After sitting through and recapping an extremely boring season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills the last thing I want to do is critique their questionable looks and recap their THREE-PART reunion (eye roll) but here I go. I'm not sure what the theme was but it looks like a gay metallic spaceship that Mikey Minden is the captain of. None of these looks go together and I'm almost sure that they all bought their dresses together at a cheap 80's costume shop. You would think that with all the glam these ladies have they could pull together better looks than these, but I guess they like to look like shiny colourful condoms? Maybe THAT WAS THE THEME!? Until I hear otherwise the theme was to dress as bright, metallic, colourful condoms. I'm sure Erika's gays loved that brief!
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6. Kyle Richards
Obviously, Kyle didn't get the memo to come as a metallic condom because she is dressed in her curtains?! You would think that someone who owns their own boutique would know how to dress but this is a woman who spends 95% of her life in muumuus. This look is so sad because you can tell that it wants to be something but it just didn't happen - just think of Kim Richards as a dress. The more I look at the black, polka dot gown the more I think: what the fuck was she thinking?! If the ill-fitting, baggy yet not baggy dress wasn't enough, her short hair officially ruins it. Kyle "Long Hair" Richards is known for her beautiful, flowing, locks so I think it is rude and offensive that she even dared to take scissors to her mane.
5. Lisa Vanderpump
I guess LVP has never heard the expression mutton dressed as lamb because the Wicked Old Bitch of Beverly Hills is trying to dress like one of her SURver's while her turkey neck is hanging low. The dress itself isn't that bad, and I love that you can change it from red to gold depending on your mood, but it's the person inside the dress that's the problem. It's too tight, too sparkly and the shoulder pads are too high for 2018. As much as she wants to be Alexis Carrington it's not going to happen. Oh, and don't even get me started on her tired blowout. The only thing worse than dramatically changing your hair like Kyle did, is keeping the same tired hairstyle for 20 years. I don't think there's been a reunion where LVP hasn't worn her hair that way.
4. Dorit Kemsley
Oh my fucking god, Dorito is dressed as the packaging on a spicy sweet chilli Dorito bag. It's a full circle moment! The accent confused Housewife's outfit looks unfinished, like she just got out of the shower and quickly wrapped her gown around her. This look likes what you wear when you are getting ready, not the final product?! Is this really the best she could do? For the entire season, Dorito tried to be an Erika Jayne meets Kylie Jenner wannabe and in a weird way she carried that through to the reunion. I'm stuck between thinking this looks like a metallic greek goddess vibe or a purple garbage bag - either way it's not a good look but she did stick to the theme of colourful condoms. Good for Dorito! Aside from her eyesore of a dress and her wet hair, Dorito also piled on way too much jewellery in a further effort to show us how rich she is. We get it Dorito, you have coin.
3. Erika Jayne
Eh. Really. This is the best that Erika and her team full of gays could have done? REALLY? This look is a Tuesday for Miss Jayne and she really needed to step up her glam to be up to reunion level. She looks like a slutty spaceship captain in the 80s with her big shoulders and high pony, but I'm not exactly living for it. The purple metallic sides give her look a nice added feature but apart from that this look is B-O-R-I-N-G! It's almost making me want to fall asleep. Erika served more glamorous and exciting looks throughout the season, so I'm not sure which PA didn't give her the memo that you are supposed to go all out for the reunion. She is definitely playing it safe with this look and I know she can do so much better.
2. Lisa Rinna
Along with sharing a name with Lisa Vanderpump, they also shared this dress. Sure they might be different colours and not the exact same dress but this is close enough for a Housewives reunion. The reason why this outfit beats it's similar look is because Lisa Fucking Rinna knows how to own a dress - and she doesn't look 75. The shiny dress and her curly new do look like your favourite drunk aunt dressed up as a trophy for halloween and I am all the way here for it. This silver form-fitting dress is everything that it needs to be and I am so happy that at least one person knows how to slay a reunion. I live for Rinna's 25-year-old hair but it's great when she mixes it up every now and again. You do you, Lisa Rinna!
1. Teddi Mellencamp
This look is simple, white and stunning - so basically Teddi as a dress. The newbie looks so great in her elegant silhouette gown matched with her newly dark roots - it's unbelievable. Seriously, this look is getting me wet! It’s so simple and a little dull but it somehow manages to be regal and sophisticated at the same time, so there's not much I can snark on it for. It's just everything that it needs to be. The accountability coach definitely missed the theme of dressing like a colourful condom, but maybe we needed at least one pale latex raincoat amongst this group? Who knew that the fashion averted Housewife would WIN this ranking? Good for her. This is probably the only thing besides a horse race that Miss Mellencamp has won.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the 90210 ladies.