This episode wasn't the best we've seen from the Dallas ladies but it definitely sets everything up for the rest of the season with this Brandi/LeeAnne/D'Andra friendship. For some reason, Cary and Stephanie were allowed to take family trips while they were filming a reality show, so that just left us with LeeAnne, Brandi, D'Andra, Kameron and some random mute bitch named Joyce who had the personality of an apple.
I've said it about OC and now I'm saying it about Dallas. No one wants to see little kids on TV. I don't care about their names, I don't care about your struggle between motherhood and work, I don't care about seeing them cry or be mean to you in front of the cameras. I don't know if I have ever cared less about anything and I can't even find a fuck to give. People without children don't want to see them on TV and mothers with children want a break from poo/crying/tantrums and don't want to be reminded of their own lives through a reality show. Bravo either needs to hire women who have no kids or at least teenagers, because they are the ones who provide us with the juicy adolescent drama, or make the moms with young kids hire a fucking nanny.
This week we were blessed to watch not one but two scenes about annoying little kids running around. Brandi's kids starting with B are so annoying I tuned out during that part of the episode and had to do what I normally reserve for bad sex: planning what to have for dinner. I don't care if Brandi has a nanny or not she gets no brownie points from me and if I have to see those redheaded nightmares run around and wreak havoc on TV one more time I'm going to become a heroin addict. There's no other way to deal with the pain. Kameron also showed off her kids who helped her build something for her dog food expo. Is she still trying to push this pink dog food idea? Her daughter called it dumb and although I thought the exact same thing during last season, her child being a cunt to her actually made me soften my attitude towards her. Did I just call a child a cunt? Yes. Do I give a fuck? Not one. Zero. Zero. Zero. Done. (If you don't understand that reference then you can stop reading this recap now.)
While Brandi and Kam chased their kids around, LeeAnne was busy having one of the most confusing dinners I think I've ever watched unfold, and that includes watching a deaf and a blind person having a conversation. By their own admissions LeeAnne, Rich and his eye patch all want to get married but haven't set a date. I don't understand what the hold up is. Bad communication, I guess? He wouldn't have proposed if he didn't want to get married but is marriage really going to change their relationship that much? If they've been together for nine years and have no intention to break up, then I don't think it matters if they decide to get married or not. I am a die-hard LeeAnne Locken supporter every day of the week so I'd loved to see her have her fairytale Bravo wedding but it's not on my Instagram vision board.
In the end Rich re-proposed and LeeAnne accepted so I guess she's going to be a bride sometime in the future. I guess. Rich and LeeAnne are such a cute couple and if they walk down the aisle or not I couldn't care less, as long as they are just happy. Unlike D'Andra I don't have any opinion on this issue whatsoever maybe it's because I'm tired or maybe it's because it seems like a non-issue either way. I get that Miss Simmons is concerned for her friend but the bitchy confessionals are only foreshadowing the demise of their friendship and I am not ready for it to happen.
For D'Andra's birthday, Brandi decided to take the crew to the rodeo. I guess the producers made a list of the most stereotypical Texas things to do and pulled this one out of a hat and instead of D'Andra's birthday it was all about LeeAnne and Brandi's passive aggressive fight over the birthday girl. The redhead brought her beer bong out and the Dallas socialite D'Andra Simmons was downing alcohol like there was no tomorrow or as if she was about to see Mama Dee in three minutes. The bonding between Brandi and D'Andra sent off alarm bells for LeeAnne who had just gotten over her arch nemesis fucking her over after they seemed to be friends all season, so she stepped up to the plate, gave it a good Texas go and used the beer bong, but not everyone can swallow like Brandi.
After beer bong, the girls rode a mechanical bull and those double entendres wrote themselves. Rich, Jeremy and Brandi's husband (I can't remember his name but I know he has red hair) are all lucky men because their women were riding that bull like they were riding them, but now I understand why Kameron's little husband always looks at her with such disdain, because if that bull is any indication of their sex life then Court must get more action from his hand than his wife's vagina, but what do you expect from a man named Court. Maybe he needs to hang out at the Roundup. The ladies also watched the rodeo and I don't get the point of seeing a bull jump around like the floor is on fire but I feel like beer and the atmosphere would make it may more enjoyable than watching it on TV.
Finally, after their day they went to a bar, followed traditional Housewives protocol and got shit faced. I'm really proud of these Dallas girls this season because they are taking their drinks back like I've never seen. I love Housewives who drink to get drunk. Kameron and D'Andra talked about how they can't be drunk messes because they are in Dallas society and are watched carefully. Are they the Kennedys of Dallas? D'Andra said she wants to change her ways and be her true self but I don't think her true self is a Brandi Redmond enthusiastic who gets drunk unless she's been hiding her down very deep. Naturally, Brandi and LeeAnne had a fight about who D'Andra should be and it had everything to do with their fractured relationship and nothing to do with if D'Andra should be a socialite or not.
Brandi and LeeAnne are competing in a game of tug of war for D'Andra and although our old friends always tend to know us best, when a new shiny object comes along we get distracted and chase it, and that is exactly what is happening with this friendship. However, instead of each girl grabbing on and pulling D'Andra like a piece of rope, they used a more psychological approach with fancy gifts and straddling to try and prove they are better friends and all it did was give me PTSD of my parents divorce. Right now D'Andra is the product of divorced children and they are doing anything they can to try and get custody.
The LeeAnne and Brandi split confuses me. The only thing LeeAnne did was jokingly threaten to slit her throat, and yes maybe LeeAnne needs to find new ways to talk to her friends but if your friends have never threatened to jokingly kill you then you are either a liar or a Mormon. After the threat, Brandi turned on LeeAnne faster than Kameron fell off that mechanical bull and decided to hate her. If anyone should be mad it's LeeAnne. Maybe Brandi thinks D'Andra is a cool girl and wants to be her friend but she's no idiot, she minds fucks LeeAnne by hanging out with her BFF and is using it as another avenue to get at the girl who's been her enemy since day one. Every time she laughs or drinks with D'Andra she knows it is another knife in LeeAnne's heart.
Drunk D'Andra also opened her mouth and told Brandi, LeeAnne thought she was using their new friendship to try and get at her, which was exactly what she was doing, but why did D'Andra need to bring that bone back? Although the two OGs were good we all knew it wasn't going to last long and even if it did LeeAnne was proceeding with caution. If your dog bites your arm off, you can forgive the dog but that doesn't mean you'll be playing with it again and LeeAnne definitely wasn't game enough to put any of her limbs around this bitch. Maybe I'm biased but there's definitely come calculation on Brandi's part and that's why LeeAnne and her exhausted weave and/or panty liner are playing right into the drama.
The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the lone star ladies.