RHOP Reunion Recap: Black Santa

August 20, 2018

Fresh from her dramatic walk-off, Karen returned to the stage to continue hashing out the drama. Walk-offs are the worst. Nothing really ever happens, it just leaves the rest of the women and Andy sitting there awkwardly and we know they are coming back. I can't recall a walk off that was actually entertaining and not just a waste of time. Maybe when Tamra's after Slade said she was giving everyone blowjobs and she called his ex-wife to get child support receipts? Aside from that mess I'm stumped. 

 

Once she was back the Green-Eyed Bandits and their messy little intern tried to be fake and console Karen even though their shitty, obsessive behaviour was the cause of the tears streaming down her face. Gizelle and Karen are the NeNe and Kim of this show, maybe not as violent, but the producers are definitely trying to position their friendship to be the cornerstone of this show but like fetch, it's not going to happen. They aren't BFFs who whoop it up together or are good TV together, for almost the entire three years we've known them they've been feuding or just trying not to get in each other way so there isn't a loving, entertaining foundation that makes me care about their friendship or hold a special place for it in my Housewives' heart. 

 

RELATED: RHOP Season 3 Cast Ranked

 

Following everyone giving Karen a forced Rimjob, Charrisse joined the group to reveal her house and cunt are both up for sale. After being exiled to a friend position, Eeyore and her drag queen-esque makeup needed to do the most to possibly regain her place as a fulltime cherry blossom holder but I don't see that happening. She made an enemy out of Monique to blame her for the Kyndall mishegas and then spent the rest of the reunion setting there like the person next to her sharted. I wouldn't put that past Robyn. I care very little about the Kyndall drama but contrary to what anyone says I believe Monique and Eeyore were both complicit in getting Sherman's ex on the show. They both were pissed at Gizelle and wanted to ruffle her feathers on camera but instead of their plan working the situation blew up in their faces and the whole Kyndall ordeal turned into who brought her around. Charrisse should've been thanking her lucky stars because without the Kyndall drama there's no way she would've gotten a reunion invite.

 

Gizelle also wants us to believe Sherman wants her back. Ugh. He ghosted her after a small People Magazine article was released about his relationship with someone on the least notable Housewives show but then chose to get back together once their relationship had been dissected in detail and his ex-wife spilled the tea he had been arrested with a hooker in his car on an international TV show. Are we really supposed to believe that, the reasons for breaking up and getting back together are the complete opposite? Every time Gizelle opened her mouth in that Shrek cum covered dress I wanted to move to Alaska and live the life of an Eskimo in an igloo so I wouldn't have to look at the travesty of a look.

 

I don't understand Gizelle and Monique's conflict. I don't know where the animosity comes from. The lead Green-Eyed bandit just doesn't like her. They don't gel. But why do they have such a hatred for each other? Nevertheless, every time Monique threw some pregnancy shade Gizelle's way it made me love her even more, Gizelle is a hypocrite who can dish her bullshit out to all the other women to eat but doesn't find anyone else funny and gets offended from the slightest things, it's exhausting and I'm glad Monique gives enough fucks (zero) to end the endless wannabe ghetto lingo which spills out of Gizelle's mouth. 

 

The only thing I hate more than reunion walk-offs are when the husbands join the cast. The yelling between the women and a husband that isn't there own makes me uncomfortable, there's always a weird underlying layer of tension and you can tell none of them actually want to be there. Except maybe the Black Bill Gates because he's always happy to be around, not in a thirsty way but he just seems jolly. Maybe we should rename him Black Santa? Brown Dick talked about his brown dick, revealed his eldest kid still doesn't speak to him and then sat behind his pageant princess for the rest of the reunion with his mouth shut and his brown dick tucked between his legs. 

 

Black Santa didn't tell us anything we didn't already know about his tax issues and was advised not to talk about it by his accountants and attorneys but unfornutaly when you join a reality show with a bunch of nosey bitches who have nothing interesting going on in their own lives and make your personal problems their main storyline, that doesn't exactly work out. The ONE thing which annoyed me about Gizelle, Robyn and Ashley targeting and questioning Karen at every point throughout this season was the fake explanation of how they were doing it out of concern and love. No. If you're going to be a messy bitch, just own that you're a messy bitch and I'll respect you more, don't hide behind fake concern and expect anyone to take you seriously, ESPECIALLY Robyn with that haircut and her WWE figure.

 

Michael, or the Geriatric Kangaroo as he's known to the autocorrect in my computer, looked like he was three seconds away from having a breakdown at all times during this reunion. Karen and Black Santa tried to threaten him with the information they knew about his "business issues" but they didn't reveal any of it to try and prove their own point of staying out of other people's business. He also tried to prove he wasn't having a gay affair in London according to his passport but I still don't believe it, I think he likes his ass young and caramel and doesn't care if there's a penis or vagina attached to the body. Karen and Black Santa won their war against Michael and Ashley, they embarrassed him, he looked like he wanted to cry and he's obviously not liked by fans. 

 

RELATED: RHOP Season 3 Reunion Fashion Roundup

 

However, the one area where the Hugers fucked up was when Ray confirmed he believed years ago that Karen and Blue Eyes were having an affair. If her OWN husband thought she was dipping and doing it with her driver in her street wig across down at the Holiday Inn then there's definitely something going on. I love Karen, her alternative facts and alternative wiglines but if she's suing Ashley for talking about her hookup with Blue Eyes then I 100% believe she's getting dicked out all over Potomac because why would you waste the legal fees over a petty rumour? AND why would she be with him at Oz, a restaurant owned by her enemy? Does she want to be caught? If you are going to cheat at least do it with dignity.

 

As annoying as Ashley and Michael are they did have a miscarriage so I can't shit on them too hard, but the only thing worse than them losing a child is that it brought them closer than they've ever been which means we are in for another season of their shitty relationship, his marsupial ways and a potential baby coming into the future but everyone needs a couple to hate on reality TV and I guess they are Potomac's answer to Dorit & PK and the Van Kempens.

 

The husbands finally went back to their dressing reunions to remove all their makeup and Andy whipped around the group to discover what they learned. If Gizelle and Robyn's answer wasn't "not to be a cunt" then what hope do we have for this group? The reunion ended the way many others do, everyone proclaims their sisterhood and hope for the group after they've spent the last eight hours throwing shade at each other and doing the exact opposite, in a bid to try and secure their spot on the next season. Spoiler alert: they're all coming back!

 

The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.

 

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