Southern Charm Recap: Shepnanigans

May 11, 2018

While most of the Charmer's have mailbox money and others spend their day riding along cobble-street roads trying to induce labour, a large majority of the cast has hustle to afford their bright pastel coloured suits and large bar tab. The good thing about this show is we get to see people work, well sort of. 

 

The resident sewer and elderly woman of the group, Craig, met with the one cast member who can relate to his more mature hobbies: Patricia. The headmistress of Southern Charm was living her best life, playing with her two pooches full of fluff when Craig was welcomed into her living room by her butler Michael. Can we give her butler his own spinoff? Or at least strap a go pro to his head and make it a digital series on BravoTV.com because that man would have stories to tell. Shady Pat, in her regal dog infused attire, issued Craig with the responsibility to practice his sewing ability and sew dog cushions for her animal printing clothing line. This was delightful news to Craig's "up and coming artist" ears. I'm sure Pat's checks are big but being an established lawyer would make Mr Conover more money. He officially passed the bar and is the most qualified person on this show, so why is he spending his time sewing and gardening? Hey what do I know, maybe there's money to made as a seamstress. 

 

Another member of the group who decided to reimmerse herself into the workforce was Kathryn, who applied for a job working as a sales assistant in a department store. That's probably a suitable job when you're an average, working class, single mother but she is a reality star. Couldn't she get her own QVC line, launch a makeup line, write a parenting blog, work in a dog boutique with Peyton or anything else? I'm not sure how working at a department store would provide anything more than a silly storyline. Her interview was tragic with the partial redhead umming and uhhing through the entire process about "difficult" questions like "how do you handle stress" and "how would you contribute to the store." I'm always hoping for Kathryn to win but she didn't get the job. Can you imagine passing through you're favourite store and seeing Kathryn Dennis scanning your clothes after you just watched her on TV the night before? No, ma'am. 

 

Austen is developing his own beer which he should be an expert at by this point because his liver has some serious damage shown through many flashbacks. He found a brewing company to produce the beer for him to distribute which seems like a smart move. You do you, Mr Kroll! The showered Shep has potential to do great things which makes me upset when he decides to drink all day, chase girls around Charleston and revert into a Shep-like lifestyle and trust me, no one wants to be Shep. Sure he's funny, charming and strangely intellectual but he's also pushing 40 and has a serious case of the Ravenel-Peter-Pan syndrome. Would you really want to still be ploughing barely legal girls when you have fake teeth and sciatica? 

 

The two alpha males of the show (sorry Craig) are once again competing for Chelsea's love and attention after Austen dated her and Shep tried to drunkenly feel her up. I like Chelsea but do we really know anything about her? She's a hairdresser, she went fishing with her dad, she's always over the drama and she dated Austen...? What else? I understand she's the newest cast member but Naomie is more deserving of a full-time spot than Chelsea's mundane Cameron-esque behaviour. Eh.

 

Shep got up to his usual Shepnanigans by trashing Austen to Chelsea by telling her that her ex was getting with women all over town as he was doing two years ago. Umm, Shep was probably doing that two days ago, fuck, probably two hours ago. Shep's attempt to get closer to Chelsea by shit talking his friend was not only a clear sign he has no bro-code but that he's a cunt. Chelsea saw this as a challenge for Austen to "man up" and confront Shep for his bullshit but his showered counterpart wasn't able to successfully complete Chelsea's covert mission and officially ended their will-they-won't-they relationship. I don't understand why that was the task Austen needed to complete to win her back because standing up to Shep isn't like he's curing cancer. If she wants a real man she should date The Rock or Juicy Joe because it seems to be slim pickings in Charleston.

 

Naomie's French dad even got his hustle on, opening a new restaurant and used Bravo as the perfect advertisement. The grownup Gia Giudice conversed with her dad in French and unless it's a drunk Dorinda Medley, I don't want to see subtitles on my screen. They make me mentally tune out.

 

Although it was Naomie's dad's night, the main focus was on The Hot Mess Express that is Kathryn and Thomas' relationship. After Thomas' girlfriend, Ashley did her makeup while sitting in a sink, the serial sex offender and overall perve took his fame whore of a girlfriend to the opening and disgusted everyone within a 25 feet radius of them. Not only did Thomas flirt in French with Kathryn and talk about cleaning up a large amount of cum with his handkerchief which was truly the weirdest exchange I've ever seen, he did it in front of his girlfriend. Are they swingers or something? What a pig. I don't like Ashley and her gold digging ways but even she deserves better than this utter asshole, but obviously, she's okay with it because she's getting money and a spot on a reality show.

 

Ever since the sexual misconduct allegations broke I feel disgusted and uncomfortable watching him on my screens. Can Bravo fire him midseason and just erase him from this show because my skin crawls whenever his squinty eyes and wrinkly skin are present on my screen. After the baggy knee tried to flirt with his baby mama, he then continued the party by making out with Ashley with a queasy audience. I want him to throw up in a hoodie so then he can wear it all over his geriatric face. The main triumph of this season has been Kathryn becoming an active and accepted member of the group while Thomas is pushed to the side with nothing but his thirsty girlfriend and accumulating sexual assault offences.  Ravenel is going down if not in the court of law but the court of public opinion and I'm going to be sitting with my popcorn and juicy tea watching every move.

 

Southern Charm airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Charleston gang. 

 

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