The SURvers reunion fashion is so hard to rank compared to the Housewives because not only is it a mixed cast of boys and girls but all the ladies are basically wearing the same booby dress in different variations. The outfits go well with the sexy set and while it’s the only reunion where Andy allows himself to wear jeans, the regular cast members went all out for this year’s sit down. I love a theme but I can tell if this is the Forever 21 bubble gum stripper line or a Monday for this crew. Get the TEA on all the Vanderpump fashion below!
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11. James Kennedy
I believe the phrase is: meh. Men’s fashion is boring enough but this look is underwhelming, to say the least. His “salmon” top pairs well with this navy suit but it just blends in with his pale skin tone and makes him look like a Sandoval wannabe mixed with a flaccid penis. This isn’t a LEWK but it’s also men’s fashion. What do you want me to say?
10. Katie Maloney
Aw bubba! Mrs Maloney-Schwartz tried. This dress isn’t bad but I just can’t find a fuck to give about it. The velvet look is a bit too short, the hair is tired and the excess amount of crosses around her neck look like she’s trying to ward off the devil, which was probably her attempt to make sure Tequila Katie didn’t make an appearance at this reunion.
9. Tom Schwartz
I’ve never seen Tom Schwartz dress more like Tom Schwartz. From the 70s-flower-power-psychedelic shirt to his jeans to his I-woke-up-like-this hair, he’s definitely staying true to his dad bod persona. If anyone else turned up in jeans to a reunion they’d be crucified but Mr Schwartz can get away with it on account of his boyish charm and smart wit. I’m just surprised everyone managed to make him pop an actual pair of shoes on and cover his toes!
8. Brittany Cartwright
I can’t decide if Brittany should be working a double shift at Hooters in this dress or on a red carpet, which is kind of the vibe you want to give off at these reunions. Her bright orange almost hoe dress pairs well with her freshly spray tanned skin and whimsical hair. It’s nice for Kentucky but there are definitely some people who gave us more. I’ll just be surprised if we don’t see a nip slip from one of her knockers in that skin tight dress.
7. Scheana Shay
Scheana’s dress, like many of them, looks exactly like Brittany’s but with a blue colour and velvet texture and like all of those dresses it’s okay. That’s it. It matches her dark hair and new face but it looks the way Rob feels about her: empty and withdrawn. This dress is just a Tuesday for Miss Shay. I wonder if the seven-minute it man even sewed it for her?
6. Stassi Schroeder
This is probably one of the only grown-up looks amongst a cast who’s outfits consist of bright stripper dresses and rented suits. Stassi’s short new do goes well with her structured black dress and gives her a sense of seniority. However, the dress is way too long, an awkward length and looks uncomfortable as fuck. This adult look is very Stassi and she didn’t come to play rent-a-hoe with these other ladies.
5. Jax Taylor
Who would have thought Jax Taylor would be toward the better half of this list? Yes, men’s fashion is boring and no one cares but I like this suit. Although he’s been inside of 90% of women this side of the boulevard, he looks mature and dapper in this dark and well-fitting suit. The serial cheater could be James Bond with his philandering ways and impressive suit game! Congratulations on doing one thing right Jax!
4. Tom Sandoval
Say what you want about the resident anime character but he knows how to wear a mother fucking suit - and a dress if need be. Fewer people are excited about many things as I imagine Sandoval to be as excited about dressing up at the reunion. The fashionista opted for a dark suit with white squares and it's everything DJ James Kennedy's look wanted to be. Tom also pairs perfectly when matched with his girlfriend Ariana, do you think these two coordinated? It's Tom Sandoval, of fucking course they did.
3. Ariana Madix
Does Ariana look like people would be doing shots off her abs? Yes. Do I love this look and want to tape it to my wall like a twelve-year-old? Fuck yes. As boring and dull as some of you say she is, no one can deny that Ariana Madix is hotter than balls on a summers day. This hot pink dress is gorgeous and I love the sexy cut out in the middle. I can't fault this look. Slay bish!
2. Kristen Doute
Another example of a grown-up dress and who would have guessed that Kristen "Suck A Dick" Doute would be providing us with it? Times are a changing! Her long, lean figure looks sexy in the blue flowy dress and matches well with her choppy do and plunging gold chains. It looks like all the other strippers dresses on the stage grew up and became a mom because it has the right amount of slutty but looks adult as fuck. Good for you Doute, my lord and saviour.
1. Lala Kent
Her Instagram handle is Give Them Lala and the bitch GAVE US LALA! She knows how to serve sexy with just one look and her body is perfect in this long, tight brown dress like she's a sexy stick of cocoa butter. I literally cannot fault it. Like Stassi and Kristen's looks, Lala seems to have graduated out of her young THOT outfits and into a mother fucking women. She's utterly beautiful and I can't think of one bitchy thing to say. She did that!
Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA