Vanderpump Rules Recap: Unconscious Uncoupling

April 17, 2018

The hot topic of this episode was Jax breaking up with Brittany after a season of lying, cheating and manipulation. Yes, other things did happen like Sandoval performing a very homoerotic proposal to Schwartz, Katie opening up about her depression and LVP taking her dusty old muff on a horse ride, but nothing else matters apart from this very expected/ unexpected breakup. Would you rather me talk about Ariana's dumb cocktail book or Jax literally ripping Brittany's heart out of her chest and squishing into their cheap Ikea rug? 

 

Following his "pasta" induced meltdown, Jax was spiralling because he hadn't seen his reiki master and side chick Kelsey in a week due to her trip to Africa, and shared with Brittany that he's unhappy. Well, he's pushing 40 and still pretending to be a bartender on TV, so I think it would be weird if he was enjoying life. Jax claimed that his unhappiness had nothing to do with Brittany but then said they needed to break up so that he could be happy. Um, if their relationship has nothing to do with him being unhappy then why do they need to break up? Next to "Brittany deserving so much better" that is the biggest cop out ever. Jax has been wanting to dump Brittany for months now and the cheating, audiotape and constant gas lighting were just examples that showed he was trying to get her to break up with him but she refused to. I think the swollen thumb finally got to a place where he realised that Brittany would never end their relationship so he had to cut her loose himself.

 

After Jax committed his latest cunty act, Brittany started crying and stormed off into an uber while Jax yelled at her to come back from the balcony. This is like Romeo & Juliet, but if they did cocaine and lived in WeHo. It was cruel for Jax to wait this long to dump Brittany but I don't know if she can be mad at him for it. Brittany and her Kentucky muffin continued to stay with Jax knowing that he was an asshole and one of the most vile human's on the face of this earth, which was evidenced by him fucking her friend while an old lady slept in the bed adjacent to them, then talking shit about Brittany to the friend he fucked AND also trying to turn all his bad delusional behaviour back on her all season long. She can't be surprised that after committing a series of fucked up acts that he would commit another one. She stayed when everyone told her not to, so she can only blame herself.

 

He should have grown some balls a while back and broken her heart after he came inside Faith, because the four months following that were nothing but torture for Brit. Although she was crying, it's for the best that he broke up with her, I don't know how many people can tell her that she's going to be SO much better without Jax but like an alcoholic, no one can help her unless she is willing to help herself. Brittany continued to claim that "no one sees the Jax that she sees" and I have a very simple answer why: he doesn't exist. The loveable Southern girl is so clouded by her feelings of love for this man, I truly believe that she doesn't see the way that he treats her, because if she did she wouldn't still be a little puppy under his spell. 

 

In real time the couple are still together by all accounts, so not only was this "breakup" a waste of our time, but we are going to have to deal with more of the shit show that is their relationship next season. Is the dick really THAT good, because that's the only logical explanation I can think of as to why she would be so infatuated with such an undeserving mother fucker. Literally, we all know that he's fucked a few hot soccer moms. Let's just hope that at they reunion they will reveal that they are now separated because I don't know if I can mentally/emotionally/physically take another round of watching the dysfunction that is their relationship.

 

Apart from the continuous soap opera that is Jax & Brittany, Kristen was also confronted by her boyfriend Carter, while on crutches, when he received tea from the anime character that is Tom Sandoval about James and Kristen possibly having fun in the jacuzzi. This set off alarm bells for Carter because the jacuzzi wasn't in Kristen's previously explained explanation about her night with James in Mexico. I don't believe that my lord and saviour, Kristen "Suck A Dick" Doute, would cheat on Carter, but as we discussed last week she doesn't have the best track record. Do I need to go through the Beamer incident of 2015 again? However she needs to learn not to put herself into situations where people will think that she has sucked anyone's dick that isn't her boyfriend's. Carter told her that he didn't fully believe that she didn't hookup with James and she hobbled away on her crutches, which was equally the most iconic and saddest thing I've seen in a while, and it gave me total Brandi Glanville flashback vibes. What can I say? I must have a soft spot for unfiltered, drunk bitches on crutches. 

 

The final toxic relationship that I want to discuss is Patrick and Stassi. Following their 100th breakup, this time about about texts (?!), the couple sat down to discuss their complicated dynamic and it made me hate Patrick even more than I hate Scheana's compulsive obsession with Rob. This time Patrick appeared sans-man bun, but he could've cut his hair a few episodes back and I wouldn't know the difference. This show has too many cast member's to keep up with already so I can't be worrying about the hairstyles of an additional boyfriend that isn't even apart of the sultry theme song.

 

Patrick continued to use big, confusing words while talking to his girlfriend and used a Game Of Thrones analogy to try and convey his point. GOT is not on my radar, so he could have been speaking Chinese and it would have had the same effect on my brain. I understand that he's a few years older than her, but he's not her dad and he doesn't need to constantly educate Stassi, who sat there eating mac and cheese with sriracha. This right here is why this couple doesn't work, Patrick is pretentious as fuck while Stassi is a basic WeHo bitch that loves murder and ranch dressing. There's nothing wrong with that but after 4 years and 876 breakups, they should see that they just aren't meant for each other. Watching them talk out their issues is like waiting for a car crash because WE ALL know how he dumped her Carrie Bradshaw style before their anniversary trip to Mexico. I'm just hoping that we see it on the show.

 

Oddly enough, out of the three couples I talked about, Kristen has the most solid and secure relationship, even though she's currently the subject of another cheating rumour. 3 years ago she was the outcast of the group, wiping James Kennedy's spit off her door, so Miss Doute has really come up in the world. 

 

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

 

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