As you all know I took last week off because I was a tired mother fucker and if there was one week to stop recapping it shouldn’t have been that one. In true Married To Medicine fashion, the ladies had an epic fight in Heavenly’s driveway while they chewed on some crabs that had previously fallen on the floor. It’s the budget Bravo show which it’s so real and organic. I’d rather watch these bitches and their driveway fights than Beverly Hills Housewives flying all over the world and fighting about wine glasses.
We picked up after all the women had blown up on Quad who was reapplying her eyelash in Heavenly’s makeup room while the host was fighting with Mariah on her porch for accusing Daddy of cheating. I love a good hood moment and this was definitely one of those, the Atlanta Housewives WISH they could deliver this level of substance. As far as the Quad vs Everyone Else beef goes, I’m everyone else. She shut them out during a hard time and picks and chooses when she wants them to support her, I understand that’s her coping mechanism but am I the only one reading between this reality TV lines?
Quad isn’t confiding in them because she wasn’t ready to talk about Mr G’s pinky dick cheating scandal on TV and the girls are mad at her because they share EVERYTHING about their lives on camera while Quad had an entire cheating and extortion storyline up her arm last season and didn’t say zip while Curtis’ cheating was the main focus. I would be pissed too. I wish these reality shows would break the wall and make everything that bit more real. We know they are being filmed, we know there are producers so it would be good to incorporate that in to make it 100% authentic. Somehow the crab bake ended on a somewhat good note which was surprising given the fact Quad was crying in the bathroom with her loose eyelash only five minutes prior while Mariah was being tossed out like Cardi B at the Met Gala.
Heavenly is still seeing her anger management coach who sees his clients inside that rented mansion and of course traced her problems with Mariah to her childhood trauma. Does Heavenly really need to pay this guy $400 an hour when the producer who whispered that in his ear three seconds before the camera started rolling couldn’t tell her the same thing? Apparently, Mariah reminds Heavenly of her sister which is why they butt heads and throw shade about each other’s husbands and mamas. In reality TV speak this immediately translated into Heavenly having to take a trip to Miami to heal her old family wounds.
No therapist would actually offer this advice to anyone who wasn't on a reality show, who can take three days off work to travel across the country just to heal an old wound that could be done with Heavenly’s coffee cup? This was a smart idea for a trip on the producers part and I’m excited to see the ladies take Miami, at least Bravo is finally trying to make their vacation ideas seem a little more authentic.
Dr Jackie decided it was time to annoy us with her annual Fit Is The New It day. Just like Gretchen Weiner’s with fetch, FITNI is never going to happen for Jackie. I think Curtis’ cheating was a solitary incident but I just can’t respect him the same way I did before he stuck his BBC into a young THOT that was looking for a check. He has this smugness about him from how he managed to cheat on his wife and come out the other side with her still there and the way he defends the other men fucking repulses me. Curtis with his mole and flowers are just an instant eye roll.
Jackie may be loving the Louis and Chanel Curtis is giving her but every time she catches herself in the mirror wearing one of those bags it’s going to be a constant reminder about her husbands cheating ways. Jackie is never going to be over this cheating scandal, she’s going to be 85 with a cane catching babies and still give Curtis side-eye when he says he wasn’t at last year’s FITNI or pauses before he answers a question. If Shannon Beador, Luann de Lesseps and Sammi Sweetheart have thought us anything it’s that cheaters will never change and it’s better to throw them out like the bag of trash that metophorical Dr G wouldn’t take out last year.
At the annual FITNI day, Jackie made everyone play dodgeball, which was tough to watch because you guys know how I feel about watching physical exercise on reality shows. The OB/GYN (and the producers) decided to be slick and force all the ladies who weren’t getting along to work together, which meant it was Simone and Quad, Heavenly and Mariah, and CONE-tessa and Toya all working together. Everyone mostly got along aside from the shade in their confessionals. Mariah and Heavenly's beef annoys me. If Mariah has receipts on Daddy's philandering ways then fucking show us. Give us the screenshots, the street tea you've heard of even the literal hotel receipts. Give us something Mariah ,instead of holding it over her head and making everything think you know something. If you have the invoices then publish them for the world to see because otherwise it just proves the dentist's point that you are a liar. But these two KNOW how to throw shade between each other like no one else can.
The Toya and CONE-tessa dispute is easily the dumbest of them all. Tacky T got mad when Cone didn't attend her party and didn't let her know advance. Yes, that's petty but can't Cone just send a quick text through? Her dad was sleeping her phone wasn't broken. Speaking of the dad, he has cancer. I guess? The way he told his daughter he had cancer and the way she reacted was like he told her he likes milk or likes to wear women's underwear. Anticlimatic. CONE-tessa reacts like she's at an inner city improv class, he daughter nearly choked on a piece of sushi and then they sat down and continued to eat the raw fish. I'm confused how Cone managed to make it into her second season considering all she did was complain about working last season only to come back this season and go back to work. The only thing I hate more than rapists and mushrooms are reality star's who can't commit to their storylines. If you are going to make us watch you make dumb mistakes then at least sit in the stupidity.
While CONE-tessa may be a stale piece of bread, I agree with her that her feud with Tacky T is bullshit. She apologised so can't they just move on. Nope. Toya is still holding resentment over Cone dissing her debt party last year, which was probably the real reason she reacted that way about Cone not attending her latest party, it's all about reading through the reality TV lines people. Instead of apologising once again to end the beef and move on, CONE-tessa came into the situation with a new weave and a new attitude. She was condescending towards Toya telling she likes drama with her military flashback stories while she ordered food like she was important or something. This is what I call Lisa Nicole disorder. It's when you enter a show boring as fuck and return for season two with a makeover and a superior attitude just because you got a few more Instagram followers and you need to start some drama to remain relevant on the show to keep selling your Flat Tummy Tea on Instagram.
CONE-tessa thought she was *the* shit when she sat down with Toya which was not a good look because it made me dislike Cone and her new wig even more. She is not a queen, she is G.I. Jane who needs to stay in her place and keep very much to herself because no one is checking for CONE-tessa and nobody would remember her name if we didn't have the opening credits to remind us. I like my reality stars the same way I like my breasts, real, and CONE-tessa's superior wannabe HBIC attitude is not real, it's all an act to make us think she's not to be messed with. She told Toya she loves drama but if that were true CONE-tessa would have apologised to shut the subject down and let the drama subside, instead, she attempted to stage a walk off and was a condescending bitch because she needs the drama to stay relevant on the show. Normally, I wouldn't care this much about Cone but I'm a tired motherfucker and seeing her think she was "cool" really pissed me off more than Curtis and his mole.
Married To Medicine airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these medicial miracles!