Shahs Of Sunset Recap: Seven Year Itch

August 17, 2018

This episode was a little lukewarm but I can see the storylines developing. I'm not sure how I feel about this season because I don't see any major fights or feuds on the horizon and I think the life events such as MJ's dad's death and wedding will probably bond everyone closer together, even Golnesa. It's fairly obvious these Persians are suffering from their Seven Year Itch because almost of their storylines are just reaching to try and secure their spot on the show for another season, they've been delivering us entertainment constantly for the last six years so it's almost expected their storylines had to decline in some way. 

 

Mike and his KKW Beauty makeup is probably the cast member suffering the seven-year itch the hardest. He has a new house in the Hollywood Hills which looks like a generic white LA home which has seen more than it's fair share of THOTs and cocaine pass through its doors. Mike isn't really doing anything aside from watching makeup tutorial in his bedroom because his face is beat at all time. This is a sign no one on this show is his friend because if he had a true friend in the cast they would take a cold makeup remover to his face or at least show him how to apply his makeup the right way. I can't focus on anything Mike is saying because he looks like he's straight out of a Sephora beginners lesson.

 

Mike and his dool swapped out his crush for Mona for his latest barely legal Kardashian wannabe Morgan, I'm all for the belief age is just a number but he seriously looked like her dad or at least her creepy uncle when they were together. Mike dating 24-year-old's and expecting to find love is like a drug addict shooting up and expecting to be clean, it's impossible. The homeless scene was nice to see but it just seemed like a last minute idea cooked up by Mike's publicist to try and change his image from a man whore to a charitable man whore. 

 

Another Shah who's suffering from SYI is Reza and his moustache-less face but at least he has a house to make it look like he's busy. While walking their dogs on the same street they always slowly walk down on the show because I guess it's the only suburban street they have permission to film on in LA, Reza told Mike about how a super wealthy haircare couple are interested in developing a hair product with him after his dog attacked their dog. Is he sure this isn't just a ploy for them to take 500K as "an investment" and then rip him off as payback for his dog coming for their dog? Rich people have the time to sit around and scheme. However, Reza is most likely going to invest the money with this couple but (oops) Adam and his mousy voice have no idea which is a problem because he wants a baby more than a fat girl wants cake and investing money in a new business is going to delay that dream.

 

I don't know if the producers like making us watch the same bullshit fight every year but if I hear Adam complain about not having a baby again I'm going to take a sharp object and insert it in my skull. Wanting a baby is the only thing that makes Adam relevant or gives him any power in this relationship because without his annoying demand to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on IVF he would hold less value on this show than he already does. It's more obvious than MJ's titties in a tight top that Reza doesn't want a child, and I mean ever, but Adam can continue to annoy him for years to come if these two need a storyline. Side note: does it annoy anyone else that Reza is pushing fifty and still referring to himself and everyone else as a bitch?

 

It may only be Nema and Mona's third episode but I've already started sewing their metaphorical voodoo dolls. No matter how many times they deny having sneaky incest sex, I'm not sure if I believe them, in fact, it makes me believe they are the Persian Meg and Chris Griffin even more. Maybe they don't intentionally fuck on a regular basis but I can see them making out as teenagers when they had to share a room when they would visit each other cross country. They went on a date and were probably playing footsy under the table while they discussed Nema cheating on his girlfriend, who's friends with his sister and runs his company. Like an unhappy first season Housewife who joins reality TV searching for a way to get out of her relationship, I'm suspecting Nema did the exact same thing.

 

He felt stuck with Erica who he started dating right after his marriage and didn't have the balls (or decency) to break up with her before the show so I don't know if he was planning to cheat on her for weeks, was too easily manipulated by the producers or is just a horny mother fucker but it was definitely a move out of the Jax Taylor handbook where he (almost) cheats which forces his girlfriend to end the relationship because he didn't have the balls to do it beforehand, so he can happily go off and fuck bitches. Can you imagine Nema literally fucking a bitch? I don't know if it's his vanilla personality or twinkish vibe but as juicy as this storyline is I have zero fucks to give and it seems overly produced on all fronts. Poor Erica. 

 

A common thread in this group is blaming their fucked up relationships on their fucked up family situations, which I relate to 100%. Nema having no family growing up apparently makes him want to start a family wherever he goes, while Destiney's single mom taught her to be like a man so she doesn't get hurt. Therapy: Blaming your problems on your parents since the beginning of time. Do you think Jesus blamed Mary's unconventional relationship with God for him being hung on the cross? Destiney's storyline is opening herself up to guys and the first client was an Iraqi who's name I can't remember.

 

He was cute and nice enough but I feel like Destiney has a little GG in her and is only attracted to bearded tattooed assholes who will fuck them right, cause them not to commit and then walk out the next morning, so maybe a nice put together Middle Eastern guy will be a good change for Destiney? They bonded over having fucked up family situations and (I'm hoping) went home to fuck. I know Destiney is a little too extra in her confessionals and wants to be a gif-worthy Bravolebrity but I like her a lot more than the retired priestess who's name we shall not speak. 

 

The conflict of the episode was between MJ and GG. The initialled cast members can't seem to get out of each other's way. The met in a meditation garden of all places to resolve their problems while Mercedes walked in with a slutty, skin-tight GI Joe outfit which I'm obsessed. MJ could wear a potato sack, tighten it around her titties and turn that into a look, however, her new 1950's housewife Karen Huger-esque style wig is questionable at best. I don't know if she has an Erika Jayne style glam squad or is doing it all on her own but I am here for it. Both girls have participated in a tennis match of throwing shade they thought was funny but hurt the other person's feelings, however, before they could get to a resolution MJ didn't own her part, Golnesa started yelling, threw flowers at Mercedes' face and threatened to get physical with her but then they ended up having a heart to heart.

 

They promised to take each other to the side if they hurt the other person's feelings again due to MJ taking a page from her dad's book and trying to lift people up, even though she's on a reality show. I don't really have an opinion either way on this issue because I love both girls and each party was just as guilty of throwing (funny not funny) shade at the other person but the thing that makes this one of my favourites shows on Bravo, even in its seven year itch, is that these Persians can threaten physical harm to one another and yell at the top of their lungs and then have an authentic heart warming moment. 

 

Shahs Of Sunset airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the flossiest Persians in LA!

 

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