We all know what this episode is about: The Situation finally proposing to his girlfriend to show the judge, American judicial system and the general public that he is a changed man and has a fiance on the outside. None of this is new information. I'm sure he does love her deep down and isn't opposed to marriage but like I ALWAYS say, making a promise to marry someone is completely different than actually marrying someone. In this case I don't think Mike is scared to settle down at all, I think his partying days are over, his face is inflated and his hairline is on the decline so he needed to lock a bitch down as soon as he could, and I guess Lauren or Laurens as they all call her, was, in fact, that bitch.
For 90% of the episode, it was just the cast running around and helping Mike set up the proposal. I could have just fast forward to the last five minutes where the real action went down but I'm a committed recapper and I needed to check if there were any juicy moments at all, turns out there wasn't, it was just the meatballs tripping over themselves with flowers and getting drunk. So just a regular night but with a few roses. The only plot point of this episode I was actually invested in wasn't Mike's faux plan to lock down his girlfriend before he goes into lockdown, it was Ronnie's depressed state. We started with a montage of Ronnie's damaged relationship while Hallelujah played peacefully in the background. These editors should win an Emmy for that sequence alone! Obviously seeing Mike cheat isn't the best thing for Ron because we all know his situation. He's not meant to be with Jen and Jen isn't meant to be with him but somehow she poked a hole in his condom and the sperm found it's way to her eggs. Ron, this is why you don't fuck a THOT in Vegas!
He already confirmed that she cheated on him with her ex on a taco float on Cico de Mayo which he retaliated to by getting his dick sucked by a French Fry in the bathroom. Just from that sentence alone, I think anyone can tell that these two individuals aren't meant to be together or even co-exist. I'm #TeamRon, sue me. I've always had a soft spot for him and he's in an impossible situation whether he likes to admit it or not. He doesn't want to have a baby or stay together with this girl because she's a THOT and he's a man whore but she's nine months pregnant, so what is a man supposed to do? It turns out, wallow in his room all day. This relationship is just Sammi repeating itself, why couldn't he make it work with Malika, did he cheat on her too? For an entire season now we've talked about Ron and his unruly penis so there's not anymore that I can say. These two people need to break the fuck up, move away from each other and give that baby a life that isn't in Vegas. No child belongs in Vegas, even if its parent is on Jersey Shore.
In preparation for the big moment, the girls threw peddles around the house, while they set up a big projector and Pauly reverted back to his old DJ ways. I know that Mike needed to take his fiance out to dinner so that they would set everything up but he didn't do shit for this proposal. Jenni designed the ring, got it for him at a cheap cost, planned how he will propose and all the other Guidos helped set it up. All Mike had to do was stuff his face at the dinner before then get down on one knee. TV proposals don't make me cry because most of them don't even make it do a wedding and the ones that do end shortly after 72 days, but I can act like I'm happy for this couple, even though he'll most likely spend five years in the clink while her eggs get scrambled and she starts having an affair with her co-worker. Who wants to go five years without sex? Mike definitely won't because as soon as he drops the soap in the shower a big guy called Bubba is gonna slide right in.
Anyway, the editors tried to make it seem like the Guidos wouldn't have set up the backyard up in enough time but when Mike and his girlfriend arrived back at the house, the roses were scattered and everything was perfect. He led her into the backyard, they watched a cute photo video that Mike had made and then he got onto one knee and said the most generic proposal speech ever. How many guys can actually be the luckiest in the world? Someone needs to come up with a better speech. Surprise, surprise, she said yes so that Mike could officially make a good impression in front of the judge, who would definitely have been tuning into MTV religiously during this latest season.
After she said yes, they sat on chairs in the pool while their feet sat in the cold water. I literally cannot think of anything worse than having chilly waters below you while you crunch on a hard rainbow cookie. Couldn't they find some funfetti for Mike's fat ass? The group danced, gave the couple a Rimjob and then went to bed. I don't know what it is but I just don't give a fuck. I don't believe that Mike is a changed man so I could care less about his bullshit about how Lauren saved his life. Ugh. My head hurts from this very constructed reality TV moment. Maybe they can get married in a Vegas wedding for next season, where Elvis officiates and the rest of the cast can be in the bridal party even though none of them actually hang out or are friends with Mike and Lauren outside of the show. Ronnie's crazy baby mama could even crash it and try to kill him again, that would be a statement. Something has to make this engagement more interesting than it is.
The morning after the engagement Mike sent his new fiance's ass back to Jersey which confirmed my theory she was in on it the whole time. If you were newly engaged wouldn't you spend the whole next day fucking or at least hang around for 48 hours? Not just take your ring and head back to your one bedroom apartment in the tri-state area. Anyway, once the girl was gone and Mike's engagement was out of the way, the real Situation started to emerge after being repressed this whole trip. He may be covered in flab but underneath all of that is the real cunt of MVP. The Situation started shitting on Ronnie's situation much to the rest of the crew's disapproval and instead of hiding it JWOWW instigated a new feud to get Ronnie mad at Mike for talking shit because let's be real, Mike is a little bitch. His balls are in Lauren's purse and he may be good at shading people behind their backs but when they get into his face he's like a little mouse who's trying to run back into the hole in the wall.
Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!