The ladies all got back from their Colombian trip from Hell but their bowels were yet to catch up with them. Five of the seven ladies had shit (literally) coming out both ends after they ate some bad fish and the entire cast and crew nearly died on their boat trip, so it wasn't exactly the marketing the Colombian tourism department was looking for her. "Come to Colombia: The land of cocaine, food poisoning and near death experiences." Doesn't that sound calming? The group reminisced about finally being able to have solid bowel movements and Sonja wearing diapers to deal with her diarrhoea on the plane while Dorinda, Sonja & Lu looked around Ramona's Hamptons Kim-Kardashian-Empty-Chic style renovation which was equipped with online furniture and Jill Zarin rugs. Jill doesn't even have to be on the show and she's getting that free Bravo advertising!
While the Upper East Side bitches who lunch dissected their disastrous trip in Ramona's new white kitchen, Tinsley had PTFOMOD (Post Traumatic Fear Of Missing Out Disorder) because she was upset that she didn't think she was going to die on the boat when everyone else did and realised she missed her experience to cry with the other ladies and not be judged for it. Mugshot Mortimer was an episode late for crying about her near-death experience and her eye-roll inducing tears have been taking years off my life. How the fuck did the producers not fire her midseason because all she's done is cry about eggs in a faux wedding dress and move hotel rooms. Carole tried to act as a therapist and said Tinsley's abusive relationships were the reason she thought everything was going to be okay on the boat. These Eyelash Twins are the worst. I'm partially #TeamCarole but she obviously has too much time on her hands if she's can sit around and make that connection.
Bethenny also revealed her new renovation for the cameras when Dorinda stopped by and the producers didn't fail to zoom in on her light fixture that was exactly the same as for Ramona's. I LOVE the producers' shady wink wink moments. I'm sure Skinnygirl ripped that thing out of the roof as soon as she saw the episode. While giving Bethenny a rimjob over her giant new apartment, Dorinda shared she was still mad at Lu over their Colombian fight. Really Dorinda Medley? Really? Is this the RHONY hill you want to die on? This fight is a drunken non-issue that went too far, Dorinda overreacted, probably doesn't even remember what she said but just keeps running with it. I've been #TeamDorinda ever since her slurring ways and "Back It Up" hands came out in her debut season but she looks like a cunt for continuing this beef with Lu for no reason. Of course, Bethenny took this information and RAN straight over to Luann, even though a week earlier in Colombia she cried and told Dorinda not to tell other people what she tells her. Either Bethenny has the memory of a disabled goldfish or she's just a hypocrite.
Even though Lu and Dorinda gave each other fake Upper East Side greetings at Ramona's house, the Countess shared she also was still pissed at Dorinda when Bethenny brought it up. This Luann vs Dorinda fight is stupid. It's stupid on both ends. They both said sorry in international waters so I'm confused why they had to bring this shit back with their actual shit from Colombia. Just when I was on Luann's side for Dorinda accosting her, the Countess felt the need to use the last of her steamy Colombian diarrhoea to shit all over Ramona's renovation while Bethenny had an orgasm at the sound of Luann trash talking Ramona just as much as she does. It's a MODERN renovation, that means basic colours, minimalistic furniture and white walls what did the Countess except? Ramona can't breathe without Bethenny and her nasal voice giving her five aggressive comments about her appearance, business, family and home life. Enough already. Bethenny got mad when Ramona attacked her "south of the highway home" but has no problem throwing shade right back, it's not cute seeing ANY of the Housewives shitting on each other's homes. I'm of course here for the drama but can't they celebrate each other's homes at least? It was just rude. Shouldn't Lu know money can't buy you class?
Bethenny is still trying to make us believe she's happy about not being Carole's friend and is working overtime to sell her friendship with Sonja to us, but I think the only people who believe it is Brynn and Sonja. I'm glad Lady Morgan finally has someone to film with but that jeans warehouse scene was just sad. First of all, Bethenny's Driving Miss Daisy style driver Kevin has suddenly gone MIA so I don't know who she is going to talk shit/film with and I still have no idea why they went to that sketchy, 1960s style denim factory. Is she making the Skinnygirl jeans there? Is she just really interested in how to make her dick look bigger in jeans? What is it? Bethenny says her "friendship" with Sonja is better because she's fun and Carole takes herself WAY too seriously but two scenes earlier she was saying the wannabe Carrie Bradshaw is only friends with Tinsley because she wants light friendships and not the intense one they once had. Bethenny is speaking out of her mouth and her asshole at the same time which is probably why she can never successfully get diarrhoea because her asshole is always fucking talking.
Carole also tried to say Bethenny takes herself to seriously and is too intense. Why are they both trying to show us who can have more fun? It's like a bad breakup. Bethenny is acting like she's having SUCH A HILARIOUS TIME laughing her ass off with Sonja so hard that she may break a blood vessel while Carole is loving her new young vibe with Tinsley. I can't deal with all their projection, can't Bethenny and Carole just eat each other out and let this thing be over? Oh wait, Bethenny's allergic to fish and they both want to be the winner of this breakup. I guess the Skinnygirl probably one because she's still on the show...
Carole threw a party for her Cosmo article where everyone had to dress like they were on their way to a four-year-old jazzercise class which was just painful to watch, especially Adam and his dopey, vegan energy's awkward cameo about possibly getting coffee with Carole, which was their code word for fucking. But they all looked great in spanx due to their Colombian cleanse. Carole also invited Heather Thomson to talk shit about Bethenny which is what REAL friends do. Why have ex-reality TV show friends if they can't talk shit with you about your current reality TV show friends? Someone give Heather and her Barbara-esque nose her apple back because she was probably the only person with any sense who's ever gone against Bethenny that hasn't been completely railroaded or too stupid to fight back.
Finally, we ended with Ramona Singer aka Benjamin Button's new skincare launch party which Bethenny and her unsupportive ways boycotted. Bethenny doesn't like seeing anyone succeed. She can pretend to have her women empowerment B Strong bullshit but she gets jealous anytime she sees someone else try to take precious Skinnygirl advertising time away from her on this show and retaliates with her bitchy confessionals. Whether she likes Ramona or not she should have shown up or at least left a text but Bethenny's only friends at this point are Sonja and (maybe) the New Kevin, so she obviously has zero fucks left to give about the rest of the cast and their business ventures. Ramona and Sonja were debating Bethenny's role in the group like they were the angel and devil on her shoulder. Ramona was the scorned devil who has endured two years straight of Bethenny taking a shit on her every time she opens her mouth and Sonja, the naive angel who's just happy Bethenny is finally giving her the time of day. My eyes have been opened to Bethenny's manipulative and fame hungry ways like an ex-Scientologist waking up after committing years of their life to a cult and it's hard to look at her the same way.
Lady Morgan also hawked her new shoe line at Ramona's skincare launch which was major shade. What is she a travelling merchant? This isn't Europe in the 1900s it's New York City in 2018, but I respect the hustle I can't lie. And since when did she have a shoe line? Where does Sonja and her sexy J come up with these things? If loving Sonja is wrong I don't want to be right because she is the undisputed star of this franchise. Hands down. Her townhouse scenes deserve their own Bravo TV digital series. Sonja's place on this show is confusing because most of the women talk shit about her, yet, she's at every event, flirting with the wait staff and talking about her sexual adventures but if she ever lost her apple I think I'd jump into ongoing NYC traffic or voluntarily become Tinsley's therapist because she is an iconic sloppy Samantha Jones for the ages - and I mean that in the BEST way.
The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!