Danielle Staub sucks.
The one group of Housewives fans I will never understand are the Staubies. Everybody who knows me knows I love two things in life: alcohol and an iconic reality TV villain. A good villain is the cornerstone of every reality show because they drive the plot and make the show worth watching, they may be annoying but there wouldn't be any drama without them. Kenya Moore, Brandi Glanville and Jill Zarin are some of my favourite Housewives and they have all had their turn of holding the villain title in their respective cities but the one evil genius I've never been able to get behind is Danielle.
She is a deeply flawed human being and like Charlie Sheen with cocaine, she brings a darkness with her wherever she goes along with a complete lack of self-awareness and it's not fun or appealing to watch. It's just uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, Danielle Staub's 5150 personality and past drug cartel days are the reason The Real Housewives of New Jersey became the hit that it was and her return was necessary because fans wouldn't stop asking for it stop until they got it, but now that she returned with her calmer, yoga vibes and fake friendship with Teresa we really don't need her around. A big part of why Jersey has been circling the drain for the last couple seasons is because the relationships aren't real and everyone is so thirsty (except Dolores and Margaret) they will do whatever it takes to stay on TV. Do you think Danielle and Teresa would be doing downward dog together if they weren't being paid?
However, Bravo brought her back for the upcoming ninth season as a "friend of" to exploit her Bahamas wedding. After the resident Prostitution Whore thought she had found her soulmate in her 20th fiance and third husband Marty Caffrey, it seems not even that marriage could last two months before it turned to shit as well. The couple had only been together for about a year when he proposed, so it was obviously to secure Danielle a spot on the show. Marty seems like a normal Steve Lodge type of guy so I think he was just coerced into marrying her on camera. Only TWO MONTHS after they had their international vacation, Marty announced their divorce through an Instagram comment and released a three-page statement about the fucked up state of their marriage, so obviously he finally saw the Danielle Staub we've been acquainted with for the last decade and now he's got buyers regret.
Following their most recent blowout this week where it seems like Danielle & Marty were both drunk fighting in their New Jersey home and he removed her family photos from the wall which resulted in them both taking restraining orders out on each other and Marty spilling all the tea on the fuckery that's gone down in their time together: from her trying to run him over, breaking into the bathroom while he's having a shower or threatening to stab him over and over. He's officially cast himself in the role of the battered husband and I don't know if she was Yoga Danielle before they got married and let the real Beverly Merrill emerge once they tied the knot or if she's been crazy for their whole relationship. But if he knew she was a fucking lunatic, why would he marry her in the first place?
As much as I believe everything that's transpired between the two in the last few weeks in the back of mind I'm not totally convinced this isn't a ploy for attention on Danielle's behalf. The only thing she loves more than having sex in a bathroom is television so I wouldn't put anything past her and her shady behaviour. She doesn't have any redeeming qualities I can relate to which is probably the reason I've never been able to like her. She isn't funny, witty, shady or have an emotional side, she just has a fuck tonne of creepy illegal baggage and a thirst to be an employee at Bravo, even though she is only in a recurring role. If the producers put your engagement in the "Secrets Revealed" episode and don't make you a Housewife when most of the cast are bridesmaids in your televised wedding then I don't know how they could make it more clear that they hate you. Danielle is good to have around to create drama in the background but the producers obviously aren't looking to invest in her criminal ways just like Marlo Hampton.
The only thing worse than knowing Danielle Staub will be returning to our screens in a few months is the fact we'll have to sit through a whole season about her planning her wedding, getting married, gushing over her husband and pretending to live happily ever after when we all know they're relationship imploded faster than the amount of time it'll take to actually watch the season. I would much rather watch their marriage disintegrating in front of our eyes than their wedding but I guess God (Andy Cohen) wants to make us suffer.