RHOD Recap: Brandiland Bitches

September 27, 2018

Dallas has slowly but surely become my second favourite Housewives franchise behind New York and while this season has been entertaining, we are seven episodes in and I'm still waiting for things to heat up. Everyone is playing nice and not sharing their true opinions of each other which is a vital part of the Housewives puzzle. Obviously, we know things heat up from the trailer which I am more than ready for and the producers have set up the season perfectly with the D'Andra, Brandi and LeeAnne threesome of fuckery but until the two biggest power players of the city Brandi and LeeAnne end their Cold War and get back to their shit throwing ways (literally if you watched season one) the show is going to remain lukewarm. 

 

I am obsessed with LeeAnne's dress you can wear 185 ways, she needs to get her little carny ass on QVC and start selling them like Lisa Rinna pushes her dusters because THAT is a product home shoppers are looking for. It's a smart business idea and as long as LeeAnne didn't contribute money from her own pocket into it, then it should be a profitable one too. As much as I loved every look, it was definitely giving me Cruella de Vil vibes, all LeeAnne needed was a puppy coat and a bad attitude and she could've given us iconic Disney villain chic, but PETA and Sparkle Dog food may not be too happy. LeeAnne should make sound kind of business based around her hands if she really wants to be successful. This season has a lot of plotting and scheming, LeeAnne and Kameron think Cary is two faced, Cary and Brandi think Kameron doesn't have her own brain and everything is just a product of the indirect Cold War that is Brandi and LeeAnne's relationship. 

 

If you examine every RHOD feud, all beefs ALWAYS lead back to the Mouth of the South and the resident redhead by supporting opposing parties in different feuds to try and get at and blame the other person for it. They are both vying for D'Andra's attention like she's their pimp but are only passive aggressively fighting for D'Andra as a fuck you to each other. Brandi doesn't give a fuck if Kameron has a bird brain or not, but she of course feels the need to link it back to LeeAnne as another pawn in her chess game against her and Cary is just a ping pong ball going back and forth telling everyone the shit that's being said. If this was real life I would be pissed at Cary going around with her wooden spoon and stirring the shit around like a witches brew but I support it for reality TV purposes. 

 

Although this season has been a slow burn it's ultimately being set up as a war between the two respective queens and I just can't wait for LeeAnne to ditch that fucking bowl and start swinging Brandi around by her red weave carny style. These bitches do not like each other, but I think Brandi is definitely more active in her hatred than LeeAnne is, which isn’t smart because Mrs Locken is the ONE Housewife I wouldn’t want to fuck with. Have you seen her hands?

 

Instead of making us sit through another tough scene of her red headed nightmares running around, Brandi decided to create her own clothing line. Have I been living under a rock or is this the first time we've ever heard of this made up Housewives brand? Housewives clothing lines can be a hit or miss and normally disappear months after they are made (RIP The Countess Collection) but I actually really like Brandi's beachy lounge wear. The green palm dress Kameron wore is my aesthetic, literally she matches the throw pillow on my bed and I'm obsessed. The smartest Housewives careers are when they are funded by a big company (QVC) and are easily consumed by the fans (Skinnygirl) because I don't know if anyone is rushing to buy Kenya Moore Haircare or Ramona's latest faux skincare line but I hope Brandi’s line is a success. Instead of the party being about Brandi's fashions, it naturally turned into a shit show. 

 

Kameron, who has officially become the Dorito Kemsley of this franchise, is mad at Cary for playing both sides of the fence. Why is this an issue now? I'm confused and I spent most of the scene comparing Big Bird to my pillow. As annoying and yawn inducing Kam is, I am starting to understand her. She takes herself WAAYY too seriously but seeing her badger the rest of the bitches on this show and get mad at Cary for waving her finger is comedic gold at her best. She's like Charlotte York if someone poured peroxide on her and dressed her in flammable Barbie outfits. Instead of both girls just putting their non-issue to the side, somehow Stephanie got sucked into the argument which was not necessary, but this entire fight was as necessary as small children on this show: not at all. In the end they ended up resolving the non-issue and I don't even have a snarky opinion to give on it, it was dumber than Kameron's IQ. 

 

In order to make up with Kam, Cary claimed she got Brandi to reframe from having a dildo 2.0 moment when she wanted to give Kameron stressticles in Beaver Creek. Stop everything. Where and how do I get those fake balls? When that little nugget of information went back to Brandi she got emotional that Cary claimed she got her to keep her stressticles in her bag when she made the conscious decision herself. Yep ladies and gentlemen, she cried about stressticles. Sure, it may have been a reaction from her exhaustion but I think it's a Housewives first that we've ever seen a Housewife cry over fake balls. Only in Dallas. Cary and Brandi ended up making up which Brandi used to plant seeds in Cary's head that Kam is controlled by LeeAnne. Just another battle in the war. I still can’t get over actual tears rolling down her face about a fake ball. I would semi understand if they were real but nope, they were fake.

 

While Kam got triggered by a finger wave, LeeAnne cried to D'Andra for saying she had $200 in her bank account. I believe LeeAnne and due to her upbringing I think she tries to search for love in any and all avenues she can find it in, which is why she gets so devastated when her relationships don't work out (See: Brandi last season) and always wants to save her friendships. I thought LeeAnne crying and apologising would make the two besties move forward but instead D'Andra sat in her confessionals and claimed they were crocodile tears.

 

LeeAnne just can't win. If LeeAnne was a good enough actress to cry on cue I'm sure she would've amounted to more than a statue of liberty in the background of Miss Congeniality. I'm starting to sway onto LeeAnne's side in this beef because I just feel for her. We have ALL been LeeAnne. We've all had a friend who's ditched us for someone who doesn't like us and I feel bad. LEAVE LEEANNE ALONE! Apart from talking about her finances I'm not sure what LeeAnne has done to D'Andra and there definitely is some behind the scenes tea we aren't hearing about.

 

To end the episode Stephanie threw a spa party in her bathroom which was what dreams are made of. Stephanie and her husband have fuck you money and I am here for it. Who spends $40K on a steam shower and another $60K on an automatic shutter in your bathroom? Stephanie Hollman does. I vaguely recall him inventing lockers or something? I'm not sure but if I need to hawk lockers in order to have an actual spa in my house then I'll do it. Like most Housewives spa parties it was pretty boring but the eye candy of buff guys in togas was a nice touch. Smart thinking Steph, she’s not just a pretty face. Some Twink also brought his kangaroo along, which isn't a euphemism, he literally showed up with a baby kangaroo that jumped around with it's own sound effects. I love the campy fun of this show but I’m ready for LeeAnne and her anger issues to come out in full effect.

 

The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the lone star ladies.

 

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