I am thrilled these Dallas broads are back on Bravo. After their phenomenal season last year they really elevated themselves to the top of my Housewives ranking, especially in a time when the older cities are dying faster than a house fly in the winter. I don't love all the ladies but I appreciate the role they play and they are all vital members of the show. It wouldn't have the same recipe without LeeAnne threatening to kill her cast members and then doing yoga to solve it, Brandi and Stephanie acting like the drunk white Oprah & Gayle, D'Andra and her deep roots to the rich Dallas society and even Kameron and her ditzy pink dog food are a vital piece of the puzzle. She's definitely not a corner piece but the show wouldn't be complete without her.
Straight out of the gate Brandi announced she just adopted a new red headed baby after Stephanie texted her one day saying "hey wanna baby?" I want to live in Stephanie Hollman's brain full of unicorns, fairy floss and there's probably even sweet Disney music always on repeat in the background. As much as it seems like Steph just woke up one day, found a baby in her drain pipe and offered it to Brandi like a stork, she actually had connections to an adoption agency and sent Brandi a photo. Baby Bruin is super cute and fits in perfectly with her red-headed brood. Last year Brandi and her two-faced ways made me unsubscribe from my Brandi Land membership but I think adoption is one of the most beautiful things a person can do and I wish we would see it more on TV.
I know it's only the first episode but so far I'm really liking all the girls. LeeAnne "They're Just Hands" Locken and her carny ways is obviously my favourite cast member because she drives the show and we wouldn't have a plot without her and D'Andra was my favourite newbie of all the cities last year so they are the two horses I am betting on for this season. Stephanie is like the Bambi of the group, she's cute, fluffy and innocent which annoyed me last season due her only saying how she felt about LeeAnne in her confessionals but now I appreciate her sweet personality, obviously she'll never be on the same playing field as LeeAnne but she's her own human being and she's like a cute little teddy bear that I want to fall asleep with. We need a genuinely good human being to level out the cast.
Even Kameron is growing on me. She was the recipient on my Shade of the Week last year and her faux-dumb Barbie attitude gave me a migraine week after week, however, I finally get her. She's definitely a secondary character but I appreciate anyone who stands in their honest truth and owns who they are 100% and Kam does that with her pink dog food, Barbie-Goes-To-Work attitude and bubbly persona. She's not harmlessly sweet like Stephanie but she's alright. I don't have anything bad to say about her yet, but this is only the first episode and we have a LONG way to go. I do have something bad to say about her husband.
The hobbit is definitely on my House Husband Shit List, I don't like oppressive sugar daddies and I'm definitely getting that vibe from Danny DeVito and his little hands. I don't understand or give a fuck about their dumb fight using their kids as pawns about her pink sparkle dog company but he obviously wants her to be a budget Nicole Kidman Stepford wife. The only thing I hate more than shitty husbands are the scenes with little kids or when the parents' passive-aggressively fight through them and we got both of those this episode. It's basically like a free form of birth control. If I wanted to watch a show about children I'd turn on Sesame Street and at least do some learning at the same time.
In order to be a better person and to film with the other ladies, LeeAnne took a yoga/meditation class to try and heal herself while blaming her amygdala. Do I think the amygdala has something to do with her temper? Probably. Do I think her amygdala is acting as the little devil on her shoulder telling her to throw glasses at people and make iconic quotes about her hands and gives tonnes of free promotion to The Roundup while standing around naked drugged up before her boob job? No. LeeAnne's quest to be a better person has been a constant storyline through the course of the show. She fucks up, feels bad, bangs on a bowl, tries to be better and then repeats the cycle, it's like she's on a hamster wheel of constant fuckery: which is why she is one of my favourites. Without LeeAnne feeling remorse and regret she wouldn't have any redeeming qualities and her admitting her faults just makes her a more well-rounded person, but unlike alcohol, she can't blame her shitty behaviour on her amygdala. Side note: those producers need Emmy nominations this minute for their epic flashback montage. Bravo, Bravo!
To resolve their issues and be able to film together LeeAnne, her extensions, fur jacket and Cary sat down for coffee where they agreed to be civil. It was a real, authentic conversation that these two haven't had before and after two seasons of them being each other's biggest enemy, I think they both don't want to go back to the Roundup place. Can LeeAnne throw her bachelorette party at the gay hotspot because we at least need to see what it looks like? The big premiere party of the episode was D'Andra's fourth wedding anniversary, of course, everyone commented on the odd-numbered year to have a celebration but they are on a reality show and needed to throw a party. What do you expect? All the ladies arrived like they were going to the Emmys and bought their sparkly gowns with a Groupon from a prom store's going out of business sale, but this is Dallas people, if they weren't decked out in botox, hair extensions and rhinestone riddled dresses then there would be a problem.
Everyone attended except for the resident redhead of the group after she heard D'Andra had made fun of her eyes and said she was Adderall. Obviously, Brandi has too much time on her hands and not a mirror because she does have squinty eyes and she admitted to having an Adderall prescription. FYI, D'Andra didn't actually say Brandi did Adderall on that podcast but even if she did Brandi admitted to it, so I don't see the problem. Brandi has a tendency to get pissed off at every little thing someone says to the press even if it isn't an insult. See: her entire feud with Stephanie about a sentence from her Bravo blog.
However, without Brandi and her eyes present LeeAnne and Cary managed to nearly make out and even Stephanie was getting along with Miss Locken after they were seated together. LeeAnne's longtime friend D'Andra may have spelt her name wrong on her place card but she did something right by putting Stephanie with LeeAnne and her bevy of gays. Is LeeAnne Locken the Erika Jayne of Dallas? Because if so I'm going to need her to have her own autotuned, late-in-life singing career. It was great seeing Stephanie and LeeAnne get along because they've never been able to let their friendship flourish because of Brandi. It was like Flounder bonding with Ursula from The Little Mermaid without a redhead getting in the middle of them.
Throughout her daughter's anniversary party, Momma Dee stumbled around talking shit about her after she took the keys to her company back and hasn't spoken much to D'Andra since. Momma Dee is the definition of Texas from her accent, to her hair to that eyeshadow. Is it possible for me to have an unhealthy infatuation with the real-life version of Melissa McCarthy's character in The Boss and still feel bad for D'Andra? To end the event, LeeAnne's young friend and her vocal fry joked that it was time for her to marry Rich, which made her fiance and his eyepatch squeeze his butthole tighter than Stephanie did when she found out she was sitting next to LeeAnne. It's only the first episode and I want more! I'm like a heroin addict, I just can't stop myself.
The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the lone star ladies.