Remind me again why we should care about a show that was filmed in December when it's almost September? In KUWTK time Khloe hasn't even announced she's pregnant yet which means we are ages away from the Tristan Thompson cheating scandal, which is really the only reason I'm watching this season. The Kardashians must've been thanking their lucky stars that Khloe's baby daddy stuck his BBC in everything that moved while she was heavily pregnant because this season would've been B-O-R-I-N-G without it, however, they're still together so who knows how much the scenes are going to be edited down.
Leading up to the Kristmas party, Kim and Khloe were still beefing with Kourtney for unknown reasons. Their issues run deeper than the Kristmas Kard spat but I can't really pinpoint, nor do I care to pinpoint what the root of their problems are. Probably something that happened when they were eight and those bitches have been hanging onto it ever since. Kourtney didn't want Scott at the annual Kristmas Eve party because she wanted to bring her barely legal boy toy of that time which angered her two other sisters because they wanted the Jesus wannabe to attend their family holidays. Kris' defence of inviting Scott was "you can't cut him out after ten years of being apart of this family," which Kendall replied by saying: what about my dad?
Holy shit. My mouth hit the floor faster than Kylie took her lip fillers out after becoming a billionaire because of those fillers. First of all, are we still calling Caitlyn dad? I never thought I'd be on Kendall's side, let alone Caitlyn's, but I've been in the SAME situation of choosing between divorced parents and their families one too many times and if Caitlyn wasn't allowed then Scott and his fetish for prepubescent THOTs shouldn't have been allowed either. The Kardashians defence was "Mom can decide who she wants in her house" but they only said that about Cait because they don't like her and they are the ones who kicked all of Kris' friends off the guest list of the party and took control of the invitations so they really can't blame Kris being the owner of the house on who is invited.
They also said Scott was allowed to come because he never did anything to this family but I think the mirror in Miami would disagree. Does NO ONE remember him cheating, ditching rehab, going on benders and fighting with every member in the family? Obviously, Caitlyn fucked over the family because she was acting like a thirsty bitch but any Kardashian infringement should be treated the same if Scott didn't deliver good ratings he would've been exiled to Malibu as well. After the initial conflict, the family split into two teams like how Khloe's vagina probably split when she gave birth to True That kids head is bigger than a football. Kim & Khloe were on one side and Kourtney & Kendall on the other, Kylie has been MIA from this entire show and is as exciting to watch as paint drying or any of the Star Wars films, so she wasn't even a thought in this family feud.
Kourtney told Kendall she wanted to go away for Kristmas, which then got back to her bitchy sisters who weren't getting along with her anyway but then got pissed when she decided not to go. Why would she want to go? I know I like bitches but Kim and Khloe were acting like The Plastics of this family or one of those overly fake Bachelor contestants and I felt like I was losing brain cells from watching their stupidity continue. In the end, Kourtney decided to stay in LA for Kristmas and Scott and Caitlyn were both invited to the Christmas Eve party which we watched through their Snapchat videos. Basically, we knew how this story ended but Kris Jenner and her team just decided to waste our time with another fake storyline.
Side note: It's so hard to take Scott seriously when he looks like a budget version of Jesus and I can't imagine the amount of rug burn that's going on in-between Sofia's legs. Is his new goal as a wannabe Jesus to start handing bread and wine to everyone who walks by? Should they've nailed him to the cross at the Christmas party? Actually, they're probably waiting for Easter to do that.
While Kris' daughters were fighting about something stupid once again, she was pretending like she was an ambassador of a European country who the Russians were trying to drug. Sorry if your Russian but they are literally the villains in every James Bond movie ever so I have no other point of reference for countries trying to drug powerful people. Kris Jenner is probably one of the most powerful people in America but if anyone was trying to drug her, she should start questioning those people in her will. Maybe her mom or that cousin who comes around because everyone else has enough money without her dying. This whole storyline was fake and Kris, her kids, the editors, producers and everyone at home watching knew that, but her going to sleep early one night provided the perfect storyline of her thinking she was trying to be killed.
First, she got a complete physical, tested the Calabasas drinking water and then put cameras up in her entire house to see who wanted her dead. It was alarming to see the number of people in Kris' house who she has no idea who they are. The bitch lives in a gated community so no one is getting into her compound without her permission, but we can pretend like she faced the actual threat of someone sneaking into her house with the intent to kill her as if she was living in The Bronx. Maybe it was Lyme disease that's an invisible sickness? Can you imagine if Lyme claimed the career of another reality TV momager? RIP Yolanda Hadid.
In the end, Kris found out it was a hormone problem. Who knew? Kris YOU knew. Of course, it was just her ovaries playing up which for Kris is a plausible excuse for thinking she was being drugged.
The final excuse for a storyline for this episode was Khloe being a shut-in because she didn't want to announce her pregnancy. The whole world knew she was pregnant for months before she announced it but okay. Cool Khloe. To cheer her sister up Kim decided to TP their mom's house which sounds like a fun prank but that's not hurting Kris at all, it's just inconveniencing Javier the gardener. Who do you think has to clean that shit up? Ugh. The next episode actually looks promising because it's behind the scenes of Family Feud which is where Jonathan Cheban, Kim's bestie who looks like Bruce Jenner from four years ago (allegedly) flipped out and who doesn't want to see him get mad without his face moving?
Keeping Up With The Kardashians airs Sundays at 9/8c on E! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first family of reality TV.