The only thing more tragic than Kyle's outfit is the fact that this is a three-part reunion. I don't understand what constitutes Bravo giving these boring Housewives multiple reunion specials when they didn't even earn one with their draining behaviour this season, but I'll stop complaining and dissect this sleep-inducing reunion. For some reason, the art department over at Bravo decided to set the theme as Mikey Minden's gay metallic spaceship, that most of the ladies managed to follow, but you can check out our shady fashion roundup here!
To be honest, it wasn't as life sucking as I had previously expected it to be but there weren't any iconic moments that came from this hour of TV. After Andy's awkward hellos the first package was all about how amazing it is that a group of 40+ women are still hustling and making careers for themselves. If I have to hear that line again I'm going to shave my head and join a cult because it is just dumb. This is a group of filthy rich women who are on a reality show and therefore have the platform and ability to create their own products and sell them. It's not aspirational or inspiring that Dorito has her own swimwear line and that Erika has her own singing career because their wealthy husband's funded their hobbies, it's not like they had to struggle to try and work their way up the corporate ladder or start from nothing - no, all they had to do was suck their old husband's dicks. These are no Bethenny Frankels.
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Speaking of old husband's, Erika confirmed that her one didn't read her book, in fact, none of her family did. Even when Andy tried to explain how weird that is, she just sat there with her freshly botoxed face and no sign of emotion. I know that Erika is known as the "Ice Queen" around these parts but she didn't even have a sense of humour at this reunion and just looked like a shell of the lovable almost-drag queen that we've grown to love - especially when Andy jokingly asked if she'd collaborate with Teddi's dad and she gave a serious answer of "no". Erika never provides her opinion on anything and only fights with the other women after she explodes from suppressing her emotions for months on end. That can't be healthy and I can't begin to imagine the frustration she lets out in her sweaty sessions with Mr Girardi. I know what your thinking, do they really have sex? Well, how else do you explain her collection of luxury cars, wigs, clothes, bags and gays?
The newbie also had her turn in the hot seat but the temperature was turned down to a steady lukewarm. In Teddi's short round of questioning we discovered that she feuded with Meghan McCain, is thinking about having a third baby, her accountability earns her enough money to not ask her husband for coins and that John Mellencamp & Meg Ryan watch the show. If she comes back next season it should be mandated in her contract that the famous couple make a cameo because there's no point having famous offspring on the show and not seeing their parents. We also established that she and Dorito have a mutual dislike for each other after watching this season, but what's new? All these bitches loathe each other. As a human being I don't mind Miss Mellencamp, but as a Housewife, she is too out of her league. Maybe if she returns with a kick-ass attitude and those sexy dark roots then I'll change my opinion about the monotonous addition.
Andy couldn't help but instigate drama between the two Lisas by bringing up Rinna's ICONIC Instagram stories where she re-watched season one and shaded LVP for filth. Those stories were more entertaining and watchable than this entire season and Bravo needs to order an 8 episode series of Rinna binge-watching past Housewives seasons and giving her hilarious commentary. Doesn't that sound more appealing than the prospect of another dull RHOBH season? Of course, LVP and her overly sensitive muff got offended by Rinna's comments but she has spent the past three seasons making mean, passive-aggressive "jokes" about Rinna non-stop. If you are going to dish it then your definitely need to take it and that is LVP's problem. The tired British Housewife also hadn't even watched the stories herself, so she was just reaching for something to be mad about! The Hustler also confirmed the rebirth of success that her New York Times Bestselling book Rinnavation has had since her daughters admitted that they learnt how to give head from it on the show, so Rinna is definitely winning right now!
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I've decided Dorito "What The Fuck Is My Accent" Kemsley officially holds the title as the number one gaslighter on Bravo, even beating out her strong competitors Jax Taylor and Kim Zolciak. For the majority of this episode, we had to watch her blatantly deny things she had said about both Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle, even though Bravo had a plethora of receipts to prove that she did, in fact, say those things about her friends. I can't think of anything more frustrating than the constant gaslighting that has been plaguing reality TV lately and it makes me white-knuckle just thinking about. Dorito is such a committed liar that she makes me even doubt she said those things, until I remember that she's crazy and probably needs to spend a few months away at Bette Ford with Kim Richards for her gaslighting issues. It's so maddening watching someone not owning their behaviour and constantly lie when there is VIDEO FOOTAGE of them doing the things they claim not to do. After watching Dorito and her metallic potato sack deny the truth, it actually made me respect Teddi's position on the show because it would be hard work to keep someone as delusional as Dorito Kemsley accountable for her actions.
I am so done with talking, thinking, watching and writing about this tired threesome beef and I would rather stick a fork in a toast than entertain it for a moment more, so here's my final verdict: Dorito brought up PantyGate and the beach house to try and fuck over Kyle and talked shit about LVP. Lisa didn't care and treated her differently than she's treated other Housewives that have done much less to her in the past due to her relationship with PK. Kyle is right about everything. Rinna loved every minute of watching the ladies fight over this tired beef and Kyle and Dorito both look like they could be LVP's daughters.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these 90210 ladies.