Shade of the Week: Brangelina

May 31, 2018

These two win the award for being the messiest behind the scenes boughy white couple in Hollywood. Yes, there are so many hot mess relationships in Hollywood but these two just have rich people problems which are fun and redundant to watch at the same time. Who doesn't love to drink their scandalous lemon flavoured tea?


Ever since Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie hooked up on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith in the early 2000s their relationship has been filled with scandal due to the fact that he already had a wife, you know, Jennifer Aniston? Following their affair, “Brangelina” had emerged as a power couple until they finally called it quits in 2016 to the surprise of everyone - except me. While everyone was fawning over their relationship, her new UN persona and his hippie long hair phase, I just couldn't get on board because it was a marriage built out of home wrecking. 


Their six kids are currently under Ang’s custody while they work out their agreement about the children, which seems to be the latest drama in Brangelina's lives. She wants to take the kids with her while she films Maleficent in London and Brad's mad because he doesn't want his kids gone that long. The fuck why? He should be ecstatic that he has a few months off from that around the world mess and he can just sit around, smoke weed and fuck any girl he wants without having the feeling of the kids running back to tell their mom what daddy is really doing in his post-divorce life while she plays with her Brad voodoo doll. 


He also allegedly wants joint custody of the children, which Ang definitely doesn't want to happen. Having six kids would be a pain in the ass, no matter how much you love them and the youngest is only 9-years-old, so that family has a LOOONG way to go with all this custody mess. Maybe Brad and Ang should split the kids down the middle and take three each. Line them up against the wall and pick teams like it's dodgeball, we all know Knox will be the last pick, or as I like to call him: the forgotten Jolie-Pitt. If you think about it all the kids have their own schtick. Pax, Maddox and Sahara are all adopted so they are automatically interesting, Vivienne's the cute baby girl, Shiloh is the trans one and then you just have Knox there in the background. 


Angelina is a spiteful bitch and will do everything she can to make sure Brad stays the fuck away from their children. She's probably still mad about his drug use, their breakup and how he came out as the MVP of the relationship after their split. Brad is still relevant. He's at award shows, flirting with MILFs at school pick up and producing TV shows. But what the fuck is Angelina up to? The only tea I've heard is that she's back on heroin and in a lesbian relationship with her nanny, which both come from shady blind items. Maybe she's tried her best to keep her life out of the limelight which is good for her, but not for the court of public opinion. I can see her now seething from the kids telling her about "daddy's new girlfriend."


My main problem with Angie is that we haven't really heard her speak in a few years. Can you remember the last interview she did? I'm all for sitting in your mansion and lying under the radar but at least provide us with some kind of tea while you're doing it. Big lips isn't even on Instagram! She made a very rare appearance at the Golden Globes which was well publicised when she lowkey refused to look at Jen who was up on the stage, who really is the real winner in all of this. Miss Aniston is just sitting back, crunching on her vegan popcorn while in the downward dog position in her Bel Air mansion untouched by six annoying children, with a strong acting career and a good reputation that isn't going anywhere. This is Jen's aveeno skin world and we are just living in it. 


As for Brangelina, they need to sort their shit out, whether they split their international family up on a custody schedule or Angie keeps them full time I couldn't care less but they have a long way to go before they never have to interact with each other again. It seems the only time we actually see their kids is when they're walking through an airport so that must have some serious frequent flyer miles. Couldn't Ang just sent them on a United flight to Brad for a couple days while she's in London and he just flies them back? Ugh. She needs to spill some tea and Brad needs to let her deal with the six kids on a daily basis because that would be anything but fun. That's how he can get his real revenge for her trying to shade him in the media with that whole FBI investigation! 


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