I'm devastated, shocked, confused, upset, hurt and emotionally vulnerable because the best show on television is coming to an end and we'll have to wait at least six gruelling months until it can return. Why is Bravo taking those sex-crazed SURvers away from us? It's not fair! To end the season, the Toms decided to throw a progress party at their upcoming restaurant TomTom which was followed by drinks at Pump. I can't tell if it's extremely dumb or an act of sheer genius to have three restaurants in the same street.
The crew strolled into the construction site and the smoking drinks started flowing, as a sneak peek of what's to come. Sandoval bragged about their new cocktail machine but I care more about Ken's scrotum than I do about anything related to TomTom. When the restaurant actually opens and becomes the new Central Perk or Peach Pit style hangout for our SURvers without sawdust and nails everywhere, then I'll be happy, but watching a progress party was just a reach for a storyline if I've ever seen one. Congratulations to Sandoval and Schwartz on their "success" but the only thing I remember from their storyline is them complaining and LVP reprimanding them like fifth graders, but now they want to pretend like it's been fun to work together? The reason I'm shitting on TomTom and its progress party is because not a lot happened at it.
RELATED: Vanderpump Rules Season 6 Cast Ranked
Scheana and her new face walked around trying to get Rob "7 Minutes" Valletta's attention but he couldn't have been less interested in the bootleg Kardashian. Watching the 7-minute man talk shit about Scheana while she was taking selfies in a pink construction hat was equally cringe-worthy and hilarious but he wasn't saying anything out of line, obviously, he just didn't want a stage five clinger for a girlfriend. For this entire season, Scheana acted like she was Kate Hudson in "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days" except she didn't actually want to lose the guy. If you've read any of my recaps this season you'd know that the divorcee isn't my favourite cast member but, like Stassi, even she deserves better than to be with a man who obviously doesn't want to be with her. Maybe Ronnie Ortiz-Magro is that guy for her? Wow, I couldn't even write that sentence with a straight face.
Can we talk about Kristen "Suck A Dick" Doute for a second? I understand the editors can't fit everything in but we only saw her say about two words and I missed them because I was busy concentrating on the fact she no longer had her crutches when she was wearing them in the last episode. That bitch healed quickly. If I have one wish in life it's that we get more Doute in season seven.
After LVP gave the same generic speech full of sexual innuendos that she gives every year about how much she loves and hates this group, they headed over to Pump for their final hours of filming. And speaking of sexual innuendos Stassi finally introduced Patrick to LVP and it was everything I wanted it to be. From the short amount of time that we've seen the pretentious man bun wearing guy on the show, the only facts I absorbed from him were that: he's a douchebag and has a bigger ego than Jax. We know Jax is a cunt, we're used to it, but Patrick's cunty behaviour was full of passive aggression and not as upfront as Mr Taylor's.
As soon as Stassi introduced her boyfriend and former boss, Lisa shaded Patrick and his man bun for ignoring her when they met at Sirius XM and he clapped back saying "I liked seeing you walk away." Whether it was a sexual joke about her flappy ass or a dig, it was just awkward considering they had only met 34 seconds earlier and they don't know each other like that - but that was just the beginning. Lisa continued to passive-aggressively joke with Patrick but he would awkwardly rebut it with a similar joke that wasn't funny or even a joke and just came across as rude. I'm never one to side with LVP but she put Patrick into the place where he needed to be put all season. Stassi could barely string a sentence together while she was making excuses for Patrick's bad behaviour, which isn't the Spitfire that we know.
Brittany and Scheana got shit for being in a haze all season long but Stassi was in a cloud of delusion about her relationship just as much as the other two. Just from watching how they look at each other you could tell that she cared about him more than he did her, which just caused her to have emotional stress and make excuses for him not treating her right with his condensing attitude and need to block her every three seconds.
Following their awkward exchange, LVP rejoined "the happy couple," probably at a producer's request, to try to make amends for their uncomfortable meeting but Patrick was not having it. He clapped back at LVP when she told Stassi she deserves the best, which was every shade of weird you can imagine. Yes, it was shady for Lisa to say that while he was sitting 7 inches away from her but was she wrong? Patrick wasn't a nice boyfriend to Stassi and constantly played bitchy games with her. He has a massive ego and when it was crushed by Lisa you could see him shut down. The reason I believe why he evaded reality TV for so long was probably due to the fact he couldn't control anything and the power struggle between him and LVP was evident of. He lost the power and couldn't get it back. It's called Vanderpump Rules for a reason.
Also at the party, Jax continued to gaslight Brittany and fight with her about their split after the swollen thumb announced he was moving in down the hall from her but I'm not even going to dissect their redundant conversation because he all know that they stupidly got back together anyway. They can try and justify their relationship by saying he's changed, but you can't erase your past and neither will the public or the other cast members, even if they try to move on, their relationship will always have this dark period attached to it. Good luck though.
To conclude the party and the season, LVP sat down with Jax where he cried some additional crocodile tears and apologised for his pasta induced meltdown at Sur. Instead of Lisa firing the 38-year-old bartender from her restaurant, she made him quit on his own so that he couldn't play the same victim card that he plays with everything else. Jax has no side hustle like the other cast members, so I'm confused as to what he and Brittany are going to do when the shows over - they can't make a living off her Flat Tummy Tea Instagram endorsements, so it was more than necessary for LVP to push him out of employment at Sur. Obviously the end of Jax's days at Sur was for the best but are we still going to pretend that he actually worked there? Maybe, just maybe, Jax will flourish next season and become successful at something else other than being a reality star and an asshole - but that wouldn't be Vanderpump Rules.
Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!