Shade of the Week: Mike Shouhed

September 26, 2018

Is it a requisite to be a cheater if you are joining Shahs Of Sunset? 

 

When Mike first joined the show he was the voice of reason in a group of girls and a gay guy. He was the masculine energy the show needed and actually provided everyone with a level headed perspective in a Botox free face and provided some logic in a group that was more fucked up than the inside of a pornstar‘s vagina, but times have changed and they haven’t exactly been in his favour. From the first pool party we knew Mike had asshole-like tendencies with his superficial standards of women after seeing his toothpick girlfriend jump around in the pool with her floating titties but it wasn’t until he got married that his true cuntish ways fully came out. 

 

The Jessica problem is embedded in the history of Shahs and while she was more annoying than a talkative vegan the way Mike handled the entire situation sucked. Mr Shouhed likes his women like he likes his dogs, he wants them to come when he calls and follow him around until he’s ready to seek some extracurricular pus. When he didn’t “allow” her to attend the season four reunion, which was really a diss to the makeup artist who spent hours getting her ready, he didn’t want her to hear the receipts all his cast members had on him, which ultimately turned out to be true. Mike probably cheated all the way throughout the relationship but Jessica was committed to get a ring on her finger so she could have a Persian wedding and commit herself to a life of serving Mike ghormeh sabzi, taking their dogs for walks and sucking his dool.

 

The biggest disappoint of their marriage was that Mike transitioned from the voice of a reason to a cheating asshole with no moral compass and became a proven liar through the entire Golnesa “You Tried To Fuck Me in Turkey” mishegas. From the shock horror on Jessica’s face after the reveal, you could tell she knew every single word GG said was true but she kept her head down and her ass up because she needed that ring and ignored all the DMs from countless hoes who had stories about Mike’s travelling dool. It was a fall from grace and while he may have somehow crawled his way back into the group, he’s had a massive DOUCHEBAG label stamped on his forehead ever since. 

 

Mike acts like he’s still living in Iran with the old fashioned way in which we wants his women to live and be subservient to his dool which is outdated and fucking irritating to keep watching season after season. His latest five head of a girlfriend is slowly but surely becoming Jessica 2.0, it starts off with making Persian food and ends with converting in order to lock down Mike’s reality TV coin. He obviously doesn’t want her to join him in Vegas because he wants to get shit faced and eat Jell-O shots out of big Kardashian asses and unlike most of Mike’s life decisions, I actually agree.

 

The cast trips should be between the core squad, we don’t need Adam’s boring ass and Mike’s non event if a girlfriend showing up to make it a couples trip. Fuck that. And for the record, no one should introduce their girlfriend of two and a half weeks to their parents, it’s fucking weird and Sue doesn’t need to waste an evening and a good Persian spread on a girl who doesn’t eat and is going to be in his life for as long as the milk in her fridge. His presence on this show is like everyone’s rapey uncle who’s stayed around for way too long after the party is over, I don’t think he should leave the show because he is an OG and an important part of the lineup, but the Mike scenes are definitely the toughest to sit through. 

 

Aside from his cheating ways and misogynist mentality his shitty makeup skills and Botox addiction are probably the worst parts of his personality. When Shahs started he was a fresh faced stud who could get it, but now he officially looks like an over the hill reality star who’s slowly transitioning into a Persian Joan Rivers. If the zero movement between his severely scalped eyebrows isn’t enough, his caked on foundation that he’s borrowing from his five head of a girlfriend is truly offensive. Its like someone spilt a makeup pallet on his face and then walked on top of it so it was embedded in his pours because he got an orange spray tan from his uncle behind a gas station.

 

Mike is trying way too hard to stay attractive in his old age of forty and if he had just let himself grow up without injections and Kim Kardashian West makeup tutorials then he would look like a handsome natural stud and not a possibly lesbian Persian with his leather jackets, bad makeup and man boobs. Forget the makeup, those droopy man boobs with the salami nipples may be the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen and that includes a squirting complication on Pornhub. 

 

Although I’ve being shitting on everything Mike has done from around season four onwards, the one thing I agree with is his latest social media beef with the anaemic cast member, Nema. I’m not totally sure why they are fighting and their constant digs at each other are pettier than two school girls fighting over a jumbo tampon but anyone who can put Nema in his place is good in my book. He’s so redundant and boring I would’ve made him his own Shade of the Week but he’s only notability is being inside Golnesa’s rectum and he’s not memorable enough for people to take time out of their day just to read about someone who looks like a middle aged twink. Surely if he comes back next season his storyline HAS to be that he’s a late in life gay because not only would they be entertaining as fuck but it’s the only logical route after Locknessa will be done with him. 

 

Mike is officially the shell of a man he used to be. He’s sneaky, he’s shady and he tries to present himself as a faithful relationship man in front of Bravo cameras when we all know he is a total man whore who will eat any and all THOTs assholes in a one mile radius of wherever he is. Mike used to be my #1 guy on Bravo but due to his fake personality, makeup and man titties Shervin has officially snatched that position. He may be a cheater but at least he doesn’t look like a Sephora regular. 

 

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