RHONY Recap: Cougar Town

July 12, 2018

I'm not ready for the treasure that is RHONY to end. Next week they go on their trip to Colombia which means the finale and reunion taping are near which is annoying, to say the least. I could seriously watch these women for 52 weeks of the year and never get bored, they are the funniest group of the entire Housewives franchise and there is always something going on. There hasn't been a single bad episode in the whole season and that's because everyone in the cast pulls their weight and serves a purpose. Bravo could cancel some of the other Housewives and replace them with year-round RHONY episodes and I wouldn't be mad, someone could to strap a GoPro to Ramona Singer and make a web series on BravoTV.com and I would even binge watch that! The world needs more RHONY.

 

Luann is getting ready for her cabaret show which will include Sonja. Cabaret or Cabarlesque in Sonja's case just seems natural for these two because they love attention and love to perform, no tea no shade, just facts! Of course, the Countess is singing her hit "Money Can't Buy You Class" at the event which we've all heard 1000 times but her musical directors decided to put a weird rap "gangsta" spin on it that just made Lu and Sonja look like two drunk aunts trying to sing a song from Drake's new album at their gay nephews wedding. It was rough and not in the way that Sonja likes to be fucked in her townhouse. They just need to give us the classics we want and deserve the way God intended them to be performed, by Luann in her cigar stained voice and a sparkly dress. Lu released her first song in season three when she was going through her first divorce, so it's nostalgic to see her getting back into music again during her second and it's helping her stay sober or not floss her teeth another way as she put it, which just gave me the visual of her pouring scotch onto a toothbrush.

 

The theme of this episode seemed to be dating. Carole somehow got all the girls to agree to go speed dating together and Bethenny was helping Sonja set up an online dating profile. Why are they all trying so hard to get dick? Lady Morgan's dating profile had all the International Luxury Fashion Lifestyle Affordable Brand bullshit you'd expect and it's amazing. Sonja really is the gift that keeps on giving because she completely lacks self-awareness but remains so pure. She's like a sloppy Samantha Jones and if anyone is going to replace Kim Cattrall in a third Sex And The City movie, let it be Sonja, you don't even have to give her a script just edit in her scenes from RHONY and the movie makes itself. You can thank me later Michael Patrick King.

 

And when did Skinnygirl starting hanging out with Tipsygirl? I know we've seen their friendship slowly start developing but I'm not sure if I'm here for it. It's fun, their always laughing and Bethenny has a tendency to hit Sonja on the ass, but it's so clear that B needs someone to befriend and film with that isn't her driver after all the women have clearly washed their hands of her and the only one left is Sonja who needs friends just as bad as B does. As much as it's clearly a friendship of convenience I don't think it's bullshit but it just shows how far Bethenny has fallen from once being the Queen Bee, and that's no shade to Sonja because she's my favourite on this franchise but Bethenny went from exiling bitches and calling the shots to being the exiled with Lady Morgan.

 

While Sonja and Bethenny were rolling around on the floor slapping each other's asses, Tinsley was continuing to give me a migraine. I'm not joking, I had a slight headache before watching tonight's episode and Mugshot Mortimer's screechy voice did not help matters whatsoever. Everything with Tinsley is just so thirsty and dumb that it makes me want to fast forward through the scenes. She's like a chihuahua that won't shut the fuck up when the mailman drives past. This week the chihuahua was moving from her current hotel room to the penthouse of the same hotel so her boyfriend can live with her and pay $30,000 a month, wouldn't they be better off just to buy a house? Seriously, economically that's just irresponsible, stupid and a great way to drain that coupon money? She got some random gay friend, who probably worked at the hotel, to help take her clothes out of the oven where she was storing them Carrie Bradshaw style and sticky tape boxes just to put them in an elevator. There's no way in hell that Tinsley actually puts her clothes in her oven and she definitely stuffed them in there three minutes before the Bravo cameras showed up in an effort to be relatable and extra.

 

Apart from the cabaret planning and Tinsley trying her best to be extra for reality TV purposes, the only thing left in this episode was the speed dating which was just a chance for everyone to see Ramona on the prowl. The matchmaker wanted Carole to get with a guy in a red scarf, so naturally, the Singer Stinger used her sting to narrow in on him and drain the life out of his soul. Ramona is way too much on a good day but when she's participating in a round of speed dating it's a whole different story: her eyes are popping, she magically has a filter and she gives the guys a metaphorical rim job - and probably a real one if the dates successful. Ramona is the DEFINITION of a middle-aged cougar on the hunt for a man to slay and I am here for it. 

 

The plot twist was that Red Scarf was actually there for Bethenny, which means the producers definitely made Ramona go for him to make her look like an asshole and cause drama. While she tried to get Red Scarf to jump aboard her Ramona Coaster, Sonja spoke to her own guy about mothballs and then got verbally sexually assaulted by a very kinky drunk guy in a stained shirt. The men at the speed dating all seemed like middle-aged businessmen from New Jersey who probably have wives and enjoy the company of a transsexual hooker from time to time, I just hope Sonja went home with the kinky stained shirt guy because she needs a good spanking from a possible sociopath. Everyone knows crazy people give the best sex. Red Scarf tried to get Bethenny's attention and admitted he only went there for her which was creepy as fuck. Some would say romantic but couldn't he just call instead of doing it on TV? I'm getting major thirst vibes. His obsession with Bethenny frustrated Ramona and inflated Skinnygirl's ego, those two bitches hate each other but they had to put on their best Upper East Side dumb bullshit manners in front of their potential lay. Bethenny obviously didn't like him but she so would have fucked him just so Ramona couldn't and vice versa.

 

While everyone was flirting with the very average men, Tinsley decided to "invite everyone to Columbia," so I guess it's going to be "her trip" which is bullshit but of course we'll all play along. Do the producers just pick names out of a hat to decide which Housewife is going to be the "host" of each trip? Anyway, it's Tinsley's turn because she claimed to have been their ten times and the cast had to channel their best acting skills like they do on those terrible Bravo movie ads. This group is known for their lowkey love of cocaine so I hope they just get to enjoy some blow in the world's cocaine capital, they're going to need it because this trip looks like it's going to be a fucking mess and although I'm sad for the season to end I cannot wait to see the reality TV gold that this trip is going to give us, when an entire cast literally almost dies you know it's going to be good! 

 

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!

 

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