Vanderpump Rules Reunion Recap: Anxiety Blowjobs

May 22, 2018

After the final part of the reunion filled with walk-offs, gaslighting and bizarre pasta shots, I think I'm finally ready to say goodbye to the SURvers. Although dramatically the Pump Rules reunions are always entertaining, they are annoying as fuck to recap because Andy "changes gears" every three seconds. Maybe I should implement a new reunion drinking game where I take a shot every time the host uses his overused phrase because I would be HAMMERED by the end. 

 

Stassi's fake storyline of being the event planner for SUR was a main topic of discussion and judging by everyone's sly grins and Sandoval's anger towards her new job position, there's something we aren't being told. Watching from home we could all tell her new "career" was for the cameras and as much as she tries to explain she chose event planning to be more like Lisa Vandepump, I'd like to think we're all a lot smarter than that. Another fake career move amongst the group was Jax's job offer. The Man Whore Who Cried Wolf seemed to only bring up the "job opportunity" in Tampa, to gain sympathy and feel loved from his friends within the entire group who hated him, which is sneaky as fuck. Jax's brain constantly must be churning out ways that he can gain attention for himself because the only thing he loves more than vagina is attention. Actually, maybe attention trumps pussy because like Andy always says: a hole is a hole. 

 

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Since the PASTA episode aired Lala and James' friendship took a decline because he referred to "her man" as old and fat. Well, he is considerably older than Lala but we haven't seen any paparazzi photos of him on a beach in Cannes, so it's hard to determine if he's fat as well. "Rand" as Lala refers to him seems to be a tad controlling and is the reason behind the two friends relationship being over. Of course, James and handless sneezes shouldn't have said those things about his best friend's boyfriend which obviously came from a place of jealousy because he's in love with her. The British import can deny it as many times as he wants but we all know when he's ploughing Raquel (or Logan) he's really picturing Lala in the back of their heads. Erika Jayne Jr stormed off the set because of the beef and made a partially dramatic situation even more dramatic when 70% of the group followed her into the toilet. 

 

Kristen "Suck A Dick" Doute, my lord and saviour, unfortunately, dated the DJ for a considerable amount of time which is depressing to think about but it also makes her an expert on all things James Kennedy. Of course, when she gives her opinion it's like hearing from your drunk aunt who probably should stay in her place, but it's good opinion nonetheless. As Lala stormed off and James acted like a 3-year-old, Kristen tried to share her opinion and LVP told her to shut up. Lisa shutting Kristen down is a staple at these reunions but I'm so fucking over it. LVP, actually LVC, always thinks she's better than the formerly crazy cast member and treats her like dirt, which isn't okay because Kristen "Suck A Dick" Doute carried this show for years when she was cheating with Jax, having sex on Beamers and trying to ruin Sandoval and Ariana's relationship. Kristen is the most underrated of the bunch and seriously deserves to be apart of the action more next season. 

 

My mini-rant aside, Lala and the cast returned to the stage where the DJ apologised and for once it appeared to be genuine. Underneath Lala's faux New York gangster vibe she's secretly a sweetheart so I know she will invite James back into her life, whether he deserves it or not. 

 

Much of this reunion was full of Jax regretting his past mistakes and "hating himself" for treating Brittany and many of the other cast members like shit, but the only area of discussion where he continued to channel his cunty behaviour was the Kristen and James hookup rumour. He denied spreading the rumour (even though he admitted it 26 minutes earlier, thanks Bravo) then he said that they did hook up. Obviously, we all saw the subtitled tape where James admitted to only "hanging out" with Kristen and their relationships could've been destroyed as a result but of course Jax couldn't care less. Kristen finally got her well-deserved screen time and told Jax and his anime sidekick Sandoval to suck her dick in all her glory. I could die right now and my life would be fulfilled if Kristen told me to suck her or anyone else's dick. 

 

RELATED: Vanderpump Rules Season 6 Reunion Fashion Roundup

 

Nothing much else happened in the final reunion part. Stassi has successfully moved on from Patrick with a new Schwartz-esque guy named Beau who is the complete opposite of her old pretentious boyfriend. Lala claimed she sucks on a bottle because like flicking a rubber band or putting ice in your mouth, it helps with her anxiety when she can't find a dick to suck. How would sucking on a dick help with anyone's anxiety? Where's the scientific evidence to back that up? Who knew that she needs emergency anxiety blowjobs to keep her sane. 

 

Scheana admitted to only watching her own scenes, which shouldn't surprise anyone because she is, well, Scheana. Of course, she used her Vegas show as an excuse but it's 40 minutes of her week, she can't find the time to watch a 40-minute episode on her plane ride to Vegas or when she's working out? It's almost become cool for reality stars to pretend they are too busy to watch their own shows (Bethenny Frankel) but like Kristen reminded her, it's just unprofessional. After this reunion, Scheana seems alienated as fuck and I'm sure that next season will be full of her playing the victim and bragging about her annoying single life. Can you imagine Scheana Shay cumming? Holy shit, that is probably what they use to torture people in North Korean prison camps.

 

As for the rest of the group, everyone wants to stay with their significant other "forever," the Schwartz-Maloney's are planning on introducing Bubba Jrs into the world (please be their storyline next season) and Jax and Brittany claim to be in a better place than ever. After the last 24 episodes I've dissected their annoying relationship endlessly but if he has been reformed since his dad's death and she wants to stay with him after he cheated on her and treated her like a piece of shit on the ground then that's their choice. Let's just hope it's for real because although this season was EXTREMELY juicy, I'm not sure if I can take another round of them fighting nonstop. Who am I kidding, of course I am. And just like that, LVP ended the reunion like she does all of them, claiming to love "each and every one "of the SURver's (except for Kristen, of course) and everyone did a pasta shot to celebrate the end of a very, very long day. Are you kidding me Andy? After 19 hours of sitting on bar stools this group need vodka shots not carbs. 

 

Vanderpump Rules returns later this year on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

 

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