RHOP Recap: Wigless

April 30, 2018

I'm not sure what to think of newbie Candiace and her luscious weave. Her peppy attitude and cheerleader vibe is a nice addition to the show because we need a few more girls with energy. A young spitfire girl with a little pep in her step is better than Charrisse "Eeyore" Jackson-Jordan any day. Don't get me wrong, I live for the alleged swinger and her monotone personality but obviously, there's a reason why she's no longer holding a cherry blossom or whatever they hold over in Maryland. A crab maybe?

 

Aside from Candiace's bubbly personality and girlish charm, it's fairly clear that she is doing the most for the cameras, or maybe she's not? Maybe it's a natural occurrence for her to talk about her fiance's discoloured penis when meeting new people? I wasn't offended or even fazed when the new girl told Gizelle, after meeting her 4.5 seconds earlier, that her white fiance has a brown shaft and a pink tip. Maybe it's all these hours of reality TV that I've watched but at this point, I'd think it would be weird if someone didn't talk about the discolouration of their man's situation. The more troubling issue is probably her need to always bring up the fact that she has a white man. We get it, we are down for the swirl, it's okay. The only person that cares she is about to marry a white guy is her. I want to implement a new drinking game where you take a shot every time Candiace says her fiance is white, Robyn complains about her finances and Karen wears a bad wig. Everyone would be shit faced by the first commercial. 

 

The fact that Candiace brought up the colour of her fiance's sex pistol was a little wacky and cute when it was amongst her "friends," but it wasn't wacky or even a bit cute when the conversation got brought up several times in the presence of the guy with the discoloured love sausage. Pageant Barbie hosted a game of Bubble Soccer for her debut party on the show and it was, average at best. Physical exercise and anything that actually exerts energy makes me tired thinking about but I could get behind playing a game of Bubble Soccer. Who doesn't wanna roll around on the floor like the old Mama June? 

 

Before and after the game of Bubble Soccer, that lasted all of 2 minutes and 32 seconds, the topic of the resident white guy's one-eyed monster was brought up non-stop and instead of Candiace shutting it down she just kept talking about it while his pasty ass just stood and awkwardly watched from the sideline. It's so uncomfortable talking about a penis and having it's owner also in the conversation. That would be like Mr Big being present every time those SATC gals had one of their coffee house sex talks. From her perspective, I can see that she's very open and amongst new people, she wouldn't want to be rude but those bitches were shading the hell out of her and now every Bravo watcher across America is going to be suspect of what he keeps between his legs. 

 

There's nothing wrong with his fuck puppet being a darker hue but I think she was trying to say that it has a brown tinge, not that he's walking around with a BBC like Sherman. And NONE of those women can shade Candiace for talking about her man's elephant because Gizelle brags about her walls being torn down by Shermie, Ashely never falls to bring up her husband's Australian sausage, Charrisse is a swinger, Karen is dating her bodyguard and Robyn hasn't had sex since 2008. No one in this group is perfect when it comes to matters of the penis. I don't care that Candiace brought up his brown shaft but I just want a receipt. Either he should have just whipped it out onto the picnic table or someone needs to leak a cheeky nude. It's like watching a cooking show and you can't taste the food so you just have to go off what the judges say. We as viewers have a right to know.

 

With all the cock chatter aside, the Potomac bitches were ruthless at this social gathering. After everyone bounced around like sperm in a sack, the girls sat down to eat and got pissy that Mr Brown Dick didn't have the food on time. Charrisse and Gizelle, especially, interrogated the fuck out of Candiace and her new wig. I'm all for a good hazing but why do these women care about how she gets her money? For all we know, Gizelle's pastor ex and the congregation fund her lifestyle, so why does she care if Candiace's mom pays her bills? I understand that Charrisse had to go in hard on the newbie to try and keep her place on the show but it's tired at this point. It's ironic that the Housewives city with the least coin and most average homes always worries about everyone else's finances when most of them can't even have a hot shower - I'm looking at Robyn and her quarterback shoulders. 

 

After a full dinner full of questions for Candiace, Miss Huger's wig just about fell all the way off her big head. I don't know how or why but Karen's headpiece was sliding everywhere and she still couldn't get it locked down. She should have just snatched her own wig and made a meme of it all, because who doesn't want to see her bald head? Her receding hairline doesn't start until halfway on her head, so can you imagine what The Black Bill Gates goes to bed to every night? I love Karen and the delusion that she ensues but I would love her even more if she was wigless for a day and let her bald head shine. 

 

The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 10/9c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.

 

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