By Danielle Levy
We start off episode 4 with (eye roll) Jen in her “The Struggle is Real” tank top at the tail end of a real-life meltdown. This bitch may be certifiable, but can we give her some credit for at least dressing the part? The girl made sure to plan out her most emo outfit for this event but couldn’t even arrange a damn babysitter. Priorities. I love how Ron said he thinks him and Jen will be fighting “until they’re 65 years old.” I guess he’s shortening his own life expectancy in the (very probable) instance he gets murdered by this woman in his sleep. She's already dragged him with her car so it seems like the logical next step.
Meanwhile, the roommates are at dinner where it takes them exactly 1 glass of wine to get drunk and laugh about buttholes. This is the same crew that used to go to Karma, smack their hands on the floor like gorillas, and body slam strangers onto the boardwalk for talking shit on their way home at 6 am. How times have changed. And is it just me or is Pauly D strangely profound this season? He hits the nail on the head every. single. time. The Ron & Sam drama WAS funny (“Rahn, you made fun of my big toe. That’s not a joke, it’s serious issues”) but the Ron & Jen drama?! DARK. Can someone at least get Ron a People’s Choice Award or a cookie or SOMETHING for serving enough drama to span across a 9-year reality TV stint? Seriously.. no one else’s life is more convoluted. (LiLo and Charlie Sheen excluded)
We’re told via a sequence of Law & Order-type paragraphs that Jen kicked the shit out of Ron, fled, and is on the run from the police. Does this girl not realize the entire country now knows what she looks like? Good luck running, sweetie. The roomies then attempt to have the police do a “wellness check” at Jen’s house (aka find & arrest her— savages) while they wait nearby to scoop that lil baby meatball post-arrest. Good plan, but can always count on the crew to interrupt a covert op with a fast food stop while Pauly D questions the status of his unpaid parking tickets (valid). We find out the baby’s ok and that a warrant is NOT, in fact, out for Jen’s arrest, but the look on Ron’s face when he finds out she’s still on the loose after he just tried to send her to the slammer is SHEER. TERROR. All I know is this show transitioned from an innocent period shart in the back seat of a car to some sort of Jersey Shore/SWAT crossover REAL quick. A crossover we never knew we needed.
What some might consider a pretty dramatic day is just another day in the life of Ron, so obvs he can pull it together for a little dinner and zip line with the roomies.
Can we all agree the best part of every episode is seeing what the Sitch is gonna order for dinner while the worst part is that it reminds us all we could never eat that way without gaining so much weight we wouldn’t be able to see our own ankles in the shower? But I digress. They zip line across the strip and Rahn is able to forget about his baby mama drama for about 15 minutes. Life is good. Back at the house we get introduced to the idea of a Pauly D/Vinny wedding in Vegas and I know everyone’s laughing and all but I’ve seriously never seen two people love each other/get along better in my life and I bet they’d do better than Britney and K. Fed so that’s something I’d like to see. Although a trained monkey or even Ron could do better than Brit and K Fed at this point.
We then head back to good old’ Staten Island where we’re forced to pretend Angelina was invited to Vegas by Nicole (cough, producers) and that this really took Jenni and the roommates by surprise. Um, HELLO!! Are we also supposed to ignore that Angelina’s botox has completely disabled the motion in one of her eyebrows? And that her boyfriend (fiancé? even worse) is actually encouraging her to take her frustrations out on Jenni upon arriving in Vegas? Has this guy never seen an episode?!! If you listen closey enough you can still hear the distant chanting of "Stay and get ya ass beat, stay and get ya ass beat."
Once the Hamster/Staten Island Dump/Staten Island Ferry docks in Sin City, she’s trying so hard to fit in I’m afraid her immobile brow will fall right off. Lucky for MTV, the girl has zero shame, less self-awareness, and even less money in the bank, which equals guaranteed public humiliation whenever summoned. She arrives and states she’s “starting to feel like she’s a big joke”— starting to?! STARTING TO?!!! Gotta hand it to her, she must have a large threshold for this shit because it’s impressive to be a joke for almost a decade and not know it. While they usually ease Ang into all the bullshit, they didn’t waste any time here. I have to admit I’d be pissed too if I showed up in Vegas having to ask the front desk clerk to search for a reservation under the name “Mike the Situation” or “DJ Pauly D” AND miss brunch while producers point and laugh with the room key in their pockets.
Ang, Ang, Ang. 4-for-4 in returning as America’s unwanted houseguest/rubbing everybody the wrong way within the first 7 minutes. The cast would LITERALLY rather have brunch with a can of hairspray than with her. We end the episode with Angelina slapping Vin in the face (par for the course) and ASKING JENNI TO MAKE HER A DRINK. I REPEAT. ANGELINA ASKED JENNI TO MAKE HER A DRINK. I can’t tell if she’s the world’s biggest idiot or just has the world’s biggest balls... maybe both? You decide. And grab ya teddy bears/blankies, folks, because this is frightening. I assume none of it goes well since next week’s episode looks as though it could be titled “Headlock in the Strip Club” so be sure to tune in! JWOWW may have two kids but I'm glad she can still get a bitch into a headlock at the club.
Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!