RHOC Recap: The Little Bitch

September 11, 2018

For some reason, Vicki's birthday party is still going on but the producers decided to lump Shannon into it as well. Last year Shannon spent her birthday being passive-aggressively abused by her ex-husband and his beady eyes and this year she spent it storming off from the table. How does Shannon still manage to have conflict on the one day of the year where she's supposed to be happy? Tamra was obviously taking her anger out on Shannon because she was fed up with her selfish friendship skills and it had nothing to do with Emily's husband. Tamra would care about her used tampon more than Shannon calling the Mormon abusive.

 

The late in life Christian turned bodybuilder's husband can’t walk up stairs without potentially having a stroke but Shannon calls her 50 times a day about paying for water and crying about David. It would be maddening if your friend couldn’t even acknowledge or talk to you about your problems because they are so wrapped up in their own and I'm not surprised she finally had enough. It's like she was emotionally constipated and finally took a shit all over Shannon's lunch. As much as I'm #TeamTamra on this issue, watching Shannon have a breakdown, storming off and crying in the bathroom never fails to entertain and Miss Beador's mental health is an integral part of this show's success. 

 

After Shannon and Tamra bitched to their respective cast members about each other, they came together wearing the EXACT same clothing with matching scooters because Shannon hurt her ankle as well. What the fuck is with this cast and injuries and how was Shannon able to find her own scooter hours after her accident AND where does one buy one of those scooters? Cripples 'R Us? Oh, that's right, they shut down. During the meeting, Tamra expressed her emotions in a way that didn't make Shannon storm out screaming "IM FUCKING DONE" and they were able to have a conversation which wasn't all about David Beador. These two are ride or die friends but only time will tell if Shannon actually manages to be a good friend. I don't think she's doing being an asshole on purpose, I just think she doesn't have the ability to think of others because her own life is so crazy. 

 

Following the weird drama between Tamra and Shannon, Steve turned up to wish his girlfriend a happy birthday at golf and Tamra drunkenly asked him why he can't marry Vicki. Holy fuck. I don't know if we've ever met a blander human being on reality TV than Steve Lodge, he's like a stale piece of celery and that wedding does not need to happen. A piece of paper isn't going to change their relationship but I think that's what Vicki is counting on because her love tank isn't all the way full with Steve. It might be half full but she is settling for him big time. 

 

I don’t want to see old people get married on TV. Yeah, they may sound controversial and ageist but seeing Vicki Gunvalson and her latest face walk down a beach in an ill-fitting wedding dress is not something any of us need to see. Tamra got away with it because she works out almost as much as she plays a game of telephone and had a true fairytale with Eddie but Vicki is lucky she found anyone with a brain who was willing to be seen with her following Brooks, so she needs to sit down and be grateful that Steve Lodge is still here. Also, what is the need to be married? For what? Vicki’s had two failed marriages where she got screwed with spousal support both times and dated a guy who had the nerve to fake cancer on national TV after she had paid for his new teeth. I don't see the appeal on her end. 

 

Can we implement a rule that we no longer see small children on Bravo? Either hire Housewives without small kids or at least force them to put them in a closet with a popsicle and an iPad when the cameras are around. I love the juicy backstories of the new girls but I’m over the kid bullshit.

 

Gina invited Vicki over for dinner with her three children which was the most inauthentic scene ever. Are we supposed to believe Vicki would have a 33-year-old friend with three kids that she regularly eats dinner with? No. Gina is literally Vicki's daughter's age and freakishly looks like Briana too so this friendship is faker than most of the ladies tits on this show. Gina's kids are annoying and it's hard to sit through, NO ONE wants to watch little kids running around. People without kids don't want to watch it and people with kids want an escape so they don't have to sit through an hour of hearing kids that aren't their own cry. Enough Bravo! 

 

Gina's marriage with her phantom husband is obviously struggling because he spends all week inside other women in his LA apartment while her kids hit her on the head and run wild. I'm sure she's a great mom and we see 8.5 seconds of her life with her children but this arrangement was a dumb decision from the moment we heard about it and I don't think it's a surprise to anyone they are divorcing. Not to sound like a dick, but I don't care about this divorce. We've never met the guy, we don't know their relationship and all we know about Gina is that she's from New York and looks like Briana so there's no reason to feel any kind of way about this split. Much like the riddle if a tree falls in the woods and no ones there to hear it does it make a sound, if a couple get a divorce on reality TV but we've never met the husband, should we give a fuck?

 

In honour of Eddie's heart problems Tamra threw a Red Party and ordered all her guests to wear red, at least one Housewife picked a colour other than white to form her party around. Eddie wanted to invite David Beador which is understandable because they are friends, but if he's your friends hang out with him at a bar, not at a party which will be filmed for TV where his ex-wife who he's in a bitter divorce battle with will also be in attendance. I'm kind of bummed we didn't get to see that mess play out because Beady Eyes was uninvited but Shannon was able to at least have one good night, even if she wore one heel with her scooter.

 

It may have been Eddie's party and he got some attention in his heart suit and those very flamboyant (?) headshots but this was basically Kelly Dodd's party, she is the MVP of this cast and definitely a Housewives All-Star for the ages. She was pissed at Steve Lodge after the stale celery stick of a man talked shit to Page Six about her (and he even commented on our post about the drama) so she wanted to confront him. Shannon tried to coach Kelly on how to bring up the issue without getting too crazy and confrontational which is like the blind leading the blind. Helen Keller may as well be teaching Stevie Wonder about colour.

 

Surprisingly Kelly actually took the information on board and spoke to Steve in a mature way without getting in his face, calling him ugly or a cunt, so that's a good step forward. Instead of apologising, explaining the situation or having an actual conversation with Kelly, Steve acted like an asshole and ran inside to Vicki without even discussing it. He was the one in the wrong by talking to the press and couldn't even own his behaviour. Now I 100% understand why he is dating Victoria Gunvalson. I change my mind, they should get married because he is just as annoying and unaccountable as his girlfriend.

 

Just when the situation was over, a little man started defending Steve Lodge to Kelly, knowing nothing of the situation and called her drunk. Um. Excuse Me. Has this little man never seen Bravo? Why is he even opening his mouth? Kelly called the little boy a dork only to discover he was Emily's husband who had previously kicked Gina out of his house, so the little man has a pattern with being a cunt to his wife's new costars. 

 

While Kelly called him out by stating "you're a little bitch dude," which I need as my text tone this instant, the Mormon continued to whisper in the corner about her with his "dry sense of humour" which is just his excuse for being an asshole, he may not be abusive but he is boring as fuck. Suddenly when Emily heard Kelly call her husband a little bitch, the Hulk took over her body and was pushing through people to try and get to Kelly like she was Godzilla. I don't know what it is about Kelly but she has the ability to make people threaten to kill her with a deep voice like the Hulk or Luann de Lesseps. See: Tamra in Ireland. I respect Emily for sticking up for her husband and delivering her only significant contribution to the show so far but her husband was a little bitch and I'm 10000% #TeamKelly.

 

Along with caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, porn and fun, Mormons must also be prohibited from cable TV because if Shane had access to cable then he would know you do not fuck with Kelly Dodd unless you want to be embarrassed in front of an entire party and TV cameras. After the blowup I channelled my inner Carrie Bradshaw and I couldn't help but wonder, can Kelly Dodd go one season without someone threatening to kill her? 

 

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!

 

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