When MTV announced the Jersey Shore cast would be returning to our screens I expected them to come back as grownups, not fight and be boring - but holy fuck was I wrong. The complete and utter mind fuck that is Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, their explosive fights and strong Guido livers are just three reasons alone why this group of fist pumpers are better than they've ever been before. I would rather watch a scandalous cheating storyline any day rather than tune in to see a juiced up douchebag ram his head into an international wall.
The beginning of this episode saw Pauly D disrupting Ron's bathroom blowjob session with a French export that he only met a few hours earlier. All it took was the resident DJ saying "it's not worth it," for Ronnie to take his dick out of the french fry's mouth and snap back to his reality of having a pregnant girlfriend back home. Does it get any messier than committing infidelity while your significant other is pregnant? Ronnie seriously has stepped in more shit than he created in the toilet and that thing looked like it came out of a fucking elephant! It's really not that hard to keep away from a blonde girl with fake tits and Ron's analogy of likening cheating to trying to grab flying money didn't help his case because you can be content enough with what you already have and not be a greedy prick.
The whole cast could see what a fucking mess Ron had caused himself and they all got the fuck out of there. No one was even shocked or upset at his actions because Ron cheating is as certain as death and taxes - well, not for The Situation. Snooki was the only housemate willing to stay up with Ron, probably because she was drunk, but she managed to get the meathead to spill some serious tea. Not only did Ron Ron and his highlights admit that he doesn't believe his girlfriend is "the one" but he is still in love with his ex-girlfriend Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola.
UGGGGHHHHHHHHH! I think that I may throw myself into ongoing traffic if I have to hear her name again. The only thing worse than Sam deciding not to return is the constant chatter about her, there probably wouldn't have been this much drama involving her if she did choose to come back. And I can't decide if Ronnie is a masochist or a pornstar because I've never seen someone fuck themselves so hard on camera. Holy fuck. Some people are just made for reality TV. The dumbass was worried about his girlfriend finding out about the trashy cum guzzling French dessert that was sucking his dick an hour earlier but if I was the baby mama I would be more pissed at what he told Snooki - there's a room full of cameras and producers and that is when you choose to not only shade your baby mama but also spill the tea that you still love your ex-girlfriend of four years?! That's a way bigger betrayal than a dick in a mouth. especially since there is a baby involved.
Once Ron and Snooki stayed up all night talking, they helped who MTV called “Drunk girl who puked” and sent her away in a taxi via the duck phone. I love the nostalgia of it all but couldn't they have just ordered an Uber? That would have been there in no time and she could have helped herself to a free mint! Following their good samaritan act, the drunk Guidos headed out at 10 am to continue drinking. What the actual fuck? The odd duo hit up a kids play centre called Senor Frogs in the middle of the morning and it looked like a sad version of the hangover if they were all tripping on acid and hadn't slept for 3 and a half days. The mom in Snooki ditched Ron to fawn over random children while Ronnie was crying and contemplating life in the bathroom of the kid's restaurant at 11 am in the morning. That is the definition of depression. If I'm ever feeling suicidal and drunk at a Chucky Cheese, just shoot me.
When they returned home from their strange excursion, Pauly D had the idea to lift everyone's spirits and go on a boat ride like they were on “Guido Gilligans Island,” following Ronnie's night of Australian kissing - a french kiss, but down under! The boat ride was lame and only consisted of a romantic montage between Pauly & Vinny on a jet ski and Mike talking about getting married. Spoiler alert: in real time he just announced his engagement, so I guess that Lauren doesn't care about potentially waiting five years before they can consummate their marriage. The only thing more draining that the boat ride was Mike & Ron's dumb roast battle, it was like seeing two fifth graders try and be cool in the quad - I was just waiting for a yo mama joke. It finally got good once Ron started shading The Situation over his criminal behaviour - which is five episodes too late because the felon definitely deserves to be teased over his tax evading ways.
After the boring boat ride, Ronnie started to get stressed that his girlfriend may have heard about his infidelity on social media due to her not answering any of his calls. For some reason, her dodging his calls made him want to become a suicide bomber because he pulled his hoodie over his head all the way through dinner. After his third bathroom breakdown of the episode, the troubled Guido concluded that he might as well continue to cheat if she doesn't answer the phone. Umm, Ron, no. It's been less than 24 hours and you're already giving up on having a relationship with your baby mama? To make it worse he started justifying and making excuses for his behaviour the previous night. What the fuck is in his head? I think his brain may actually be inside the tip of his penis because his decision-making skills are sketcher than Mike's tax records.
The Situation's empty brain evaluated that Ron was "in a dark place." No fucking shit. He cheated on his severely pregnant girlfriend by letting a French whore make mouth music in his bathroom. Does any emotionally stable, well-rounded individual make a decision like that? Finally, everyone returned to their McMansion and Mike's girlfriend Lauren confirmed through the duck phone that Ronnie's cheating ways were leaked via a shady Instagram account and it was in that moment that Ronnie Ortiz-Magro knew he fucked up.
Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!