Dallas is my second favourite Housewife city at the moment behind New York but they haven't delivered the big epic fights I was expecting. I know we are only four episodes in and the fights are coming but I'm ready for everyone to drop the act that they are all friends and start speaking their minds. Rich also needs to put LeeAnne's bowl up on a high shelf because I know it's good for her health but as long as the resident carny is on reality TV I don't need her to try to be a better person because her usual self is the sole reason this show is still on the air.
Just to clarify, everybody is in agreement that this baby beef is dumb right? Kameron isn't close friends with either Brandi or Stephanie so she has no reason to have any anger towards them and even Cary was getting annoyed by her need to continue talking about the issue. Brandi adopted a baby and didn't tell anyone, do we really need to make this into a storyline? Brandi and her squinty eyes are still bothering me from how she treated LeeAnne last season so I don't give her a pass on many things but with this adoption issue, I'll let it slide. All the ladies were talking about the Kam drama from the night before which LeeAnne and her bowl weren't privy to. That is exactly the reason we need to throw that bowl out because LeeAnne Locken needs to show these ladies how to create some drama in Dallas because this baby bullshit is just that. Bullshit.
After the ladies mixed alcohol, emotions and maybe Adderall the night before, Brandi, Stephanie and Kameron all made up. Everybody knows Kam is in the wrong and misunderstood Steph. Cary knows it. D'Andra knows it. The sweaty cameraman knows it. The only person who doesn't is Kameron but if she wants to live in her pink bubble with rainbows, unicorns and misunderstandings then let her. Between Kam's condom confessional earrings and this stupid fight somehow LeeAnne managed to be the voice of reason. I don't know how it happened but we've come along way from the days of her throwing glasses around and threatening multiple cast members lives to giving sound advice to the group. It may sound like shade but I have nothing but praise for LeeAnne "They're Just Hands" Locken.
After the group finally started to get along, they went snowmobiling which must've been fun for the Housewives to film but watching as a viewer is less fun than a fat kid eating lettuce. While on a mountain in the middle of Beaver Creek, Brandi and D'Andra decided to talk out their problems. This may be the most uneventful feud in Housewives history, every time they talk about it they just have a passive-aggressive conversation which lands them in an even more confusing spot. However, once D'Andra admitted she had ADD, her and Brandi bonded over it and the resident redhead understood that was why she had a problem with people abusing the drug. This fight and makeup is so dumb that it's funny and may be the most Dallas Housewives situation I've ever seen. For the rest of the trip, they got drunk together and acted like asshole buddies which was good for everyone except for LeeAnne.
Although Miss Locken doesn't care, all roads always seem to lead back to her and I'm positive (especially from next week's preview) that this new friendship is going to be more problematic for this group than a mentally ill sheep. Have you ever tried to farm a mentally ill sheep? This is the Dallas recap after all.
After everyone seemed to get along after a day in the snow the producers edited in a scene of all the ladies fooling around and acting crazy wearing the EXACT same clothes they did the night before. I'm not new to the editing game and I know the ladies wouldn't all have repeated their identical outfits from the previous night because this is the Real Housewives people, they never wear the same thing twice. The next morning we find out through Brandi that LeeAnne and D'Andra started fighting about who was the Queen of the group. Um. Why was this not filmed? I understand there's probably some kind of union rules for the cameramen in Beaver Creek but don't give us footage of Brandi licking D'Andra's toes from the night before when you have two women fighting like idiots. You have ONE job, couldn't the producers whip out an iPhone or something? Come on Bravo you can do better.
After Stephanie left for her Italy trip, Kameron and her condom earrings decided to throw out her itinerary and allow D'Andra and Brandi to go shopping while she and LeeAnne looked like spaghetti on the massage table. I don't know where Cary went but she's kind of the weakest link in the group right now. No shade to her because I've liked Cary more this season than I ever have before but when we have a city full of power players it's easy to take a back seat, especially when last season revolved around her husband potentially getting his dick sucked at The Roundup. Maybe she spent the day checking with Roundup security that her husband wasn't there. I don't know.
D'Andra and Brandi got drunk and went shopping which is a stupid move for their bank accounts but a smart business technique for the cowboy in the store. Their friendship is built on fireball and tequila which is what all friendships should be built on. Fuck trust and love, alcohol is the cornerstone of a true relationship. They will never wear those embroidered hats or boots again but I was glad to see them day drinking because who doesn't love to get drunk in the middle of the day? It's soothing, especially when you're in the snow.
To finish the episode (and the trip) the ladies went out for a buffet dinner and there's honestly nothing better. I'm salivating thinking about it. I was a little surprised at the lack of vagina references this episode due to their geographic location but I guess they ran out of funny euphemisms after their trip to Beaver Liquors. Due to LeeAnne and D'Andra fighting over the Queen position of the group, Brandi decided to run an impromptu beauty pageant by asking about their hands and farts. Although their originial fight was about being the Queen I feel like the more appropriate title should've been Miss Beaver Creek and they can make it an annual thing because I think this Beaver Creek trip should be Dallas' answer to the Berkshires.
Brandi is eternally stuck in middle school and I am here for it. Who wants to grow up and be responsible when you can joke about poop all day? After LeeAnne and D'Andra provided us with some comedic relief things took a dark turn when D'Andra decided to use her pageant question to ask LeeAnne about her wedding. Ugh.
I don't understand why two people would get engaged if the end goal was not marriage but I also don't think they need to sign a piece of paper to make their love official. They've been together for nine years and aren't breaking up anytime soon so why would they need to get married but at the said time why not just get married? I'd love to see LeeAnne walk down the aisle with Rich wearing a potentially bedazzled eye patch at the other side but I don't think it's going to happen and if it does it definitely won't be in this season. Rich was apprehensive to even get engaged so I think he's the one who doesn't want to get married and LeeAnne doesn't want to push it because she still has insecurities that he will leave if she badgers him. I believe that. Whether there's another issue she isn't telling us I don't care because if there's one thing LeeAnne Locken knows how to do it's create Emmy worthy television and I'm sure she'll give us all the tea on her wedding in due time.
However, the real tragedy in this whole situation was that her fake eyelash fell off. Fuck her wedding, that eyelash is LeeAnne's real problem. I think D'Andra is a good friend and was frustrated her friend won't tell her what is happening in her life but I am getting major Mama Dee vibes from how D'Andra was speaking to LeeAnne and handling this situation. No shade to Dee who is the star of the show but children pick up habits from their parents and speaking to people in an aggressive tone without noticing may be the one D'Andra has. Don't get me wrong I'm all for tough love but it definitely seems to be a generational thing. I can feel D'Andra and LeeAnne's friendship coming apart and I am not ready.
You were probably wondering what happened to the pageant after LeeAnne's marriage talk overpowered the conversation, so the gang continued the talent portion the next morning. D'Andra won from dropping something out of her butt crack while LeeAnne performed her own rap. I'm not going to lie it was rough to watch and if it were anyone else I would be cringing big time but I'm a LeeAnne Locken apologist and proud of it. Although D'Andra won the crown of Queen of Dallas I think we can all agree Mama Dee Simmons is the real title holder. No questions asked.
The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the lone star ladies.