success on Shannon's behalf which I love. She's one of my all time favourites and I just want her to have everything she wants, even if she had to grab her fat and drop her cue cards in the process.
Tamra and Shannon’s daughter Sophie also accompanied her on the trip to Philadelphia to hawk her frozen fish and I have a newfound love for Shannon’s eldest daughter. She has got it down on how to manipulate having divorced parents to her advantage, getting gifts from your sad dad to try and buy your love is probably the only benefit of having a broken home. Sophie even said after she crashed David’s new Porsche he took her keys away but it wasn’t an issue because she’d just sneak into the house while he was at work and steal the keys back. I’ve never been prouder of a house kid in thirteen years especially since she is David Beador’s daughter because I am here for anybody and everybody trying to fuck with him. Let’s hope his new maybe fiance/maybe baby mama is actually a Russian spy sent to fuck up his life because that would be the best plot twist we’ve seen yet and definitely some well-deserved karma on David Beador and his beady eyes behalf.
The leftover girls also had a viewing party for Shannon’s debut on QVC but all we really learned was that Kelly once walked in on her dad eating her mom out and that QVC didn’t want Vicki Gunvalson buying any of Shannon Beador’s product which was amazing because someone needs to put Vicki in her face and it may as well be a home shopping network. The girls also decided to go on a trip to celebrate Shannon selling frozen fish. Has Bravo really run out of ideas that this is the idea of the annual trip? I'm down for them to have some drunken fights in the sun but they really need to step up their excuses game.
The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!