Jersey Shore Recap: Same Bitch, Different Face

June 1, 2018

We started off with last week's cliffhanger which showed Angelina smugly sitting at the table while the three girls watched in horror as their mortal enemy, the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island, sat at their table, in their house, eating their food. Immediately the sisterhood sprinted upstairs to get away from Rob and his new lips, tackling Ronnie in the process because he was the first boy they could find to assault. 

 

Like a bad smell (probably from her vagina) Rob followed the girls into the room and sat on the bed claiming she wanted to redeem herself and make amends with the group. Are you fucking kidding me? We wait eight years for the Staten Island Dump to dock and now she's being nice. When you think of Angelina Pivarnick you think of fights, drama and cellulite - not saving lives or being a good person, coincidentally she is an EMT, who would have known? Can you imagine Rob saving your life with his truck driver voice and blown up fake lips? Now, that's a situation! During her faux nice behaviour, Snooki revealed that only a few months ago Rob was in the press saying she was ugly. Why is she obsessing over what she said three months ago and not what she's been saying for the last eight years in her job as a reality TV reject?

 

Everyone on this show has had work from Snooki's lips, to the Situation's puffy cheeks, to Deena's botched pussy - it's okay. And Rob can't talk with his complete new face- I find it weird that he got a changed everything except for his big nose, but I digress. As Rob sat on the bed trying to act as innocent as one can, Jenni asked the question we were all thinking: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE? Trust in JWOWW to take some names and kick some ass. Both Nicole and Jenni roasted Rob for a while and were mad that after all their years out of the spotlight she's only trying to "make amends" once they have their TV show back. Does she think their dumb? JWOWW declared that Rob was only back because he's a chew toy and if he's a chew toy then Jenni is a fucking pit bull. After the girls blow up on Rob which was reminiscent of letting Chinese fireworks off in your house, the stranger went to bed in the smoosh room which is probably the only place that has more cum on it than her. They don't call her the Staten Island ferry for nothing! 

 

Angelina or Rob or The Dump, depending on where you're from, has always played the victim and is good at changing the narrative to suit her and make it look like she is the one being attacked, which was pretty easy in this situation because she was literally the one being attacked - but for good reason! Same bitch, different face. However, Ronnie fell victim to her victim persona and invited her along to Meatball Day which is a day reserved for the Meatballs (Snooki, Ronnie and Deena) to get drunk and roll around and I'm pretty sure inviting a non-meatball is a violation of code 45 in the Meatball handbook, but I guess Ron and his laugh are bending the rules for Little Miss Staten Island. She isn't a meatball, she's more of a meatball that's been sat on and smooshed into a chair. Much to Snooki's dismay, they brought the resident smooshed meatball and her new face along where they finally settled what shit Rob had said to the press about Snooki's face. 

 

After googling through a cocktail waitress' phone and eating up her data, Snooki found out that Angelina didn't literally say she was ugly but implied it very strongly. I just don't understand why Snooki and JWOWW would need to make up with her? They knew her for five minutes nearly a decade ago and all she's done is talk trash about them in the press because she's jealous they got rich and famous and she didn't, so why would they need to be friends with the backstabbing troll? Anyway, Snooki got drunk and forgave her by rolling around the floor with her like a true meatball. According to Nicole, meatballing is a way of life and consists of fitting into small spaces and telling it like it is, words to live by. 

 

When they got back to the house a very drunk Snooki and Deena announced their new friendship with Rob which annoyed Jenni. Can't they just hate her? Why be friends? At the end of the day, JWOWW has a family with two adorable children and a juicehead gorilla husband which makes her beef with Angelina redundant, so she forgave the Staten Island troll but was obviously sleeping with one eye open because you don't know what the fuck she's up to. For some reason, Drunk Deena decided she wasn't getting enough camera time and just started crying about being annoying? I don't know but a drunk crier is not someone anyone wants to be around. Who wants to hear sniffling and tears when you're trying to turn up? She got even worse after Ron pushed her meatball ass in the pool which made her think everyone was picking on her which prompted Angelina to self-sacrifice and got Ron to push her in the pool, just to make her feel better. Maybe Rob isn't that bad after all if he's willing to get his makeup ruined just to cheer up a crying meatball? 

 

Although they got IV drips as a group and everyone finally decided to give her a chance, her fight with Vinny about Staten Island women sounding like drunk drivers pushed Pauly D over the edge and decided that the bitch had to go. Angelina rejoining the show was fun in theory because everyone would brawl and it would be just like old times but this new Namaste Angelina was boring. She may actually be a nice person now but no one really wants to spend weeks on end with her in their house because she's still a stranger, so the group unanimously voted her off the island in a secret meeting.

 

Just as Angelina was gleaming at the thought of possibly being apart of the family, Jenni had to break the news they wanted her the fuck out of their house but that they'd want to get to know her on the outside, which is the worst thing you can say to a reality TV thirst whore. But it's the only way to determine if she wants fame or friendship and I think we all know she's only back for the cameras and Instagram followers. Telling her to leave with the option of friendship on the outside is a total fuck you to her without breaking the fourth wall because it's saying: if you want to make amends, make them, but don't do it on our fucking show. If she really wants to be friends she should try off the show, but we all know that's not going to happen. 

 

Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!

 

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