Thursday is the night of two assholes: Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Thomas Ravenel. Both men have been embroiled in a scandal this week, whether it be physically fighting their girlfriend on Instagram or sticking fingers where they shouldn't go. The first episode in the night of two assholes didn't need to happen, all it consisted of was a series of creepy mumbled phone conversations between Ronnie and his baby mama, and Vinny getting two haircuts. It was a nothing burger but it perfectly set up next week's arrival of Jen "Taco Fucker" Harley. I cannot wait.
In light of all the drama, Ronnie has been involved in during the last few days it definitely makes it even better watching the show knowing what we know now. After Popeye's girlfriend informed Ron that the Instagram video only showed him twirling the French fry, the serial cheater started denying any and all suspicious behaviour he committed - even though he ADMITTED to cheating earlier that day. Does he not see the sweaty film crew with cargo shorts holding their massive cameras in his face? His cover-up consisted of him claiming he was "doing salsa" in the club and the bathroom door automatically locking, even though MTV gave us a flashback of him saying "let's see if the door locks." It's just TOO good! Ronnie is fucked at this point, he can't explain away blatant facts and video footage of a French THOT audibly sucking his dick, but it's so good trying to see him dodge the truth.
Little Miss Taco finally answered the phone, after a day of Ronnie attempting to call her, and he ratted himself out for everything, forgetting he denied any wrongdoing three seconds before, while all the men sat around eating air popcorn enjoying watching Ronnie fuck himself. He then got mad that she wasn't mad at him, even though she didn't know what he was even talking about. How does his brain work because that was the dumbest strategy ever - it has to be in his penis, that's the only logical explanation. Wouldn't you just keep quiet until she brought up the cheating video AND wouldn't you not get mad at her for not knowing what the fuck is going on? Taco obviously didn't know about the Instagram video but probably had a dick inside her as she was on the phone with him, so she understandably didn't care too much about the situation.
The Brick and Taco's phone conversations were the worst and just consisted of inaudible mumble between the two and uninterested one-word answers. How the fuck did they last for a year? I felt dirty watching their awkward phone encounters, it was like when you're trying to get your grandma or drunk aunt or your uncle who's in prison off the phone so you can go play Xbox. Ronnie also admittedly knew nothing about his baby mama when asked a series of questions by the girls, which just further shows that:
1. They shouldn't be together
2. The only thing they have in common is they both breathe air and have a shared love of sex and/or cocaine
Even The Situation tried to give Ronnie life advice that he obviously didn't take because look where we are now. When your life is more toxic and fucked up than someone who may be going to federal prison in a few months, I think it's time to reevaluate.
Ronnie is fucking terrible at relationships. He sucks more than Snooki, Deena and Jenni's mouths did during the first few seasons of the show. Although Ronnie's denial of being a cunt is annoying, his dumbness and utter stupidity make it hard not to just laugh at him. I'm not mad at Ronnie because these two both knew what they were doing when they got together. Obviously, the majority of the population think he's a cheating pig, which he is, but without this cheating pig, the only thing happening on the show would be Mike eating Doritos in the kitchen and Vinny complaining about his identical unnoticeable haircut.
In the midst of Ronnie's troubled time, the guys decided to go on a "Boys Night" which probably wasn't the best idea considering one of the boys cheated on his pregnant girlfriend at the club two days earlier. However, Deena crashed the party and invited herself to come along which angered all the guido men. Fuck, the little meatball can be annoying. Side note: can you imagine what her snatch looks like? I feel like it would resemble a cottage cheese slip and slide. No tea, no shade. Along with a drinking too much, falling over onto her face at the club twice, she then jumped on a table and - you guessed it - fell the fuck off, and blamed Vinny. She fell off the table like the greasy, delicious meatball she is was rolling off a plate and it was a beautiful sight when her vagina nearly fell out for the world to see. Drunk Deena is a fucking psycho.
Little Miss Meatball made everyone leave the club early due to her meatball rolling ways then cried in the taxi because she needed to tell her husband. Tell him fucking what? That you can't stand up straight on your meatball legs? You could tell all the men in the car wanted to punch her in the face, but only reframed because they wanted her to stop talking more. Deena officially ruined "Boys Night" but rightfully so, because is her drunk antics weren't the centre of attention, who knows how many foreign imports could have serviced Ron in the club bathroom. Thank you, Deena, I guess?
The episode ended with the gang getting ready for Ronnie's baby mama's arrival which consisted of showering Sex Doll Sam, dressing her up and swapping her head because her eye was fucked. You could see the trauma in Sex Doll Sam's eyes from all the times Ron snuck into her room late at night and went HAM on that pocket pussy. The fact that Pauly and Vinny took the time to bath the sex doll incarnation of their former friend is nothing short of iconic, the weird thing is she looks like a prettier, less hoeish version of Ronnie's actual baby mama.
We ended with Taco walking up the driveway in flip-flops while Jenni pondered whether or not she takes Ron's shit in Vegas. We may not know if she takes his shit but we do know she takes it up the ass. She walked into a house full of people who know everything about her man's wandering penis and the episode cut off, really MTV? It finally got good and then you ended it? That's the television version of edging. Just the thought of seeing Ron's French fry fetish get exposed at dinner makes me wet.
I think I may orgasm.
Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!