Jersey Shore Recap: Guido Bachelor

May 18, 2018

Although Mike, Vinny and Pauly claim to be the MVP's of the show, Jenni "JWOWW" Farley is the real cast member who's deserving of that title. Since day one Jenni and her extensions have kept it real with everyone in the house by being a genuinely nice person with a gangster alter ego that will put everyone back into their place when needed. Jenni is probably the one cast member who could go to prison and get through it (sorry Mike!) she is a boss ass bitch and clearly wouldn't have a problem exchanging Roger's Italian sausage for a fish taco for a select amount of time. She's rarely stepped a foot wrong during her decade on TV and is the Italian mother we all need in our lives. Aside from her horrible blonde extensions from season one and questionable tattoos, I can't find one thing to fault about the partially violent cast member.

 

However, not even JWOWW's mothering skills could talk sense into Ronnie's thick skull. I half feel sorry for RAHN but then I imagine his daughter binge watching MTV's reruns of the show in 12 years from now and it fills me with joy. That's a reality show in itself.  

 

The group headed to a strip club, yet again, to turn up with their Guido extraness but instead of the boys getting their dicks wet, it was the girls who really enjoyed the fruits of the stripper's labour. JWOWW's face was submerged in ass for the better part of the night while Snooki crawled around the floor stealing the stripper's well-deserved tips. Is MTV not paying her enough she needs to rob the strippers? The only excuse for crawling on the floor of a strip club is to hide from a  mass shooter or your significant other, there's no other reason to possibly risk a staph infection or break a nail. Nicole ended up taking the excessive number of $1 bills out of her bag and gave them back to their rightful owner, the stripper named Sugar. As for Deena, I have no idea what she got up to at the club. Was she even there? I love my meatballs but it's easy to forget that Deena, her nasal voice and rompers are on the show sometimes. Seriously, who can get drunk in that many rompers and not flash their cookie at least once?

 

Surprisingly Ronnie managed to keep his dick in his pants and his fingers out of any nearby vaginas in this episode, so it was Vinny's turn to take one for the team and possibly fuck up his relationship, just as the male meatball has done this whole season. On an MVP outing, Vinny drank way too much on his new no carbs diet and got way too horny at the club. He fell victim to his weakness of big asses and started chatting up a bottle service girl he deemed to be the Hot Britney Spears. Is Britney Spears not hot or is Vinny just stuck in 2007? Not only did Vinny hug HBS but he got her number and drunkenly confessed he wanted to dump his girlfriend and marry her. VIN STAP! It's not like he ploughed her in the club or got his dick sucked in the bathroom, but obviously, he crossed the line just for a good ass and a Hot Britney Spears. Did this group start off as cheaters or does the alcohol give them cheating tendencies? What came first: cunty behaviour or vodka? 

 

Like an idiot, Vinny did the right thing and called his girlfriend who was still sitting home in Staten Island with a bad attitude from the last time he called her with the news that he tried to save a stripper. The Superman of strippers told his girlfriend he got the bottle service girl's numbers but justified it by saying he got them from two girls, not one, which makes it better? I don't know. I didn't take Guido math in high school. At least Vinny bit the bullet and confessed his sins now and didn't wait four months for his significant other to find out through MTV on Jerzdays, not talking about anyone in particular (Ronnie Ortiz-Magro.) A really good way to not have to explain your potentially cunty behaviour to your girl is to not commit acts which could make you look like a cheater, but then this would be Sesame Street and not Jersey Shore. Can you imagine a crossover between those two shows? Holy fuck. Elmo would be shook. 

 

Along with bouncing around as blue meatballs in the backyard, the group also made a collective goal to help find Pauly D a wife. Snooki's plan was to cruise the streets of Miami to find a few women willing to compete for her single friend's love in their own version of the Guido Bachelor (I smell a spinoff coming!) The girls yelled from their car while the boys made carwash signs to try and attract the sexy women of Miami's attention but all they could find were lesbians, 12-year-olds and a pregnant girl. So far, I think Sex Doll Sammi Sweetheart is Pauly's best chance of falling in love at the shore. As a result of their failed mission, the group decided to do what Mike does and bake a cake to lift their spirits. The Situation should be renamed The Diabetician (eh, it's a weak joke, I know) because his new food addition may be good for his mind and soul but the drugs were good for our reality TV viewing needs and his GTL body. Popeye used to be the douchy quarterback but now he's the fat kid no one wants to sit with at lunch.

 

Due to his love of cake, he ruined the surprise and told Pauly about the group's plan of giving him baked goods so he then expected a cake AND a bitch. However, the group managed to scrummage together and gave the DJ the person he's wanted since the moment he walked into the house. Vinny, I mean, Victoria. Vinny transitioned into a woman with Sex Doll Sammi Sweetheart's dress and wig which didn't necessarily look bad. In the vintage Jersey Shore days their cardinal rule was to stay away from "trannys" at all costs but after weeks of Pauly ending his night with his right hand, I don't think he would let a penis get in the way of a hot date. Let's hope Vinny and Pauly can live happily ever after because two late in life gay cast member's would make Ronnie's cheating storyline seem like Downtown Abbey and let's face it, the two guys together were always a better couple than Ronnie and Sammi. 

 

Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!

 

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