Things are starting to heat up in the OC but seven episodes in is way too long for things to just start to be happening. I miss the glory days of Kelly Dodd's voice echoing through the thin walls of a Japanese restaurant as she called Shannon a cunt or Tamra throwing wine in people's faces or Vicki screaming in a tone which only dogs can hear. I even miss Heather, which pains me to say because she was duller than the grey walls in all these women's homes towards the end of tenure on the show. She filled the role of being a fancy bitch who had more money than God and loved to shove it in everyone's faces but now I kind of miss it. RIP Heather. This cast is good but I'm craving some entertainment on this show.
Shannon Storms Beador has a new trainer named Steven and I need them to fuck. Instead of working out in front of people at a gym, she decided to hire a personal trainer to watch her lift weights in her backyard while she rants about her life problems. Whether it's Tamra, a trainer or even a homeless guy who Kelly fed soup too, Shannon always manages to open up about her champagne problems to anyone. My one true hope in this world is that after the cameras went down Steven ran upstairs with Shannon and bent her over her bed faster than Bravo fired #100Housewife because if there's anyone who needs to have an orgasm in this cast, it's Shannon. And what's the point of having a hot trainer if you can't fuck him? It must've been a cold day in the OC because his nipples could cut glass!
Tamra had a different feeling. She was pissed at the Feng Sui queen using gym equipment and trainers who weren't from CUT Fitness, which may sound like Tamra just wants her business promoted on all fronts, however, if your best friend is a plumber and you pay someone else to unclog your toilet, it's a little insulting. Speaking of plumbers, Tamra's mom Sandy is dating a new weed smoking plumber who is yet to unclog the pipes which are not in her kitchen. I have been an OC watcher so long that I remember Tamra trying to set her mom up on a date pre-facelift. How time flies.
I hope she's happy with the plumber because between this cast it seems like the only girls getting dick are Kelly from the milkman and Vicki because she loves sex. As for the others: Gina has a phantom husband, Eddie can't get his heart rate up, Shane is... Shane, and I'm praying for Shannon and Steven. Instead of Tamra finding Shannon a matchmaker she should've just assigned her a CUT trainer. Two birds, one dick.
Due to Shannon's favourite topic of conversation being Shannon, Tamra was feeling annoyed because her friend hadn't asked her one question about her husband who was one flight of stairs away from a stroke. Now, we all have those friends who don't realise they only talk about themselves and never ask you about your day and if they do, they are only thinking of what they are going to say about themselves next, so we can all relate to Tamra's struggle of Shannon not being there for her 100% but we have known her for five years now and her being upset and venting about her problems with David has become as common as chlamydia in under 25s, so Miss CUT either needs to channel her old school wine throwing ways or get used to Shannon being a little selfish.
After Tamra revealed that Shannon didn't know you had to pay for water (what the actual fuck) and Kelly and her daughter fed homeless people, the ladies spent the day golfing for Vicki's birthday. I know she's 56-years-old but really Victoria? Really? The only people who enjoy watching golf are old men and lesbians with free time so I'm not sure why six rich bitches should be subjected to play golf just for Vicki. Who would WANT to spend their birthday struggling to hit balls and being quiet? Steve may be a good influence on Vicki but I'm not liking it, I miss the old Vicki who dropped her lopsided titties down on the table in Ireland. If Steve and his boring ways are going to distract us from that I'd prefer Brooks and his old teeth back any day of the week. Ok, I wouldn't go that far but maybe just on a Friday/Saturday.
During the golf day, the girls got tipsy and started riding around the course, Vicki, Tamra and Gina rolled on the grass feeding each other alcohol while also judging Kelly, Shannon and Emily for speeding (and potentially) drink driving around the course and being too loud. If there are noise restrictions in a place then Housewives do not belong there, especially when it's the OG of the OC's birthday. After Gina participated in a game of telephone and told Emily how Shannon compared her Mormon husband to David, Emily then defended her marriage to Shannon, which is ballsy of the lawyer/party planner to do because Shannon still uses her I hate you-fake "HIIII" face around her. In all the shit talking flashbacks no one has called Shane abusive, however, those were the words Emily used. I don't know if a producer whispered something in her ear or she misunderstood what Gina said but I don't think Emily is starting drama between the ladies and her husband for the sake of starting drama.
In true Housewives fashion, Shannon brought the conversation up at lunch among the group which just caused everyone to pass the blame through the group and no one admitted to using the word abusive, because no one did use it. In this situation surprisingly Vicki came out looking the best because she just wanted her "girlfriends" to get along on her birthday. This is the New Beginnings Ramona Singer style Vicki we need, not girl code violating Gunvalson. This is just a giant confusing game of telephone which I don't understand. Everyone with a vagina on this show talked shit about the Mormon and now they are passing the blame. Gina did the right thing by telling Emily what was being said and is 100% real to us, the viewers, but now she seems like a messy bitch to the other ladies.
Tamra and Shannon also started fighting simultaneously because Shannon said Tamra was the one who brought up Shane so the cripple went in on her for talking about the Mormon, even though they all had. This just seems like pent-up aggression on Tamra's behalf because she was mad at Shannon for not being a good friend beforehand and then got pissed when she tried to blame the Shane shit talking on her. I'm a messy bitch who talks way too much shit and then can't remember the shit that I talked, so I identify with Tamra but this fight was all about her friendship with Shannon and had nothing to do with the Mormon issue at all. Let it be known that no one plays the telephone game better than Tamra Judge, they should really rename it The Tamra Game because without it, most of the drama in this show's history wouldn't have happened. Holy shit, season 9 as a whole wouldn't have occured.
Everyone was as guilty as each other for trash talking Shane, however, it would've looked 100x worse for Tamra who was the only one in the group who had met him and even she wasn't sold on him. He's weird, his sarcasm just seems like he's angry and he's not the whoop-it-up kind of guy but you can't expect much from a Mormon who doesn't drink, gamble, swear or do anything which could actually be fun. In the end, Shannon stormed off from with the table but didn't accompany it with "I'm done! I'm fucking done!" so it wasn't as amazing as her previous walk-offs have been and Tamra remained at the table with her ponytail and Kelly giving zero fucks.
The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!