Southern Charm Recap: The New Kathryn

April 27, 2018

Does anyone else remember when this show used to have a flashy theme song at the start? Four episodes in, I finally realised that the bubbly introduction had disappeared which was a little sad but it's not like we are missing Housewives taglines. Something else that is no longer on the show - Crazy Kathryn. 

 

Miss Dennis has officially become the new and improved Kathryn that she tried to be after leaving rehab last year. Maybe it was all the (alleged) drugs she was taking during her relationship with Thomas or maybe it was behind the scenes instigation that we don't know about but whatever the reason be, it didn't let us see the real Kathryn Dennis until now. Who knew that it would take five seasons of reality TV for her finally come into her own. Apart from her new do and a sense of stability in her life, the other new thing about Kathryn is the fact that she actually has friends. She was always on good terms with Craig and Shep but it's so refreshing to see her become a fully fledged member of the Pussy Power Pack.

 

Seeing the PPP reassemble and have their sleepover was the cutest thing ever. I always thought that the show was too masculine and I love that we are finally getting a voice from a group of educated women that aren't afraid to call out the corrupt men in their lives. They also spilled the tea on their sex lives, (Naomie hasn't gotten down and dirty in six months) vibrators, (Kathryn's can go in water) and how Naomie was diagnosed with Psycho Ex-Girlfriend Syndrome which caused her to put a tracker on Craig's phone. Surely she went to the same doctor who diagnosed JD with cuntitisis. Sex talk, toys and low-key stalking - these sound like my kind of gals! While their night consisted of harmless girl talk, the men of the show tried to find Craig a girl to get under him, so that he could get over Naomie. With all the gardening and sewing Mr Conover has transformed into an old lady and obviously, as an elderly woman, he needs more time to process his feelings and move on from the split. But Post-Naomie Craig can GET IT. With that sexy rugged beard I'm sure Craig's DMs are overflowing with ready and waiting pussy. 

 

Kathryn had lunch with Bambi and it was as irritating as you'd expect. Strangely enough, the red-headed mother-of-two became the voice of reason in this scene and wasn't buying any of the bullshit that Thomas' latest girlfriend was trying to sell to her through her 'almost tears' and sob story about ditching her family to move in with her wealthy boyfriend. Kathryn can only see her kids once a week - I think that is more of a sob story than Ashley's choice to become a gold digger. Malibu Barbie spoke in her soft voice and agreed to co-parent peacefully with Kathryn but didn't fail to throw in the fact that she met her kids on Mother's Day after only knowing Thomas for a week. I don't care where you come from - that was a fuck you. She didn't have to mention that she met Kathryn's kids on the one day of the year they should be with her but she did it as a sneaky mean girl move. Ashley tries to hide her bitchy ways through her perfectly whitened teeth and passive-aggressive attitude but I can see right through that and Miss Dennis can too. 

 

The old Kathryn probably would have cussed her flat ass out right there in the restaurant but the new Kathryn took a deep breath and agreed to put her children's needs in front of her hatred for Thomas and Ashley. She has grown up so much since her days of chasing her baby daddy down a pier and locking him in their children's nursery. Although those incidents sound crazy, I always thought the old fart instigated her behaviour and just stood back and played the victim when she would finally react to him.

 

At the end of the day it's better if Kensie and Saint's dad doesn't have a revolving door of women coming and going so as annoying as Bambi is, it's probably for the best that she stays around, just for stability for the children if nothing else, because you know that Thomas would find his next barely legal boo 46 seconds after Ashley walks out the door. I'll never know what all those young girls see in him, I mean, he looks like a baggy knee! However, unfortunately, I don't think Miss New Boobs is going anywhere because she has the geriatric codger wrapped around her fake nailed fingers and is obviously trying to desperately to give him another heir to the Ravenel throne. One baby mama is enough, he doesn't need another.

 

Speaking of opportunist bitches like Malibu Barbie, one of Shep's contestants on his dating shows officially moved to Charleston to work at a dog shelter. Really Bravo? Are we supposed to believe that? I think they needed a new girl for the boys to flirt with and for the girls to hate, and Peyton's blonde hair and dumb voice are the perfect triggers to make those things happen. It seems like Austen may or may not have already seen her kitty cat. She and Ashley should get along quite well because they both give me shady vibes for moving across the country to appear on a reality show and I'm guessing that no one else really wants to be friends with either one. Maybe Professor in Southern Shade Patricia Altschul needs to give them some lessons on how to survive in the south.

 

The final scene worth writing about was Craig & Naomie's fight. It wasn't that interesting and I don't find their relationship to be that dynamic, however, Craig telling his ex-girlfriend that he was getting a life coach to hopefully get his life back on track was a textbook Bravo sentence. Do normal people actually have life coaches or are they only reserved for pretentious reality stars? If you need to pay someone to get your life back on track you either have too much money or not enough balls. Even after his life coach revelation Naomie still wasn't interested in reconciling with Craig and his toddler tantrum made it crystal clear to her why they should stay apart. These two aren't meant to be together. Naomie needs a MAN in his 30s with his shit together and Craig needs a girl who can sit back and passively watch him sew her a nice pillow. Hey, maybe Peyton can be that girl! (Yes, that was shade.)

 

Southern Charm airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Charleston gang. 

 

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