I've said it before and I'll say it again: this season sucked more than a whore on spring break. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills isn't the same show that we grew accustomed to all those years ago. It seems like everyone is just an acquaintance to each other and are too scared to form real, deep friendships with each other, either because they don't care enough or they don't want to risk having a fight on TV. I understand living that way in life, but these women are getting paid big bucks to act authentically on camera and right now the only authentic thing on this show are the rats in Rinna's kitchen. When the main plot points of this season are about someone being late, drinking out of the wrong glassware and Erika's period, then it's clear this is boring television. Check out our power rankings of who brought the most and least to this uneventful season.
7. Lisa Vanderpump
Do I need to explain why LVP and her dusty muff came in last place? This OG and self proclaimed queen of Beverly Hills has brought nothing to the show for the last three years apart from her tired sex jokes, overly promoted restaurants and dog shelter. LVP's storyline was once again about the Yulin dog festival and her two dead dogs that died this season. Apart from that, she basically just sat back and let both Kyle and Dorito fight over who was a better friend of hers and occasionally sided with the accent confused Housewife. Honestly, for season nine I think that LVP could be demoted to a "friend" because Brandi brought more in her first season than Lisa has brought in the last three. Maybe a demotion will wake Lisa up and make her realise that she has to deliver to make the big coins.
6. Kyle Richards
The other OG of the show hasn't pulled her weight much for the last three seasons either. This time around Kyle's only storylines consisted of her TV show producing projects that her sisters may or may not agree with and getting an entire renovation done on her house, even though she ended up moving to a new and improved home anyway. The only drama that Paris Hilton's aunt managed to get involved in was her fight with Dorito, which was essentially about who was a better friend to LVP. She also talked endlessly about how Lisa Vandercunt always picked her "new friend" over her which was painful to watch because it's obvious that the two OGs have had an alliance for some time now. We have seen Kyle have some of the scrappiest fights on the franchise which causes her to rank this low on the list because I know she has a lot more to bring to the diamond infested table.
5. Camille Grammer
Saint Camille returned as a friend of this season, however, I didn't even notice that she existed for a large majority of her time on screen. Season one Camille is gone and has been replaced with a nicer, faker copy of the former villain that we all knew. While Camille's new personality may be good for her and the rest of society, it isn't good for reality TV and makes me understand why she is only contracted as a part time wife. However, she did engage in a war with Dorito after she called her a cunt in front of her new boyfriend and gifted the talkative annoyance of a human being a ball gag. Now that is the messy Camille that we want to see. Apart from that shady exchange, Miss Grammer was really a non-event but hopefully if she returns we will see more of her ball gag gifting side come out.
4. Teddi Mellencamp
When the franchise's first accountability coach came on the scene I liked the idea of a tomboy being amongst a group of shopping crazed rich bitches, but after a few episodes in, her dull personality was too much to handle. Teddi tried to keep the group accountable for their shady ways and instantly feuded with Dorito, who struggles to take any responsibility for her bad behaviour. She called her out for being late and for shit talking both LVP and Rinna. Teddi was okay until she cried after Erika "yelled" at her for saying that she had "pretend amnesia". Yes, a pissed off Erika Jayne is scarier than the thought of seeing LVP and Ken have sex, but if you are a Real Housewife, then you need to grow a backbone and fight back not cry in the car about it. Teddi definitely loses points for that and for being as interesting as a sesame seed.
3. Erika Jayne
Did this gay icon have a storyline this season? Next to being a character in the Kim Kardashian video game, her husband's car accident and taking 3 and a half hours to get dressed by her gays to go to a simple lunch, Erika didn't really do much this season. Her budding friendship with Dorito was a little much to watch and her constant refusal to offer her opinion about anything made her dull. Don't get me wrong, I love Miss Jayne but she doesn't provide the drama that this franchise needs. Her only conflict came when she had heard that the other girls were talking shit about her leaving because of her period, which makes for two storylines now where her vagina has been at the centre of the drama. However she gains points for yelling at Teddi after she called her a liar because THAT is what Housewives do, they check a bitch when they need to be checked. Are you taking notes, Miss Mellencamp?
2. Lisa Rinna
Lisa Fucking Rinna and her lips stayed out of any and all the drama this season which in her case actually gives her more points. This Housewife went from being in the midst of every squabble on the show to just being the drunk comedic relief in the background while the rest of the ladies fought over being friends with an old British lady. Lisa barely did anything besides acting and taking care of her Gigi & Bella wannabe daughters, and for right now I'm okay with it. Lisa's decision to take a step back from the drama was obviously a result of her driving the show for the last THREE years and not getting any reward for it while LVP and Kyle count their abundance of coins for doing nothing. Hopefully next season we get the "Old Rinna" back, but for season eight she was definitely the most likeable and watchable character.
1. Dorito Kemsley
Now we go from the most likeable and watchable character to the very opposite of that. It's no secret that I and much of the population have a seething hatred for Miss Dorito (shade not autocorrect) but you have to admit, without her wine glass obsession and inability to admit any wrongdoing, there wouldn't have been anything going on this season. Whether it was talking non-stop about her swimwear line, her struggle with time management, looking like a Kylie Jenner wannabe or fighting with Teddi about repeating shitty things she had said, Dorito was always at the centre of our TV screen. Shitting on Dorito provided me with most of the content in my recaps and I think I've developed Stockholm Syndrome because I'm starting to understand the accent confused Housewife. Dorito doesn't have the makings of a reality TV villain like Brandi Glanville or Kenya Moore, she's kinda more of an accidental villain, but she did provide us with the little drama that we received this season and we all have to admit that.
Do you agree with our ranking? Sound off in the comments below!
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/10c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the 90210 ladies.