When the guidos and guidettes first washed up on the jersey shore in 2009 they were instantly controversial. The overly tanned fist pumpers gave us TV that we had never seen before and were the trail blazers in peeing on camera, crying into a duck phone and tearing up their house. It was a magical time in TV and they returned in a TWO HOUR episode with everything that made them famous except their orange spray tans. Thank god for that.
Before the group could reunite in Miami for their "family vacation" we had some catching up to do. Snooki successfully fulfilled her dreams of marrying a hot tan guido and produced two hot tan babies, but she's still a hot mess mom. JWOWW is also married and the couple have two kids and three goldfish, you know it's serious when you start adopting goldfish. Pauly D is living in Las Vegas and still proclaims to be the world's #1 guido, which is a title that I don't think anyone wants to take from him. He may have a baby and be pushing 40 but he is still the exact same Pauly D that we met in 2009. Vinny, the forgotten Sicilian pale cast member, has a girlfriend and he finally lives by himself, but his mum still does his laundry. I guess he's only keeping up with the G and the T. In case you were wondering his mom Paula still looks like she's from the 80s and is doing great. Who doesn't love Paula?
Everyone's favourite meatball Deena has gone through a lot since we last saw her, she got married but is still suffering from her father's death. Ronnie managed to skip both events. Speaking of RAHHHNN, he filled us in on his dramatic relationship with Sammi Sweetheart who wanted to get married and as a result he cheated on her. In a shocking turn of events he's now expecting a baby with his THOT baby mama but I don't see that relationship lasting very long, considering that he is content with the fact he'll always be a "shitty husband or boyfriend." Maybe don't fuck everyone chick that walks in front of you and you won't have to worry about being a shitty husband, Ronnie!
The last guido to catch up with is The Situation and he is looking like Popeye with all the work he's had done. Popeye now has a blonde girlfriend, two years of sobriety under his belt and is facing between five to ten years imprisonment after being charged with tax evasion. Now THAT is a situation. Snooki, who is an expert about incarceration from watching Orange Is The New Black, does not think that The Situation will make it in prison. 2011 Situation probably couldn't make it but sober Popeye may be able to. Maybe he can share a cell with Joe Giudice so they can trade their tax evasion secrets and greasy Jersey ways? The girls also confirmed that Sammi Sweetheart wouldn't get joining them because she's content with her new boyfriend who Ronnie thinks he looks like him. Ummm, click this link and see for yourself...
After we were caught up with everyone's lives, the group arrived at their Miami compound to get their fist pumping on, everyone except Popeye who was busy pleading guilty in court. Snooki, JWOWW, Deena, Pauly and Ronnie were the first to arrive at their mansion and they celebrated with chugging wine not vodka, because they are classy now. After everyone got reacquainted and picked out their rooms, Vinny arrived with the bad news that Mike wouldn't be joining them until the next day because of his plea deal in court. According to Jenni, the IRS is the like the mafia, you don't want to fuck with them. Words to live by, people. Is it that big a deal that Mike maybe couldn't go? I mean who wants to turn up with a sober guy that has to watch his everyone move to try and avoid prison? That is a major party foul. While the girls ate their pickles, Pauly D surprised everyone with a Sammi Sweetheart sex doll that spewed Sammi's most common phrases. Are they supposed to take that thing around town like it's "Weekend at Bernie's?" Why doesn't Pauly expand his DJ empire into the sex toy business and start selling sex dolls of the entire cast? That's a missed opportunity if you ask me.
Naturally, Ronnie started being overly touchy feely with the sex toy version of his ex-girlfriend which was weirder than everyone's new faces. I would bet $100 that Ron's penis entered at least one of the sex toy's holes during their month long stay in Miami. Even with Sammi not being there she still created drama in the form of her sex toy because Deena didn't want anyone to make fun of her friend. I'm all for standing up for your friends but she chose not to go, so it would be weird if this crew didn't pay homage to Sammi's absence, even if it is in the form of a sex toy. Along with Sex Toy Sammi, Snooki brought another old friend along: the duck phone. I'm surprised the duck phone still works considering the fact that it's been thrown around 300 times and nobody uses a landline anymore. Has the world really changed that much since 2009?
After the duck phone was plugged in and Snooki had her first physical fight with Sex Toy Sammi, the gang went out to a club which was full of people that were "too cool to be a slutty mess", but not this crew. Being a slutty mess is the only way that they know to behave. I never knew how much I had missed seeing grown people fist pump and come up with cringeworthy dance moves in a club until I watched this scene. While Vinny did his door kicking dance (?!) Ron and Deena continued to talk about Sammi. Let it go, is the sex toy not enough? Ronnie was evidently pissed that she decided not to come back to the show and said that if he can came back with a girlfriend who is seven months pregnant then she should have come back too. Umm, I'm not exactly sure that filming a reality show across the country from your severely pregnant girlfriend is something to brag about.
When Snooki starts acting like a lesbian and can't get off up the floor, that's always a good time to call it a night. Due to Snooki's drunken behaviour the guidos left the club and Pauly had to say goodbye to his "dream girl" who he had met 5 minutes earlier on the dance floor and smelled like a stripper. Doesn't Pauly know that you can find a hot latin girl with a big ass on every corner in Miami? After Snooki barely avoided being hit by ongoing traffic, they got back to the house which had no power. That is a major safety hazard. Is it even legal for the producers to allow six drunk people to stumble around with no electricity? I guess the answer is yes because Snooki pulled off her boots and took a piss in the pool. They've been there one day and there's already urine in their classy infinity pool.
While Snooki slept peacefully after peeing, everyone else ordered pizza and Ronnie & Deena got into it yet again, but instead of it being about Sammi, this time it was about Ron not calling Deena when her dad died. There is nothing better than a drunk fight and pizza which were both main factors of this scene. I kept trying to focus on their fight, but I couldn't get over the way that Vinny was eating his pizza. Due to his new carb free diet, the resident Sicilian only ate the topping off his pizza and left the base in the box. What the fuck? That must be what it takes to get abs! In the end Ron apologised to Deena and everyone went to bed. Wow. And that was only the first day. Those guidos are gonna be tired as fuck by the end of this vacation.
The next morning Snooki woke up and while the house didn't have power, it did have pizza which is all anyone who is hungover cares about. Somehow everyone rallied together after their big night of boozing and they managed to have lunch together where Snooki and JWOWW cried about missing their kids, but also probably because they needed to sleep after drinking the night before. While the girls watched Ronnie get a lap dance from a team for strippers, Pauly and Vinny went to pick up Mike from the airport, so that MVP could finally become whole again. Aww, I always felt bad for Ronnie when they left him out but I guess he didn't care because he had 30 titties in his face. Let's just hope that he doesn't end up with another baby mama.
Sober Mike made his return to the group while the meatballs rolled around drunk on the floor. Deena likened the new and improved Situation to Jesus, but I'm sure that Jesus paid his taxes. I know that sobriety is probably the best thing for him right now but it really has no place in this group, I don't want to see anyone being responsible on reality TV. I mean who would want to be the only sober one in a group of borderline alcoholics? The gang also took Mike out for a celebratory dinner but it was unclear what the were celebrating? His new found sobriety? His inability to pay taxes? I don't know. Everyone toasted to how much he had changed but I'm not 100% convinced that Mike's new lifestyle is authentic and just a way to try and avoid jail time by showing the judge that he is a changed guy. I'd much rather watch The Situation who pissed off everyone and slammed his head in the wall. Those were the days.
To conclude the episode Snooki and Deena bragged about their new classy changes and then drowned Sex Toy Sammi in the pool, but that thing just wouldn't die and floated in the pool like a dead body, maybe they'll all end up in jail with The Situation. After they dropped their ex-roomate in the pool Snooki realised she had lost her rings and everyone was on their hands and knees looking for her jewels, which should've been easy because this group are pros are working on their hands and knees. How many guidos does it take to find a ring? It turns out, too fucking many because Snooki called her dad in tears threatening to go home, just had she had done at the end of the pilot episode. Something things really do never change.
Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!