RHONY Recap: Eyelash Twins

May 17, 2018

Before I dive into the bitchy antics of this group, I have to address the humanitarian faction of this episode. Say what you want about Bethenny Frankel and her abrasive personality but she is making miracles happen for the hurricane survivors and authentically helping them. You can clearly see Bethenny used the trip to raise awareness for the issue months after we all forgot about it and not to promote herself or help her public image. This shit is fucking real and you can't fake that ugly crying face that Miss Frankel brought out every time she talked to another Puerto Rican. These people are living in total poverty with nothing and missing relatives so promoting it on a reality show is a good reminder to help the unfortunate victims of this terrible crisis because the US government is doing fuck all right now to fix it. 

 

Now let's get into the snark of it all. Once Bethenny and Dorinda returned from their charitable trip, they went back to their privileged lives in New York. Can we spare a moment to think about what would've happened if Ramona Singer accompanied Bethenny on the trip? Holy fucking shit. The hurricane would seem like a slight breeze compared to the monstrosity of Ramona Singer washing up on the island. She would have made half the people carry her bags, tried to offensively speak Spanish and failed, then given passive-aggressive advice to all the people who have no ceiling or running water. As horrible as it would have been for the island of Puerto Rico, The Singer Stinger in a third world country is always a  priceless cringe-worthy moment for us at home. 

 

Lu's latest storyline is her renewing her marriage to music in the form of a cabaret show after her marriage with Tom didn't work out. To prepare for the event she had a meeting with a fabulous gay guy who is basically the New York equivalent of Erika Jayne's Mikey Minden but with more Broadway showmanship and less filler. Mikey hasn't met an injectable he didn't like. Luann sang a sexual rendition of "Happy Birthday" with her cigar stained pipes and it was better than her old days of singing badly written pop songs, cabaret is for the Countess. I'm not sure if the Countess was drunk during her meeting with her gay or if they've fucked once before, but I definitely felt a Sonja vibe coming from this situation, however, I'm sure Lu has more than enough gentlemen callers that can occupy her time that she doesn't have to rely on Gays to fill her box. 

 

Carole has a new job writing for Cosmopolitan and her first article is about the #MeToo movement. Did anyone else get flashbacks of when Carrie Bradshaw got her job at Vogue and then her boss tried to fuck her? I swear those two women are the same person with their witty jokes, weird fashion sense and boney facial structures. Carole acts like Carrie from the 90s but looks like 2018 SJP when she's had a bad morning. 

 

Speaking of the wannabe Carrie Bradshaw, her face is starting to look like a character from an animated Tim Burton movie, the blonde hair is washing her out and her new "edgy" fashion sense looks like an angry lesbian set her clothes on fire. What the fuck is going on with her? I understand it took her six years to find her voice but I'm not liking what I'm hearing. Carole used to be the smart, witty, quiet cast member with a good understanding of the group and cheeky sense of humour but now she's nothing more than an older, more negative caricature of her former self. I don't know if her beef with Bethenny is the reason for her new sense of self or if it's part of the reason for their new feud. What came first, the chicken or the egg?

 

After a few episodes of the former BFFs throwing passive aggressive shade at one another and hinting at some kind of rift, their tensions were brought out in an indirect way after Bethenny decided to stand up for Sonja against the Eyelash Twins who suddenly became the cool mean girls of the show. Who died and made Mugshot Mortimer and Carole Radziville the new queens? Those two eyelash obsessed snoozefests are definitely at the bottom of the RHONY totem poll. The truth of the matter is that Tinsley Mortimer had no career, no friends and no dignity when she returned to New York last year and Sonja was her "in" to get on the show, without her dumb introduction as Lady Morgan's houseguest she wouldn't be a Real Housewife or the future Mrs Coupon Cabin. Even if she hates Sonja, she at least has to give credit where credit is due and respect her for giving her a fucking apple to chew on. And I'm not even 100% sure why she hates her, because she said her boyfriend funds her lifestyle? Either it's her chubby boyfriend or her family who's paying $10,000 a month for her rent because the Bravo checks definitely don't reach that far, so it's not like Sonja is lying. 

 

However, the real problem isn't between Sonja and Tinsley, it's between Bethenny and Carole. Whenever B would try and make a point for Sonja, Mugshot would screech and the Carrie Bradshaw wannabe would mutter an excuse under her breath to defend her new friend to her old one. Naturally, Bethenny clapped back harshly at Carole for butting into the conversation but you could see the anger in her eyes was about more than Carole's annoying habits of talking when she's not wanted and using B's old catchphrases against her. Side note: Who gave Carole the copyrights to use "Get Off My Jock"? There are lots of old resentments coming out in indirect channels. Bethenny accused her of not having her own voice and only backing up who she's sitting next to whether it's Heather, herself, or now Tinsley (facts), but obviously it didn't bother her when she was standing up for her over the last three seasons. 

 

Surely enough Bethenny confided in Dorinda the real reason behind their disconnect is that she asked Carole's barely legal boo, Adam, to cook for the hurricane survivors in Houston but he refused after he found out he wouldn't be paid. That's low. These people have nothing and now this vegan chef is trying to make some money off supplying them with relief? That makes me more uncomfortable than picturing him plough Carole and that speaks volumes. Bethenny didn't stop there and also claimed their lack of shared interests also contributed to her divide with Carole due to Miss Radziwill having no husband, children or career. Even though B spent time in Puerto Rico I'm pretty sure she developed a vitamin D deficiency from all the shade she threw the skeleton's way. 

 

No one is loving this beef more than Ramona who almost had an orgasm when she invented the story that Bethenny had called Carole a puppet during the dinner. I literally think I saw something dripping down the Ramona Coaster's leg. Everything B said was very synonymous with how'd you describe a puppet but those exact words never came out of her mouth. The Singer Stinger is at her best when she's not even involved in the drama but still tries to instigate when she can. 

 

Despite the shit talking about their relationship, the former besties seemed to be in a  good place at what was truly the strangest party in the show's history. Carole's friend Duff, who had a lesbian goth vibe and strange on-screen presence, wrote a book about chronic pain and the party was it’s launch? I think? There were about 7.5 additional guests in the room that weren't paid by Bravo along with a vodka fountain and weird artwork. Are the producers just running out of ideas for parties? Duff was a character in her own right and was described by Carole as the best girl she'd ever met in New York and the two had a bizarre energy with each other. As they edged closer to one another and got nervously hot under their collars, in true Carrie Bradshaw fashion, I couldn't help but wonder, did Duff eat Carole's muff? 

 

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!

 

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