This is the Housewives cast you want to travel with because they always repeat the same recipe for an epic trip. They love a tropical location, Ramona's offensive to the workers and shares a room with Sonja, Dorinda has a slurring moment, they all get drunk, the main feud of the season reaches its breaking point, Bethenny cries and Luann gives us a new scandal. No other cast even rivals these women in the vacation department and this is definitely where this cast excels. Atlanta is great at reunions, New Jersey is at it's strongest during a POSCHE fashion show, Beverly Hills isn't good at anything but take these New York ladies on a trip and they will fucking deliver and deliver it good.
Upon the group's arrival in Columbia Ramona had a "broken" ankle of some kind and had to be taken around the airport in a wheelchair by a local. How did she even find him? Only Ramona Singer would enlist help from a random Columbian to wheel her around. It's extra, it's melodramatic and it's typical Ramona but as over the top as it is it would suck to have to limp around the airport with your luggage so if a rich white woman on a reality show can't be wheeled around, who fucking can? The house they stayed in was beautiful but was more of a townhouse than the tropical mansions on the beach they are used. To avoid their normal room squabbles the "hostess" Tinsley decided to put a Tiffany & Co jewellery box in every room with a necklace with everyone's initial inside to decide who was sleeping where. What the fuck? I know Tinsley wants to be the cute little trust fund baby but it's getting exhausting. Pick numbers out of a hat and let it be fucking done, it was a really long-winded way to hand out a fucking room.
When everyone was settled into their new house then Bethenny's downfall really began. All season there's been a weird energy around the former Queen Bee. Ever since her return to the show, everyone has been trying to get inside her asshole but now that her loyal minion Carole popped outside her Bethenny really hasn't any friends left. Yes, she got along with all the other women but without her having control over someone her reign of power was over and shit started to fall faster than an 85-year-old's boob when she takes her bra off. Bethenny always needs a bestie on the show. She doesn't have a lot of close friends or let anyone in so both Jill and Carole were real friends to her off the show as well and when her relationships broke down with them she still had her sidekicks whether it's Alex and Ramona in season three of Sonja and Luann now but she's never going to be close with them and all they are is allies for TV.
This trip was not Bethenny's friend. From the first meal, she got half a taste of the fish soup and ran out of the room to throw up and whaled on the bathroom floor with a film crew watching while no one gave a shit. At all. Any Housewives fan knows Bethenny is allergic to fish after her first Berkshires breakdown so obviously the producers called ahead and requested that their first meal be a fish soup just to piss off the already fragile Bethenny. All season she has morphed more and more into Season 3 Jill Zarin but it's clear her transformation is finally complete with this being her Scary Island moment, however, instead of surprising her friends and getting kicked out she had to stay there and have an allergic reaction on the bathroom floor while the rest of the ladies got drunk and didn't even notice her absence which is so much worse than leaving on a private jet with your husband.
After she got up off the floor everyone resumed their usual roles before dinner. Tinsley got ready with her makeshift glam squad, Ramona got stuck in the elevator and Luann ran around with her Sofia Vergara wig on looking like she was about to audition of the next season of RuPaul's Drag Race. Luann de Lesseps and her drinking have been one of the biggest contributors to almost every RHONY trip to date but after her newly sober life, it was always going to a different kind of trip. I'm just surprised they managed to smuggle a felon out of the country, she must have a GOOD lawyer. For her sober trip, Lu tried to replace her drinking with dressing like a drag queen and she wasn't bad at it. Who knew that with a blonde wig and a red lip that she would look exactly like Sofia Vergara? Who fucking knew? The only person Luann has ever reminded me of was Chandler's dad from Friends. Even though in hindsight we know that Luann has relapsed I'm happy she was able to stay sober for this trip, even if she needed to dress as a sitcom star.
Out at dinner, Bethenny's shitty behaviour continued when she found out Carole went on a date with Red Scarf from speed dating who B blew off once he spammed her phone and she found out that he hung out with Ramona. I really don't think this guy was thirsty. It's not weird that he'd talk to three girls in the same group because it's speed dating, that is literally what you do. However, Carole was acting like a smug bitch at the table about her date with Red Scarf which hurt Bethenny's ego and caused the former BFF's to get into yet another bizarre passive-aggressive pissing match about a guy no one cared about it. I still don't actually know why they hate each other. Something to do with Adam? I don't know. But all season their fights haven't really addressed their issues and are just prolonged jabs at each other where you can tell something is up but you don't know what it is. There has to be a deeper issue because the crime does not match the reaction.
After their weird fight about Tom 2.o from speed dating, Bethenny's weird mood just spiralled as she shit talked the house and acted like a spoilt bitch. She is always so self-aware of everything and self-producing at all times and I don't know if it's the Colombian air but she's officially given up. If Ramona had said that about the house Bethenny would have berated her, called her spoilt and made her look like a complete and utter asshole in front of the other women but I guess it's okay to be an uptight bitch when your names Bethenny Frankel. Then Dorinda repeated her comment about the house to the "host" Mugshot Mortimer who we know did not plan this trip but had to get mad about it for theatrical reasons which then got an angry Bethenny even pissier and started yelling at Dorinda. It's a reality show it's going to get back to her anyway so I don't understand the anger. She started crying her usual over the top ugly Bethenny cry but it was different this time. It wasn't a cry that made you sympathetic towards her cause, her tears are just eye-roll inducing at this point and I don't know what is but she's missing the Frankel je ne sais quoi that made her the Housewives power player she is.
The next morning after Bethenny had obviously done some self-reflection and realised what a cunt she had been the day before she started her day by once again crying, this time in the pool, and blamed her bitchy behaviour on her custody battle, Jason's restraining order ending, moving and fighting with Carole. I don't doubt that's why she's sad but she's fucking unraveling in front of us and it's not a cute breakdown it's just cringeworthy and I'm just shocked that The Bethenny Frankel who left the show in season three as the MVP of the entire franchise with a husband, new baby and spinoff ended up breaking down every three seconds in Columbia because of Carole Fucking Radzwill, who didn't do anything for five years but is suddenly the cause of the demise of the biggest Housewife of all time, well played Radziville!
I don't know whose side I'm taking in this argument. I've been a Bethenny loyalist for years but she has really been on a long fall from grace this season from being the Queen Bee with major authority to just being an average player whose closest allies are the two Housewives she's exiled from the group in the past. And Carole is just an annoying Carrie Bradshaw wannabe who thinks she's cool to post her shady blogs and talk shit with the other ladies but when it comes down to it she sucks at arguing with Bethenny face-to-face and has really just taken this beef and ran with it because she's never been more relevant. I'm on no one's side but I'm here with my popcorn (and tea) and I'm munching away.
The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!