RHOP Finale Recap: Dehydration

August 6, 2018

After an epic season, the finale was pretty lukewarm but at least we have the reunion to still give us a reason to watch. I feel sorry for this Maryland bunch. They have delivered one of the best Housewives seasons of the year let alone of all time, but the majority of the fandom hasn't caught on yet. These ladies deserve all the accolades with their quick shade, wigs and messy antics but the stigma around the newer franchises is very alive and well. The finale was Candiace & Brown Dick's engagement party which seems weird because they've been engaged for ages and their storyline is about planning a wedding but I guess the producers couldn't find a better excuse to get all the ladies together. In my time as a Housewife Historian, I've found that the best finales are dinners where the group can sit down, talk out their issues and then not see each other for months, but I guess this rooftop party will have to do. 


The episode began in the middle of that tragic pizza delivery mess. The producers, Green-Eyed Bandits and their messy intern thought they were hilarious but their very thirsty stunt was just an eye-roll inducing waste of time. Karen didn't open the door after Robyn rang several times but there may or may not have been someone in the kitchen. Why do Gizelle, Robyn and Ashley give a fuck where Karen and her wig (s) reside? I understand they are on a show together and it's their job to try and cause drama and drive the plot but their obsession has gone way too far. It would be one thing if the ladies owned their messy ways and were honest about their reason behind investigating Karen's life but they pretend they are doing it because they are her friend and care about her. If you have to question where your friend lives obviously you're not that close AND they know exactly how she would react to their trespassing stunt so I'm sick of their faux concerned behaviour toward the Grand Dame Deficit. 


Before their engagement party Brown Dick told Candiace two of his children are allowed to attend their wedding, however, he doesn't know about his third kid because he hasn't seen him in ten years. How do you not see something you created for a fucking decade? Maybe a few months, maybe a year at most but 10 fucking years? I've had my experience with deadbeat dads but this is too bizarre for me, I just can't wrap my head around not even attempting to reach out for ten years and even if the mum won't allow it, Brown Dick has rights to see his own child. What the Tom Cruise is going on? It's sad on both ends because the now 15-year-old kid basically grew up without a dad and Brown Dick is going to have to live with the guilt and consequences for the rest of his life. Candiace's family were talking about how she's going to be an instant stepmom but none of the kids lives anywhere near them and he hasn't seen one for ten years, so the term instant stepmom doesn't reply apply to her. Maybe low-key stepmom? 


The engagement party commenced and all the ladies and their wigs arrived in high spirits because they knew it was the last time they'd have to associate with each other until the reunion. It may be an engagement party for Candiace but it was an official dis-engagement for the rest of the group. Ashley showed up with some ugly plant as a gift to Candiace which was shade in its own right. Who the fuck wants a plant for an engagement present? If Brown Dick can't maintain a relationship with his son how the fuck is he supposed to look after a plant? And who would want to water a plant? This is why you stick to the registry or just give cash so that the hosts of the party aren't left with a fucking plant.


The weird gift wasn't Ashley's only attempt of mess at the party, of course, she said she was happy to see Karen wearing her ring and then passed it off as if she was concerned when we all know it was blatant shade. Luckily, Karen and her questionable wig got Little Miss Mess all the way together by calling her a liar and saying that she doesn't matter to her. Ashey is like that noisy little sister who tattles on you for everything and stirs more shit than a toilet. Girl, sit the fuck down! While Ashley tried to stir mess up with Karen, her geriatric Kangaroo of a husband was doing the same thing with the Black Bill Gates. Out of nowhere, he hopped over just to ask where he was living. What the fuck? Can't they at least to try to make it seem like they didn't stay up to rehearse this the night before? 


This messy tag team attempt to try and start some drama is so contrived and wrong. Ashley and Michael think Karen and BBG's are deflecting their issues when the May-December couple are the real culprits guilty of deflection. The old Aussie obviously does not want to have children with Ashley. That's an issue and there's massive problems in their relationship if you don't want to create offspring with the person you claim to want to spend the rest of their life with. Instead of Ashley taking her last good eggs and finding someone who wants to fertilise them, her and her mess box of a husband tried to get Karen and Ray to also show their mess on camera and sink down to their level, but luckily the Huger's weren't having it. The Darby's need to worry about themselves and their fucked up marriage instead of talking about everything Karen, her wig and the Black Bill Gates are doing because if their relationship was fine they wouldn't have the time to focus their energy on other peoples. I worry about Ashley because every day she stays with Michael she loses an egg. That's not shade, it's biology. 


The lynching of Karen still wasn't over. The Green-Eyed Bandits took over from their messy little intern and asked Karen if she found a pizza on her front porch. Ugh. This thirst is too real to comprehend. Karen should have walked into the kitchen, got herself a nice cold jug of water and poured Gizelle and her two minions a glass because these are three dehydrated batches. She didn't see the pizza but maybe her husband threw it in the bin? Maybe the producers messily hid the pizza to make it seem like Karen doesn't live there or maybe she is living in the townhouse? Who knows and Karen certainly isn't going to be honest about it, so this is a lost cause. Karen struggles to tell the truth, it's one of the best things about her and if the viewers can recognise this then her cast member's should too and stop trying to expose her at all costs. It must be pretty sad when your storyline revolves around someone else's life for an entire season because you don't want to talk about how your own men, cheat, ghost and refuse to breed with you but hey, that's none of my business!

The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.


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