We finally got to the moment Housewives loyalists everywhere have waited six months to see: the Boat Ride from Hell. The Big Apple ladies have had one of the best seasons in Housewives history, especially in these times where their sister cities have been giving less than satisfying performances. We've had the friendship of Bethenny and Carole dissolved before our eyes, Luann's iconic arrest, Drunk Dorinda and of course the always entertaining Sonja Morgan and her Townhouse of Wonders so I guess the only way they could top their behaviour was for Bravo to almost kill the entire cast.
Before we can dive into the infamous boat trip, let's talk about the breakfast scene. The episode picked up the morning after Bethenny & Carole AND Dorinda & Luann's simultaneous fights at the same dinner table and the bitchy conversations spilled over into their breakfast meal. Lu was still hurt by Dorinda's insensitive comments about her mugshot and arrest the night before. In true Dorinda Medley fashion, I thought she would regret her drunk behaviour, apologise profusely and continue being merry friends with Luann and her Countess title. Nope. Instead, she doubled down on everything she had said the night before and turned the conversation around to attack Lu even further. Dorinda honey, no. This is not the battle you are going to win. Luann is fresh out of rehab and the fan favourite right now who literally only said "she's getting started," before you unleashed on her. Normally I defend Dorinda to the depths of Housewives Hell, where Kim Richards and Phaedra Parks currently hold residence, but her behaviour is indefensible. The Dorinda and Luann conflict isn't even a complicated one. It's just Lu standing up for herself after going through a traumatic time in her life and her friend who she thought was supportive, kicking her while she's down. Dorinda's still justifying and defending her actions in real time and I don't know if she even believes her own bullshit or just has too much pride and can't climb out of the massive hole she's dug for herself.
Carole and Bethenny's fucked up dynamic also played into this feud as Skinnygirl tried to intervene in Lu and Dorinda's fight and reprimand Doris, even though she had yelled at the whole group for eavesdropping on her conversation with Carole literally the night before, but this is Bethenny's world and these ladies just live in it. While Bethenny added her to cents to the fight, Carole added hers and told her former bestie to stay out of it which just resulted in hostility and another passive-aggressive pissing match between the two. If I have to hear Bethenny cry and say she loves Carole one more time in between talking shit about her and yelling about Radziwill trying to look young then I am going to go to Cartagena and board the boat from Hell myself. We have two episodes left and I still have no idea what they are fighting about. Adam and Bethenny's charity? It's just an odd pile-up of small things which caused the two to unload in their confessionals (and blogs) and reveal how they really feel about each other which causes another fight altogether. Bethenny likes to play the victim and blame her beefs with the other person not liking her, "you just don't like me" should be her tagline next season. She also talked shit and complained about her relationship with Carole while Carole was literally sitting at the table and shared she had never had a falling out with any friend like this. Umm, what is Jill Zarin? Chopped liver?
Somehow after exchanging bitchy remarks all morning Bethenny and Carole made up and everyone went on the boat ride to a house on a private island. This is more the New York ladies style. These women need a mansion on the water where they can bathe in the sun and get drunk. Where Sonja has the freedom to flash her titties as much as she wants and Ramona can boss around the foreign wait staff. Everybody's happy. For the first time in the entire trip, the group actually had some peace and fun. Normally in every Housewives trip, there's some drama and shade but they always end up turning up and having fun together, not this trip. For the past two days, everybody has just played witness to Bethenny Frankel's breakdown but now everyone was finally having fun, except for Dorinda who had the realisation she had been an asshole to Luann. The thing about Dorinda is she really is a kind, genuine, loving person. Of course, she didn’t mean to hurt Luann’s feelings because she’d never intend to make some feel bad but her deep, dark, ugly drunk side comes out and cuts people. It’s her own Singer Stinger but I can’t think of its alliteration just yet. Meddling Medley? I’ll get back to you on that. I love New York because they can rip each other to shreds but then be there for one another in an authentic way, like Bethenny comforting a crying Dorinda or Dorinda hugging it out with Luann. They may not be good today but they are willing to make up, say sorry and move on with life which is why they are the best Housewives of any franchise. You’ll be hard pressed to find anyone who believes otherwise.
Finally, after the group had finally come together they were forced to board their boat due to the bad weather conditions which are never a really good sign. Once aboard the Devil’s spawn of boats, ship got real. Did you see what I did there? Waves were crashing into the boat, water was coming aboard, furniture was flying about, Tinsley and Sonja were screaming about the choppy conditions, Carole was throwing up, sirens were sounding and Lady Morgan’s little Lady Morgan started pissing everywhere, but come on guys, sometimes Sonja has to go commando. What can she say? The boat drama got so bad the cameramen had to stop recording because they risked dying. From my end, the group’s near-death experience didn’t look almost as serious but being on the boat would’ve had a totally different “we’re gonna die vibe” that you probably had to be there to feel.
Due to the producers taking the cameras down, the saga was pieced together through the cast describing the events in their confessionals and shitty iPhone footage shot by a producer. You know the drama is at its peak when they have to throw the iPhone videos in. The captain had to even cut off the anchor to save them from capsizing. I'd like to think of it as the modern day Titanic, except no one died, there was no car sex and it was a charter yacht. Side note: how the fuck was Tinsley calm during the entire ordeal. She’s the most annoying and screeching Housewife in this city but when they were almost about to die she decides to be the calm and collected one? Know how to read a room, Mugshot Mortimer.
After the producers had given the ladies a 17 hour grace period from filming after almost dying at the hands of Bravo, they resembled for breakfast, only to discover that five of the seven Housewives had severe diarrhoea. Shit literally got real. Due to Bethenny’s fish allergy and Tinsley’s inability to eat international cuisine, they avoided the Colombian Shit Outbreak of 2018 while the rest of the group were shitting in every toilet they could find without toilet paper because of course the Ramona Coaster had run around to everyone’s rooms and stolen their toilet paper. If Ramona didn’t steal everyone’s toilet paper while the majority of the cast was in the middle of suffering parasites then I would be worried. This was the worst vacation ever. Bethenny cried for 95% of the time, the entire group hated each other for the entire three days, the whole group had shit pouring out of them, the cast and crew nearly died at sea and Carole wore feather earrings. Of course, the Housewives having a terrible trip always translates to it being one of the best by reality TV standards. To end their shit show of a trip, Luann left the Colombian workers with a parting gift and a metaphor of their vacation, a nice old shit on her bed. Whoever said money can't buy you class?
The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!